Warriors of Cosplaying
by Sarge Ray
Summary: Spinoff of the TGWTG special, "Suburban Knights", the Insane Critic and other members of Planet Insania get together in search of a mystic blade. But is something bigger at work?
1. Chapter 1

The wind whistled across the landscape like some bone-chilling woodwind. Something was different about the wind today: it felt colder, harsher, and more eerie. It was almost like the forces of nature were whispering a warning of things to come.

The landscape seemed to fit the mood of the wind: a flat marred by the occasional desert shrub. It was dry, parched, and oddly prophetic. The one thing that was different from the expanse was a single strip of concrete: the highway.

And on that highway was a snazzy, black sports car, its driver being some college-age man who was currently jamming to something by Shinedown. He frankly didn't know where he was, nor did he care (he would only do that when the gas ran out).

Something did catch him during his music; he caught sight of it in the middle of one of his head-bobs. The sight was enough to make him turn off his music completely.

There was a person on the right side of the highway. He wasn't really doing anything aside from just standing and staring off into the breeze.

When the driver got closer and slowed, he became even more perplexed. This person was an interesting individual indeed.

The man looked young, not much older than thirty, and was clad in a crimson duster with gray flame patterns on his shoulders. Underneath was a black bodysuit and a thick, brown belt. His hair was shoulder-length, black with white lining, and was so untidy that it almost covered his eyes. Even without the help of his hair, his eyes couldn't be made out because of a pair of sunglasses fixed on his face. Last, but certainly not least, was his expression.

It was blank. If looking at it, one couldn't tell if he was scheming something.

Well, the driver was certainly not what one could call "intelligent", so he had to stop and roll down the windows to talk to this man.

"Hey, man, need a ride?"

The man turned on being addressed, then slowly strode over to the vehicle. He looked down the road, then back at the driver.

"A ride?" the man asked, "In this?"

The driver raised a brow as he cautiously answered, "Uh…yeah."

The man sighed in a way that seemed to say "looks like I have no choice", then opened the car door and adjusted something on his belt. THEN the driver's eyes widened even further if that was possible.

The man sat in the passenger's seat, an ornate katana sitting across his lap. The blade's grip and sheath were a deep crimson and etched with black symbols.

"Whoa! A real katana!" the driver said in a voice that only a true nerd would be able to imitate, "Really finishes your wardrobe. It's makes you look like a Japanese rock star! You know any, man?"

The man remained silent, just staring at the driver and just trying to grasp what he was saying.

"Oh, I get it. Not much of a talker, are ya?" the driver asked, "So, where ya headed?"

Only now did the man turn his gaze away from the man and straight to the path ahead. And with one word, he answered.

"Indiana."

The driver turned in confusion. "Indiana? But we're in Texas right now. I can't drive there!"

"Then find me a more suitable place and take me there." The man said, voice unwavering.

"O-okay." The driver said, then stepped on it.

The drive was long and uncomfortably quiet for the driver. This was a strange individual indeed. He figured he would try to lighten the mood with a bit of small talk, just to make himself feel better.

"So, what do you make of all the chaos and crap that's going down as of late?" the driver asked.

The man was silent for a moment, then answered, "I find it glorious."

"Pardon?" the driver asked, as though trying to process what he had heard.

"Glorious. People are causing mayhem, chaos, destruction, and justify it in any way they can: desperation, greed, necessity. I see what they do and relish in it."

The driver leaned away from the man, trying to keep as much distance between him and his opponent. "Should I be concerned about this? About…YOU?"

The man turned, then ordered, quietly and sharply, "Stop here."

The driver did so, very abruptly. And when he finally did stop, the man was looking him in the eye.

After a few intense second, the man asked, "Which do you prefer? Chaos or Order?"

After a second that seemed to last an eternity, the driver made a fatal mistake.

"So…do I have to do anything?"

With a blur of silver and a blinding flash of light, the entire left half of the car had an enormous cut through it. The concrete was littered with blood, metal, glass, and the unfortunate driver's head.

The door on the right side of the car flew off its hinges and tumbled across the landscape. The man still sat, his foot extended, which gave the impression that he had done that with a simple kick.

The man exited the car, sheathing his blood-stained katana in the process, then slowly walked away. He looked ahead, spotting the rear of a truck sporting the insignia "To Ol' Indy". The man smirked.

Honestly, these humans made this task too easy.

**Planet Insania Presents…**

**A Sarge Ray Parody**

**Warriors in Cosplaying**

**Starring…**

**Lunatic the 121st  
>Bindi the Skunk<br>Tohokari-Steel  
>Xemnas1992<br>Sgt. Reynol  
>Lt. Irwin Beau Strait<br>Wildrook  
>Sgt. Maxim Karne Systema<br>Kitten Hachi-Chan  
>SaireNaoriva<br>Monstermyth23  
>E350<br>NobodieZ  
>Madness Abe<br>Dimentio713  
>Shadow-DJ<br>The Angelic Soldier  
>Cooly McAwesome<br>Dezblade Sachin  
>Cartoonatic55<br>And a heap-load of others…**

**Co-Written by TLSoulDude**

**Approved by Lunatic the 121st**

SWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSW

AC/DC's "Back in Black" rang in the mind of one happy man as he walked down the sidewalk, a good spring in his step. This man was clad in green camo pants, a white undershirt, combat boots, and an army-green, sleeveless jacket. He also had a green beret, indicating his position in the military and a mustache. This was none other than Lt. Irwin Beau Strait: the gun-happy canon-shipper, an ex-Green Beret thrown out after being declared "mentally unstable".

The ex-green beret waved a complete stranger over, then seized him by the collar. "Hey, pal," he said with an exaggerated Southern Accent, "Guess what?"

"What?" the guy asked, nervously.

"I got a FREE CAR! And YOU didn't!" the crazed military man answered. And, with a sanity-questioning laugh, he tossed the stranger into the yard and continued on his merry way.

Strait looked at the card, then came to a stop at an apartment building. His smile growing by the second, he said to himself, "This is the address to glory." He popped his neck, loosened his shoulders, then took a deep breath and said, "Showtime."

With a broad smile, he flung the door open.

"Awright, where's my free-NO!"

(disk scratch as "Back in Black" suddenly conks out)

Right in front of Strait was a vast assortment of characters from a certain group called "Planet Insania". As for who was in this group…you saw the credits.

All this while, Strait was continually shouting "no", as though this was some bad dream that he wanted to wake up from. After about the fifteenth "no", he finally found enough man to speak in complete sentences again.

"You were promised free cars, too?" Straight asked, earning instantaneous nods from everyone, "There is no car, is there?" Everyone shook their heads, "This is one of the Insane Critic's hair-brained schemes again, isn't it?" Nods from everyone again and the ex-green beret burst into tears.

Somewhere in the room, a sandy-haired, gray-camo –clad, bearded soldier in a red beret rolled his eyes. "I hate to say a grown man cry." He groaned in a Russian accent.

Strait trudged over to a vacant seat in the crowd and slumped into a sitting position. Another member, this one a girl with white hair and tan skin, patted him on the back.

"Don't worry, Strait." Kitten said, "Lunatic has to sleep sometime."

In another room, the Insane Critic picked up a few select items: a DVD and a piece of paper. With a smirk that seemed to say "fame here I come", he made his way to the room where all of Planet Insania was waiting for him.

In the PI room, E350 turned to examine the black-skinned, green-eyed, cloaked entity that stood just behind him.

"Oh, hey, you're Shadow-DJ, right?" E350 asked.

"Yeah. We've met." DJ pointed out.

E350 completely ignored him and said, "I always wondered why you look like that…" With a single movement of his arm, DJ brought a scythe up to the glasses-wearing historian's neck. "And I'm shutting up now."

Dimentio713, the mask-crazy Filipino sat, eagerly, just to the right of Cartoonatic55. Mentioned member looked over at Filipino and asked, "So, what crazy thing do you think he's gonna do now?"

"I dunno, but it's gotta be exciting!" Dimentio answered with a smile.

"Tell me about it." Ray said, finally glad to get out of the Bunker Underground.

Almost on cue, Lunatic, the Insane Critic, strode into the room. "Hello, fellow members of Planet Insania." He greeted in a jolly tone, "How are you all doing today?" Lunatic moved to the right slightly and a 9mm bullet ricocheted off the wall behind him. "Okay, I know you're all a little cranky because there are no free cars, but I was afraid that if I told you the REAL reason for coming here, then none of you would've showed."

As Lunatic talked, Tohokari-Steel slowly lowered his Luger pistol, a really peeved-looking expression on his face.

"What're you talking about?" Dezblade groaned.

"The truth, my friends, is that I have something BETTER than a car." Lunatic offered.

"I hope it's a plane." Rook mumbled.

"I'm talking about something that, rather than take you places, can make you RICH beyond your wildest dreams!" Lunatic said, a mad gleam in his eye.

At that time, the door creaked open and the Roswellian tiger, Xemnas1992, walked into the doorway.

"Alright," the tiger said, eagerly, "I'm here, so where's my new car-D'OOOOOOHHH!"

Lunatic clapped Xem (who was easily bigger than he was) on the back and said, "Ah, Xem, glad you could make it. Go on, join the rest of the group."

Xem sighed, then sat on the floor in front of Sarge Ray. Mentioned ex-SOLDIER leaned in and whispered, "I suggest you egg his house sometime this week."

"Guys, we are sitting on the opportunity of a lifetime. And that opportunity," Lunatic held up the disc, "is on THIS DVD. Who wants to have the honors of popping it in?"

"ME!" Dimentio said, hopping to his feet. He scurried over like a rabbit on sugar rush and was about to take it from him when someone else beat him there.

"I'll do it."

The person who had volunteered was a hispanic-looking guy with a red shirt, glasses, and jeans.

"Ah, Dimentio, I see you've met Madness Abe, an up-and-coming guy who has showed promise for his writing." Lunatic introduced.

"Up and coming?" Dimentio asked in total shock.

"Yep." Mad Abe said, "I'm sorta like you, only fresh and new! Now, let's pop in this sucker." And while Dimentio was still taking this in, Abe pushed him out of the way to get to the TV.

"Well…" Dimentio said, trying to maintain hope, "Can I get you a coffee, Insane Critic?"

"Oh, sure…mister…?" Lunatic asked, trying to place a name.

"Dimentio."

"Dimentio." Lunatic said, then clapped him on the shoulder and sent Dimentio on his way.

As Mad Abe put the DVD on the tray, there came a sudden "pop" and an anthro-skunk with a purple shirt and jeans came into the room. She didn't use the door, the window, or even come in from another room. She just…suddenly appeared.

"Oh boy!" the skunk said, excitedly, "A MOVIE!"

In a flicker of static, the title "PICA News with Kent Brockman" came into focus.

"Wow. The credits look SO expensive." Saire said, sarcastically.

"Hey." Ray said, slugging her shoulder, "Don't talk during the movie."

"Nobody riff or review this!" Lunatic deadpanned, earning disheartened groans from his fellow members, who were denied their hobby and way of life.

_Kent Brockman here with new information on the disappearance of forty-year-old Comic Store owner, Jeff Albertson, from Springfield. New police reports are coming in of the living quarters of Mr. Albertson and we do have an incoming report that no one knows why he disappeared._

_Report says…"no one knows why"._

_Ugh, so much for witness reports._

_Anyway, according to people who visited his comic book store regularly, Jeff had recently acquired a taste for "Epic Video Games" or games that have a bunch of characters teaming up for a single cause._

_In the days leading to Jeff's disappearance, local customer Bart Simpson says that he overheard him ranting about discovering the whereabouts of a mystical sword called the "Sword of Chaos". Police believe that the constant video gaming was the thing that led Jeff to insanity and caused him to, as many people say, "Lose it"._

_Gamespot says that, and I quote here, "Jeff should have stayed with comics"._

(Xemnas1992: He should have or we wouldn't have been dragged here.)

(Sarge Ray: What did I say about talking during the movie?)

_Actual whereabouts of Mr. Jeff Albertson still remain a mystery. And we Springfieldites send our hearts out to him and those who love him._

_In lighter news, a zombie plague has broken out on the island of Madagascar. More at six…_

(static)

Lunatic turned off the TV and the DVD player, folded his arms with a smug smile on his face, and asked, "Well, whaddya say?"

"So…what are you getting at, again?" Dezblade asked.

"The sword! The mystic sword he was talking about!" Lunatic said, excitedly.

"What about it?" Steel asked, flatly.

"I've researched this sword and believe it to be real. Apparently, whoever holds the sword will obtain ultimate power and be UNSTOPPABLE!" Lunatic said, madness levels slowly rising.

"So, you think that, by obtaining this sword, we'll be able to obtain its mystic powers?" DJ asked.

"Nah. No way MAGIC can exist!" Lunatic said, earning eye rolls from every anthro, magician, or anyone with supernatural abilities, "But if we find this thing, it could be worth all the fortunes in the world! People would come from across the world to witness its existence!"

"Is he planning another rise to power?" E350 asked.

"He's asking us to take part in a wild goose chase." Ray explained, massaging his forehead with his index and middle fingers.

"Loon, I thought we agreed that the next time we all got together, it'd be at a comic-con?" NobodieZ brought up.

"Yes, I KNOW I made that promise a while ago. But the plan has been revised, premise has been changed, LIFE…intervened." Lunatic said, dramatically, then reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper, "I've come into possession of a map; the map that Jeff Albertson made to tell the location of the Sword of Chaos!"

After groans from the Insania members, Steel had to say, "Great. He's dragging us on this mission AND he ripped a line from Peter Jackson's 'King Kong'."

"Jeff left clues that will tell us how to reach the sword's location. All we have to do is prove ourselves. See, in the video game he played, the weapon will only approve of someone who bears the title of 'Ultimate Warrior'."

Tohokari-Steel's eyes widened as a certain beat began playing. "Oh no," he said, seeing what was coming, "Oh no! Oh NONONONONONONONONO!"

With a roar, what appeared to be Wildrook wearing fake muscles, tassels on his arms, face paint, and a wig came storming in and began to say some utterly-crazy stuff. This was none other than Wildrook from another dimension and a nuisance of Steel's: Ultimate Warrior-Rook.

"Window curtains look best in floral print!" Warrior-Rook shouted, insanely, "And at Wrestlemania, you're going to need an energon cube the size of Texas to stop my Predacon Army, To-Kari Steel! Buttons! BUTTONS! WHO'S GOT THE BUTTONS!"

A gunshot rang through the air and Warrior-Rook started in surprise before running off as more gunshots rang through the air.

The source of the gunshots turned out to be Steel, who holstered his German pistol while muttering something along the lines of, "I'll get him next time".

Lunatic stared at what had just happened in the short span of a few seconds, then continued his rant. "Apparently, Jeff made the map to the sword and left clues for someone to follow. All you have to do is play his game, the one that will lead us to the sword!"

"But the whole thing is written in rhyme and riddles…" Lunatic turned in surprise to see a typical bed-sheet ghost with red eyes, a party hat and a bowtie. Mentioned ghost was holding the map inquisitively and having his say about it, "How are we supposed to find the sword like this?"

Lunatic's stammered in confusion until he finally managed to get out, "How'd you get that?"

The ghost, whose name was Doopliss, nervously answered, "Just getting a head start?"

"Gimme that!" Lunatic said, snatching the map from the ghost's grip, "Anyway, the ghost is right. Jeff Albertson was this HUGE nerd and wrote this map like some kind of epic video game. Everyone has to dress up as some kind of warrior from fiction in order to understand the tale and trials."

"So…it's a game of cosplaying?" Cooly asked, scratching his spiky head.

"Actually the real rule is to figure out what the map means, but it says that you'll be more likely to solve it if you've engulfed yourself into some kind of warrior mindset." Lunatic explained, "So, if you're in touch with swords, guns, hand-to-hand combat, that sort of thing, the more likely you'll be to discover the sword's whereabouts and true power."

"So…we're larping?" Xem asked.

"Nah." Dez shot down, "Larping is where a bunch of nerds dress up and do stuff for a fake reward."

"Oh," Xem said, catching on, "And what WE'RE doing is going to be for a real reward."

"Exactly." Lunatic confirmed.

"So, what do we dress up as?" DJ asked.

"Anything, as long as that person is a warrior of some kind." Lunatic answered, "Now, the map says that the path splits into two separate routes. So, if we split into teams of two, it'll double our chances of finding it."

"So, you really think this is gonna pay off?" Saire asked.

"Yes, my friends." Lunatic answered, dramatically (cue cool, dramatic music here), "For if we find this sword, we will not only attain great riches, but our names will be engraved into the book of destiny…"

Lunatic crossed the room to gaze out a window, earning weird looks from the other PI members.

"Names will be remembered." Insane Critic continued, "Quests will become legends. And legends will become... legendary. We are standing on the threshold of greatness, of glory, and all we need to do is to take that first step. So what say you, my fellow warriors of glory?"

Lunatic turned around, expecting a vast applause and approval from his fellows. What he got was silence because, well…no one was in the room anymore except Lunatic.

"DANG IT ALL! This is like working with a bunch of grade-schoolers!" he screamed in frustration. With that, he stormed toward the door, opened it, and shouted, "Hey! If you don't come, YOU'RE ALL FIRED!"

Groans came from all members, even Systema, and Lunatic quickly added, "Tomorrow morning! Be here at nine AM and bring your costumes!"

Lunatic slammed the door and stormed back into his apartment. He was barely a few steps in when a Dimentio's hand extended, gripping a steaming mug of coffee.

"Here's your coffee, Loon." Dimentio said, cheerily.

"Get with the program, Dimentio. Abe already got me one." Lunatic said, gesturing to the kitchen to reveal Mad Abe holding a fresh cup.

Dimentio couldn't believe it. This guy was out-maneuvering him move-for-freakin'-move.

"Sorry, man, guess you're not in you're A-game." Lunatic said, apologetically.

"Cream or sugar, Lunatic?" Abe asked.

"Wow. You seem to be on EVERYTHING, Abe!" Lunatic said with a grin as he walked off with Abe.

Had the Insane Critic looked back, he would have seen Dimentio dropping the mug onto the hard floor, causing the ceramic cup to shatter…then he immediately set to cleaning up the mess.

SWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSW

Later that night, Lunatic stood in his bedroom and picked up a pair of key-shaped blades. One was black and oddly-demonic in appearance while the other was white and angelic in appearance. These were none other than Oathkeeper and Oblivion.

He took one in each hand and brought them in a broad, sweeping motion. He loved how they felt in his hands; the flexibility, the heavy-yet-light feel as he moved them, and the reach he had while holding them.

Well…the reach part was questionable because on one of those wide sweeps, he accidentally knocked over a lamp. After observing the damage, Lunatic decided that practice time was over and, with a flex of his wrists, the Keyblades vanished in a flash of light.

"Hey, Lunatic." Came a woman's voice.

Lunatic screamed in surprise as he saw none other than Stephenie Meyer in his room. "Meyer?"

"I got the invitation for the free car!" Meyer said, holding up the card.

"I never sent you one." Lunatic said, shaking his head.

"I know. I swiped this from KitsuneAlchemist's mailbox." Meyer explained with a cheery voice.

(Meanwhile…)

KitsuneAlchemist put a finger to her temple. "I don't know why, but I feel like I've been cheated out of something…"

(Back to Insane Critic…)

"Anyway, I heard you were putting a team together. Can I come?" Meyer asked, putting on a pair of puppy eyes.

"Why do you want to be on this journey, anyway? You're not a warrior!" Lunatic said, trying to off her.

"But you have no one on your team to represent love or peace." Meyer reasoned.

"THIS coming from the woman who says that being a stalker is being romantic?" Lunatic deadpanned.

After a brief pause, Meyer answered, "Yes."

Lunatic thought himself over, trying to find the nicest way to reject her…he had nothing.

"Look, Meyer, as much as I would WANT you on this team…" Lunatic said, putting a TON of sarcasm into "want", "I need you here to look after the children and elderly."

"But there aren't any children or elderly here." Meyer said, trying to make sense of it.

"I know, Meyer." Lunatic said, placing his hands on her shoulders, "You must protect them…from nothing."

"Is nothing something?" Meyer asked.

"Yes."

"Oh, okay." Meyer said, her lack of logic kicking in.

"Who are you going to protect?" Lunatic asked.

"Nothing!"

"What will you protect it from?" Lunatic asked.

"Nothing!"

"What will stop you?" Lunatic asked.

"NOTHING!"

"GOOD!" Lunatic said, encouragingly, "Now, get out there and show nothing what you're made of!"

With that, Stephenie Meyer ran out of the room, roaring at the top of her lungs. Lunatic smiled a very smug smile as he added, "By the way, watch the third step."

Whilst Meyer tumbled down the stairs with a scream, Lunatic went over to his closet and swung open the door. On a pair of coat hangers lay two different getups. One was a Konoha headband and his Insane Critic getup and the other was a spiked, blonde wig and a black, hooded cloak.

In the morning, he would get his party together and set out on his epic quest for the sword that would make him INVINCIBLE.

_A/N: Hey, PI members. Hope you enjoy the first chapter of the Suburban Knights parody. I advise that anyone who hasn't posted their costumes to please inform me immediately._

_Next Time: the team assembles and the quest for the Sword of Chaos begins._

_Stay tuned…_


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning began very much like any other day. But today, something was different: there was the smell of adventure in the air. A new tale was about to begin with new heroes ready to embark on an epic quest.

Little did they know that one obstacle had already made his way to Indiana. He stood atop a truck, gazing at the landscape: the nice, peaceful suburban area, and he reviled the "peaceful" part with every fiber of his being.

He didn't worry, though. Should his plan go through, he would get his constant war and bring about endless disorder.

SWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSW

Lunatic stepped out of his room, in full costume and ready for adventure. He was wearing a black, hooded cloak reminiscent of Organization XIII and a blonde wig. If he were to inform how he managed to tame the red spikes already adorned on his head in order to ensure that the wig would fit, we'd be here an astonishingly long time.

He trekked downstairs, humming something fitting for a dawning adventure. As he turned the corner to his living room, he summoned Oathkeeper and Oblivion and admired them in his hands.

"Now, THIS is a warrior's costume…" he said to himself.

"Not as good as THIS, though!"

With a scream, Lunatic jumped back as a figure emerged from his dining room. Mentioned figure was wearing a bodysuit adorned in the traditional red-white-and-blue of America. His gloves and boots were crimson and he carried a circular, two-foot-wide shield on his back. Even with a mask covering most of his face, Lunatic could still make out the iconic mustache of a former green beret…that AND the guy still had his beret on.

"Dang it, Strait, don't scare me like that!" Lunatic said, peevishly.

"I think you're mistaken." Strait said, then straightened his posture and saluted, "I'm Captain America, American super soldier, and Spanish-American War veteran!"

"It's World War II veteran, Strait." Lunatic deadpanned.

"Oh." Strait said, slouching out of his salute.

"Yeah, so don't scare the crap out of me like that again." Lunatic said, jabbing his finger at him, "I don't need EVERY costume-clad guy in this house pulling a stunt like that!"

"I'm HERE!" came another voice as a cloaked figure emerged from behind Lunatic.

After the Insane Critic screamed in surprise again as he took in this new intruder.

This figure was clad in dark robes that were a combination of black, red, blue, and some purple. He had shoulder armor, gauntlets, and a hood and cowl combination that hid everything except his eyes. At first, Lunatic didn't recognize this strange intruder…until he saw a stripy tail.

"Xem, who are you supposed to be?" Lunatic asked.

"I'm Richard the Undead Warlock!" the hooded tiger answered.

Lunatic and Strait blinked, then both asked, "Who?"

Xem couldn't believe his ears. "From 'Looking for Group'?" Lunatic and Strait had no idea how to respond, earning a heaved sigh from the Roswellian tiger. "It's a webcomic."

"Ohhh…" they said as it sunk in.

"That explains a lot." Lunatic said, then shot it down with, "Never read webcomics; Sonichu basically scared me off them. And, by the way, KNOCK before you come in next time, Xem."

THAT statement caused the robed tiger to fold his arms and roll his eyes.

"Okay, is there anyone else here?" Lunatic said, directing his attention to the dining room.

"Yes." Came the voice of Cooly. Upon receiving a sharp shush, he countered, "Uh…No." Upon receiving another harsh shushing, he asked, "Whaddya want me to say?"

"Nothing." Came the annoyed voice of SaireNaoriva.

"Nothing!" Cooly called.

POW!

"Shut UP!" Saire growled.

"Uh…Shut up!" Cooly called.

There was the sound of a brief scuffle and Cooly was silenced.

"Well, if you're all in-costume, come on out." Lunatic ordered.

A fit of whispering among many people sounded before the voice of Sarge Ray stated, "We'd prefer it if you called us out by name and one guy at a time, too."

"WHY?" Lunatic asked, clearly getting agitated.

"Dramatic emphasis. Y'know, the roll call kinda thing?" Ray answered.

Lunatic rolled his eyes. "Fine. Steel, you're up first."

And from the kitchen emerged Tohokari-Steel. He was clad in what appeared to be kendo robes, the shirt part being orchid and the pants being white. His hair was an orange-red color: a stark contrast to his usual black hair. A sheathed katana was strapped to his waist and an X-shaped mark adorned his left cheek.

"Greetings, fellow PI members," Steel said in an oddly noble and yet soft voice, "I was formerly known as Battousai the manslayer, but changed my life to become a wandering hero or a 'rurouni'."

"What are you, some kind of pacifist swordsman?" Lunatic asked.

"I, dear brother, am Kenshin Himura from my all-time favorite manga series, Rurouni Kenshin." Steel answered, politely.

After a brief pause, Xem asked, "What would be the Old English word for 'geek'?"

"Oh, it's ON!" Steel said, drawing his reverse blade while Xem's hand began to emit a green energy.

CRACK!

Steel and Xem leapt back and looked back at the source of the recent whip-crack. Mere seconds later, everyone's eyes widened in shock.

(cue slow saxophone music)

It was Bindi the Skunk dressed in a black full-body suit and a catlike mask made of the same material. In her right hand, she held a long bullwhip and was in the process of rolling it up as she made her introduction.

"Bindi the Skunk here." She introduced, "Costume of choice: Catwoman from 'Batman Returns' and NOT that awful Halle Berry movie."

After everyone got over the initial shock, Steel said, almost unwittingly, "Huh. I suddenly see the appeal of furries." Upon getting weird looks, he quickly admitted, "YES, I regret saying that, too."

As the slow saxophone music continued, Lunatic had to ask, "And who's playing the sax?"

Everyone turned to the source to see Lt. Strait with a saxophone in his hands and was playing it like a pro. Upon seeing the looks everyone was giving him, he took the piece out of his mouth, threw the instrument over his shoulder.

"Sorry." The former green beret apologized, "I'll stop tomorrow."

"Anyway, next up is…Systema." Lunatic said after a quick thought.

A sleek, gray figure suddenly dropped from the ceiling and there stood Systema. He was wearing a bodysuit, too. This one was dark-gray with copper-colored parts around his joints: shoulders, knees, elbows, you get the gist. He was wearing a white mask with a single, glowing red sphere in its center, and he held a long, single-edged sword in his right hand.

He was dressed as Gray Fox from Metal Gear Solid.

"Ask me about the oldest form of all combat." Systema demanded.

Considering his reputation, no one dared deny him.

"Okay, what IS the oldest form?" Xem asked.

"Hand-to-hand is the basis of ALL combat." Systema answered, coldly.

"Great! A Russian playing an American. It'll confuse the enemy!" Lunatic said, almost indifferent of the former Spetsnaz's reputation.

Systema heaved a sigh. "One…two…" he growled to himself.

"Okay, who else is there? Um…Doopliss!" Lunatic called.

There came a deep roar of battle and everyone jumped in surprise to meet Doopliss. He was wearing black armor and orange gems on places like his shoulders and chest, and appeared to have dyed his "sheet" dark green near his head and a mix of brown and black on the rest. He also had what appeared to be orange hair attached around his head, and his bowtie and party hat were also absent.

"Doopliss?" Steel asked.

"YES!" Doopliss said in a deep, booming voice, "Look upon my costume and WEEP, fools! For I am the King of Evil, GANONDORF!" He even finished with an evil laugh and a lightning strike.

Every Planet Insania member in the room at the time burst out laughing.

"HEY!" Doopliss shouted, reverting to his regular voice, "Shut up! It took me FOREVER to prepare a costume with THIS caliber of evil! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"

"I dunno, Ganon-dork, maybe you didn't try hard enough!" Steel teased.

"Look! It's the King of Evil Bed Sheets!" Lunatic added on.

With a growl, Doopliss raised a hand and in a flash of light, Lunatic was gone and a lone pig stood in his place.

"Will THAT make you stop?" Doopliss asked, folding his arms.

Everyone nodded. A split-second later, Xem raised a hand and, in another flash of light, the pig was gone and Lunatic was back, costume and all.

"Where did I go just now?" Lunatic asked.

There suddenly came a repeating "clickety-clock" noise from down the hall, sort of like a horse galloping. As every member looked towards the source, turning their heads in curiosity, the source revealed itself.

Wildrook, dressed in a chainmail hauberk, a crown, and white-and-goldenrod knight robes worthy for a king, came into the room, all the while pretending he was riding some invisible horse. The source of the "galloping" noise became apparent when his sidekick Wandrex, now dressed in shabbier clothes and carrying a giant pack on his back, was knocking two coconuts together.

Rook held up his hand, all while saying "whoa". He pretended to dismount a horse, then came and introduced himself.

"Greetings, everyone." Rook introduced, "I am Arthur, King of the Britons, from 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail'. And joining me is my horse, Patsy."

Wandrex waved and said a simple, "Hey, guys."

"Does that count?" Strait asked.

"I de-limbed the Black Knight, didn't I?" Rook asked.

"He's got me beat there." Strait admitted.

"You're treating Wandrex like he's your steed?" Bindi asked, "Isn't that kinda…inhumane?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Rook said, "Patsy is my loyal steed. Is that right?"

"Uh…" Lunatic said, eyes darting back and forth.

Rook unsheathed his sword and pointed it at Lunatic like an accusing finger. "SAY he's a horse or else prepare to die!"

Lunatic's eyes darted to Wandrex, who was smiling an obviously-fake smile and mouthed "do it", then decided to take his advice. "Okay. He's a horse."

"Good." Rook said, sheathing his sword, "Now, back to business."

"Okay, now where's Saire?" Lunatic asked.

"Right here." Came a not-so-female voice.

Everyone turned and their eyes widened. Saire was wearing ninja garbs with blue on the chest armor and mask that hid all but her eyes. A bandana was fastened on her head, but one could make out a bit of blue hair near the front.

"I'm Sub-Zero from Mortal Kombat." Saire said, her voice oddly deep and masculine.

"How do you do that with your voice?" Steel asked, inquisitively.

Saire took off the mask, then said, in her normal voice, "It's all in the mask. I thought everyone knew that."

After receiving sounds of "Oh, I get it" and anything along those lines, Saire put the mask back on.

A split-second later, Dimentio came into the fray. He had spray-painted his hair white and had a robotic visor covering his eyes. He wore a tan, expensive-looking vest, a bluish-green shirt, white tie, and black dress pants and shoes. He was Prosecutor Godot of the Ace Attorney series.

"Blacker than a moonless night, hotter and more bitter than hell itself…that is coffee." Dimentio said, holding up a mug.

"Oh, COME ON!" came the voice of Abe as mentioned person stormed in.

Abe was wearing a typical Japanese high-school boy uniform complete with a tie. He had a wig of long, black hair, fake elf-ears, a katana in his hand, goat-like tail attachment, and a pair of blue flames on his head. He was Blue Exorcist's Rin Okumura

"Lunatic said Ultimate Warrior, not Ultimate LAWYER." Abe pointed out.

Warrior-Rook looked ready to barge in when Steel gripped his reverse blade. "Bug off." He ordered, earning a disheartened look from the Warrior, who simply trudged away.

"Well, excuse me for not being in the room and not being able to hear him that well!" Dimentio said, crossly.

"That's what happens when you try to please EVERYONE." Abe shot back.

"Oh YEAH?" Dimentio asked.

"Yeah." Abe answered.

"Yeah?"

"YEAH."

"SILENCE!" Saire roared in her Sub-Zero voice, causing both to cower in fear.

"Yeah, shut up!" Lunatic barked, "You both look equally stupid. And…Abe, is your hair on fire?"

Abe looked up, then screamed as he realized that his wig was on fire. He then began to run around in circles trying to put it out.

Every member of Planet Insania looked on with flat looks, all the while thinking the exact same thing. And that thing was "why doesn't he just take off the wig?"

Abe continued on with this until Systema seized him by the collar, dragged the still-panicking cosplayer over to the kitchen sink, turned on the water, and doused the flames.

"Thanks…I think." Abe said as he returned to the group.

"Okay, don't think any of us saw that coming in our horoscope, so where's Sarge Ray?" Lunatic asked.

There came a familiar sounding tune as Sarge Ray was about to enter the room, but Lunatic couldn't quite put his finger on it. He looked at everyone else and asked, "Any one of you playing music?"

Upon receiving a bunch of "no's" from everyone, they turned to see Ray standing in the room.

Ray was wearing a black, sleeveless shirt, combat boots, and baggy, navy-blue pants and boots. A thick, leather belt and suspenders led to a piece of shoulder armor with screw-like projections. On his left hand was a gauntlet with similar projections. Ray still had his buzz-cut and black military beret, though…

And on his back was, probably, the biggest sword that Lunatic had ever seen.

"My name is Cloud Strife," Ray said with a pretty passable imitation of Steve Burton's performance, "SOLDIER 1st Class."

"Yeah, until you realize that the memories you thought were true were actually someone else's." Lunatic shot down.

Ray's eyebrows scrunched as he grumbled, "Killjoy."

(By the by, the tune playing was "Opening" from Advent Children)

"By the way, nice prop you got there." Steel said, impressed.

Ray looked behind him, then asked, "What prop?"

Everyone's eyes widened, but only Lunatic could speak. "That sword is REAL?"

"Yeah." Ray said, taking the sword off his back and pointing it forward, "Got a problem with that?"

Lunatic suddenly noticed something in Ray's arm…a slight shake to it. "Is it heavy?" he asked.

"Very." Ray said, then put the sword back on his back and proceeded to massage his now-sore biceps.

"Impressive. How about Kitten?" Lunatic asked.

And Kitten herself emerged wearing a pale-green dress, and a white cap and apron that might have belonged to an eighteenth-century maid. She also carried a push broom.

"Hello there." She greeted in a false-Italian accent, "You wouldn't happen to be serving pasta, would you?"

"CHIBITALIA from Axis Powers?" Lunatic asked in disbelief, "He BARELY qualifies as a warrior when he's an adult!"

"Hey, I've had this costume for a while," Kitten said, grabbing Lunatic by the collar and pulling him to meet her eyes, "And I paid good money for it, so I intend to use it. GOT IT?"

"Yes." Lunatic squeaked.

"Good." Kitten said, spontaneously returning to her cheery demeanor.

"DUUUUDE!" came the voice of Cooly, "Check out MY duds, man!"

Everyone turned to meet Cooly…

Mentioned hedgehog had a red, bullet-torn duster, black clothes underneath, and had starched his spiky hair into a different fashion. Holstered on his waist was a sleek, silver revolver. He still kept his sunglasses, though.

"Vash the Stampede is AWESOME, man! He has the most hardcore hairdo EVER!" Cooly said, excitedly, "The only way it could be more extreme would be if he IMPALED PEOPLE ON IT!"

Lunatic stared, flatly, then said, "Show of hands; who's not surprised?"

Everyone in the room raised their hands. Heck, even a few hands showed up from the dining room.

Cooly's positive demeanor slowly faded away and he asked, "Am I really THAT predictable?"

"You are, Cooly. You are." Lunatic said, gesturing the hedgehog over, "Okay, E350, how 'bout you?"

"First, ask me if I'm excited about this thing." E350 called from the dining room.

"O-kay, are you excited about this?" Lunatic asked, uneasily.

E350 stepped out in a typical military officer's uniform (green clothes, silver medals, the like) and answered, "I'm as excited as a terribly excited person who has a really good reason for being terribly excited."

The entire Insania crew was so quiet that crickets could be heard.

"I'm George." E350 explained.

Crickets again.

"From Blackadder?" E350 continued.

Even the crickets were silent this time.

E350 sighed. "It's a BBC TV show." Upon receiving a few understanding sounds from the crowd, he added, "Yeah, watch more British TV OTHER than Doctor Who."

From the dining room emerged a pitch-dark figure with a white streaks near his eyes and down his chest. His eyes were a bright green and he wore crimson gauntlets and boots as well as a matching cape. The one off-putting thing about it was the brown hair atop his head.

"Hey, guys, check me out." The figure said, "I'm Spawn!"

Silence.

"From Image comics?" the figure said.

Still silence.

The figure sighed. "It's me; Shadow-DJ."

"Ohhh…" Lunatic said, "So, tell me, how did you trap God on Earth?"

"Shut up." DJ growled.

"Funny how those two words are thrown around, isn't it?" Ray asked.

"How 'bout MY costume?" Came a voice.

Every person turned and their faces swiftly shifted to total shock. There stood Angelic Soldier, wearing a Trojan helmet, greaves and sandals, arm guards, a spear in one hand and a broad, bronze shield in the other. He wore no shirt, showing the body of a brazen warrior god like Zeus or Ares.

"Oh, Angelic Soldier, you're," Lunatic began, but Angelic Soldier cut him off.

"I'm Leonidas."

Lunatic found it odd that Angelic Soldier had said it so calmly and casually. One would think that, since this was Leonidas he was dressing up as, Angelic Soldier would be snarky, over-the-top, and shouting through his teeth.

"Good for you, then." Lunatic said with cheer, "Now, we have one more member and that's NobodieZ."

"Right here."

And there was the guy himself. He was wearing a green jacket with a black shirt underneath, blue jeans, and sneakers. On his right hand was a wristwatch of sorts with bright green patterns.

"I'm Ben Tennyson!" he said, striking a pose.

Everyone took it in until Ray popped a question. "Yeah, how does it feel knowing that the new shows aren't as good as the first one?"

"Okay, THAT'S it!" NobodieZ said, then fiddled with his watch (or Omnitrix for all the Ben 10 nerds) and slammed his hand down on it.

Normally, this would have turned him into some alien hero…but that wasn't the case, seeing as the watch was just a toy.

"HA! That toy doesn't even work!" Lunatic mocked.

"Really? Here, can you look at this thing for a sec?" NobodieZ said, going over to Lunatic and showing him the watch. As he bent his neck trying to look at it, NobodieZ sharply brought it up and smacked him in the forehead. As the Insane Critic clutched his forehead in pain, NobodieZ pointed a finger at him, "HA! See? It DOES work!"

Lunatic quickly recovered, then moved so that he could see everyone and everyone could see him. "Alright, we all look totally ridiculous. This is the team that will obtain great riches! DO YOU AGREE?"

That question was answered with a round of cheers.

SWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSW

A few seconds later, the entire group was out in Lunatic's yard. Lunatic himself was studying the map.

"Now, according to this map, this is the starting point for the quest." Lunatic analyzed, "Now, isn't this desolate field a good starting point?"

"Desolate? This is just your yard." Saire asked, then pointed with her finger, "Houses and cars are everywhere. LOOK."

Saire was completely spot-on. This was a pretty busy neighborhood and a few cars honked their horns. One guy even stopped, rolled down his window, and said, "Comic-Con's THAT way, you nerds!" before returning to his merry business.

"Well, it's still the ideal starting point for our quest!" Lunatic continued, then turned and asked, "Steel what happened to your 'scar'?"

Indeed, the x-shaped marking on Steel's left cheek had vanished. "Oh, marker must've worn off."

As quick as a flash, Tohokari-Steel took a rub-on tattoo from his robe, applied it to his face. He waited a few seconds, then removed it with a brand-new x-scar on his face. "Problem solved. Continue."

"Good. Anyway, the map says that the path splits into two separate routes. So, I'm going to split us up into two teams. Let's call...this side 'Team A'," Lunatic pointed to the area to the Bindi's right, then pointed to the group left of her, "And call this side 'Team B'."

"TEAM B RULES!" Dimentio said, raising his hands in the air, then saw that Abe was on the same team as he was, "Withdrawn."

"Now, I copied the map and torn it a bit to make it look ancient and old like the original, which I entrust to Xem." Lunatic said, giving the map to the warlock-dressed tiger.

"Thank you, Lunatic. I pity the fools who try to get in our way. Good luck, yourself." Xem said, taking the map from Lunatic.

"Right. Now, we are on the verge of a new adventure!" Lunatic announced, "If we pull this off, our names will go down in history as the greatest…"

"Lunatic!" someone called, attracting attention from EVERY member.

There was Stephenie Meyer again, still wearing that same, dumb smile. "Hi. Thought I'd be helpful this time."

Every member familiar with Steel's review section turned to Saire. On seeing the reproachful glances, she held up her hands, "Don't look at me. I only played her once to mock her, so I didn't invite her."

Lunatic rolled his eyes, then walked over to Meyer and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Meyer, it's not that we don't want you because you're more worthless than a bucket of mud…"

"We don't?" Doopliss asked, earning himself a knock on the head from Wildrook, "He'll pay."

"It's just…there's more that can be done HERE." Lunatic explained to the failed writer.

"Like what?" Meyer asked, eager for an answer.

"Um…uh…Tohokari-Steel lost a contact." Lunatic said, quickly.

"Doesn't he wear glasses?" Meyer asked.

Steel, more than wanting to ditch Meyer, quickly pulled off his glasses and hid them behind his back. "Oh, uh, I dunno what you're talking about."

"Then, what's he hiding behind his back?" Meyer asked, gesturing to Steel.

"Uh…" Steel's eyes darted back and forth, "Nothing."

"Oh, okay." Meyer said, buying it in an instant.

"Good. Now hop to it." Lunatic said, then pushed her, hard, to the ground.

"I'll find it soon enough." Meyer said, facedown on the ground.

"Less talking, more searching." Lunatic ordered, then turned his attention to his group, "Now, on to business. Our two teams will stay together and seek treasure. But first, I think it will be fitting for us to go over that hill," Lunatic gestured to a nearby hill with one of his Keyblades, "in order to symbolize our unity."

"How can it symbolize our unity if we're splitting up?" DJ asked.

"Uh…it's to show that, though we may part ways, our unity will be strong in our hearts!" Lunatic countered.

"It's for the trailer 'cuz you want it to look cool, isn't it?" Strait asked.

"Yeah, it kinda is." Lunatic admitted.

"It's based on the ThatGuyWithTheGlasses special, too, I take it?" Systema asked.

"Guilty. But do you want to look cool?" Lunatic asked.

"Yes!" everyone answered.

"Do you want to look EPIC?"

"YEAH!"

"Well, what're we waiting for? Let's begin the quest for the Sword of Chaos!" Lunatic said in, "Line up!"

The two respective teams lined up with Lunatic at the front. He took a keyblade, then ordered, "Begin Epic Music!"

As the team of warriors strode over the hill…well, you heard Lunatic. Play whatever cool, epic music you want. Lord of the Rings, Narnia, anything you want.

As they neared the parting point on their map, the two teams went their separate ways, still retaining the devotion to the quest that Lunatic had forced on them against their will.

But little did the traveling warriors know that obstacles lay in their path: ones that would stop at nothing to prevent the Sword of Chaos from falling into their grips.

**Team A…  
>LunaticRoxas  
>Tohokari-SteelKenshin Himura  
>Bindi the SkunkCatwoman  
>Wildrook and WandrexKing Arthur and Patsy  
>Cooly McAwesomeVash the Stampede  
>Kitten Hachi-ChanChibitalia  
>Maxim Karne SystemaGray Fox  
>The Angelic SoldierKing Leonidas  
>DooplissGanondorf**

**Team B…  
>Xemnas1992Richard the Warlock  
>Sarge RayCloud Strife  
>SaireNaorivaSub-Zero  
>Dimentio713Prosecutor Godot  
>Madness AbeRin Okumura  
>E350Lt. George  
>NobodieZBen Tennyson  
>Shadow-DJSpawn  
>Irwin Beau StraitCaptain America**

(Meanwhile…)

The door to Lunatic's house swung open as someone came in. It was Dezblade Sachin, dressed in a gray bodysuit, black gloves and boots, a long cape and an all-too-familiar cowl. For those of you who are a bit dimwitted, Dez was Batman.

Through years of training in the magic arts, he had perfected an art to maintain a human form, so long as he kept one part of his dragonic nature. In this case, it was his tail.

"Sorry I'm late, guys, my alarm clock stopped working and I lost complete track of…" he apologized, then froze as he saw the room.

Shortly after, another person came in. This one was Cartoonatic55, dressed in a uniform fit for an eighteenth century ship captain (complete with deep blue coat) and what appeared to be cat ears on either side of her head. A naval sword was sheathed on her belt as was a holstered blaster of some kind.

"Sorry I'm late. Couldn't quite decide which costume to go with, but chose Amelia from Treasure Plan…" Cartoonatic froze at what Dez had just witnessed seconds earlier.

The room was completely empty. The others had left before they could arrive.

"Oh, SON OF A-!" Dez growled, and I'll end the episode before things get profane.

_(A.N.: Hey, Insania members, hope I got you all good in-costume. I was originally going to be Zack Fair from the same series, but went with Cloud because FF and/or KH fans might know him better._

_And if there's any history behind your costume choices, feel free to tell me.)_

_Next time, our teams find the first clues to the Sword of Chaos as well as meet their first obstacles._

_Stay tuned…_


	3. Chapter 3

The gloved hand of Cartoonatic ran over the grass as she observed a kind of impression amongst the blades. She saw similar imprints across the ground.

"Everyone was here." She said, using a low, tense whisper worthy of the movie business, "Nineteen people, with one having a…rather odd pacing."

"Yeah, can you lay off the Aragorn trick?" the Batman-dressed Dezblade asked, "We're kinda eating their dust here!"

Cartoonatic stood up, swiftly, and dropped the act. "Sorry. Just…getting into the game."

Dez rolled his eyes, then tapped into something on his Batman cowl. Instantly, the color scheme changed to hues of dark greenish-blue with the occasional orange. Speaking of orange, there was a set of footprints.

"It appears that they split up." Dez said, following the trail, all the while earning strange looks from his current company.

"And you know this, how?" Cartoonatic asked.

"Detective Mode." Dez answered, tapping his cowl, "Came free with the costume." He then tossed Cartoonatic a pair of goggles, then explained (in an impression of Batman), "Those goggles have the same mode as my costume. I'll go down one path and you go down the other."

"Okay then." Cartoonatic said, slipping them on and jumping in surprise at the colors, "Man, Bats must have everything these days…"

And, hurriedly, they separated on the path. But, knowing fate (and the author), they would meet again.

SWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSW

Team A trekked down the pathway, the Roxas-dressed-Lunatic up front with the map in hand. Angelic Soldier walked level with him so he could look over the Insane Critic's shoulder.

"You sure you're reading that correctly?" Soldier asked.

"Well, it says 'travel to the woods in the far northeast and you'll be faced with a path that is lined with trees'." Lunatic said, analyzing the map, "This is the only forest northeast from the starting point, so this HAS to be the place."

Wildrook, still pretending to be riding some invisible horse, looked to his left, then to his right before he asked, "Does anyone know where Cooly is?"

Everyone turned around to see Cooly leaning against a tree, sweating a waterfall and panting madly. "I'll be…hold on…" he panted for a while, then continued, "I'll be…okay in just…a sec…"

"What's wrong with him?" Doopliss asked.

"A fur coat under a pretty heavy coat like Vash's probably has him baking like a meatloaf." Bindi answered, then tugged at part of her suit, "I should know because this suit's so tight that it's pulling a few of my hairs."

Wildrook held back and went over to Cooly. "Do not worry, my famished hedgehog. You may ride on Patsy for a while."

Wandrex's eyes widened and a split second later, he had Cooly riding on his enormous backpack while still managing the coconut clack. Only one thing went through his mind as he continued being Rook's "horse".

_He's not paying me enough to do this job…_

"Hey, Steel, isn't Kenshin's hair longer than that?" Bindi asked.

"Steve stole the wig I had bought for the occasion." Steel said, irritably, "I don't even know WHY he did it!"

Doopliss lingered in the back, in order to get a bit of secrecy from the others. Why, you may ask? To plot a nasty scheme away from the prying eyes of others.

_Those fools. They don't know that, by telling ME about the sword, I would go after the sword for my evil purposes! As soon as they find the sword, it will be I who will claim its unstoppable power to conquer the world!_

Tap, tap, tap, tap.

Doopliss turned around, in total shock because he thought he was the back of the line, and was met with a creepy sight. It was Systema. Even through his costume, the ghost could sense the Russian's soul-piercing glower.

"There's a reason it's called an 'inner monologue'." Systema stated, "And because you failed to realize what that was, I will be keeping a close watch on you." To emphasize his point, the Russian popped his knuckles.

And right there, right then, Doopliss knew that he would keep quiet if he valued his life.

Kitten dashed to the front of the group and asked in both a fast voice and an exaggerated Italian accent, "So, is-a this the correct-a path to great-a-ness?"

"Huh?" Lunatic asked, not able to keep up with either accent or speed.

"Where are we going?" Kitten said, putting it as blunt as she could.

"Oh. Well, according to the map, it says, 'if you want to reach the blade of disorder without fail, one should follow the pathway with a scale'." On seeing the weird looks he was getting from everyone, Lunatic added, "I don't know what it means either."

"Well, speaking as a wandering hero," Steel said, getting into his Kenshin mode, "I think we need something to up the epic-ness of our journey. How about a slight breeze to gently blow long hair or loose-fitting clothing?"

Almost as though the forces of nature were at his command, a breeze blew through the area. While it was good for the still-sweltering Cooly, it spelled disaster for others.

The first real problem was with Lunatic. The breeze blew his Roxas wig clean off his head and only a mad grab from Lunatic kept it from being lost forever.

The second one was Kitten. Apparently, the wind was a bit stronger than what Steel expected because it caused her skirt to fly up. With a sharp "eep", she used both hand and did her best to keep it down.

"Nah, that's not working out." Steel said, shaking his head, "Maybe some leaves falling in a slow, dramatic fashion?"

The wind stopped, much to the relief of Kitten, but then leaves started falling from the trees. It was good and all until one person brought up a complaint.

"Hey, manslayer!" It was Doopliss; the leaves falling were getting lodged on his body, making him look more like the "King of Autumn Leaves" than anything else, "These leaves are getting caught on my sheet! STOPPIT!"

Steel flinched, then suggested, "Better yet, how about epic music fit for travelers?"

The leaves stopped falling as there came the low notes of a strumming harp. While it was nice and all, Rook noticed it was coming from not too far away.

Wildrook sharply turned and shouted, "Patsy, stop that music! Horses don't play music!"

Rook was right to address his "horse" on this. Wandrex actually held a small harp in his hand, but upon getting scolded, he sighed, tucked the harp away, then went back to clacking coconuts.

"I'm cool now." Cooly said, hopping off Wandrex's back and earning a sigh in relief from the Nobody.

"Hmm…OH! How about…"

Steel never finished because Kitten had gotten so fed up with Steel's tampering with reality that she took her push-broom and clunked him over the head with it. Steel crumpled to the ground and Kitten looked over her broom.

"Huh. This isn't as useless as I thought." She said, impressed with her act.

"Oro…" Steel groaned as he lay on the ground in a heap.

As the group continued down the road, Systema spotted something just off the path. "Over here!" he waved over. On seeing that each member of Planet Insania was at his attention, he pointed to a fallen tree, "What do you think that is?"

Every member squinted to get a look at what he had seen. It was something long, green, and scaly: a long tail.

On a lighter note, Steel had recovered by this time and had stumbled over to the group, clutching his head.

"I believe this could be the scale we were looking for: the one the map spoke of." Systema explained.

"Great job, Systema, those eyes of yours never miss a thing." Lunatic complimented.

_Wow. First time he's ever truly complimented me. _Systema thought to himself. A second later, he thought, _Moment's passed._

"Well, still, if it is the scale we're looking for, what could it be attached to?" Lunatic asked.

Suddenly, the long, scaly object moved. It was almost like a liquid and scared the wits out of them.

And then the creature revealed itself as it coiled itself on the nearest branch to support its weight. It was an emerald-green, fifteen-foot snake with long fangs and golden eyes with slits for pupils.

"Like, halt, puny mortals." The snake said in a low-bass, dated speech pattern, "I am the defender of this path."

"Oh, dear lord, we're in a Kaa hypnosis fanart." Doopliss said, rolling his eyes.

"Don't underestimate me, you would-be warriors." The serpent warned, "I totally know what it is you seek. You seek the greatest weapon man has ever made; a weapon that will grant ultimate power to whoever wields it."

"Well, he's still more convincing than most OTHER talking animals in fiction." Kitten admitted.

"You seek the Sword of Chaos, don't you?" the snake asked, raising a brow.

"How do you know that?" Lunatic asked.

"Mind your own business, little man." The snake snapped, "Only those who know the blade's true power may seek it, and only those who are pure of heart may unlock its unstoppable omnipotence."

"Doesn't 'unstoppable' MEAN omnipotence?" Bindi asked.

"SHUT UP!" the snake hissed, "You're not worthy of the sword's power. NONE OF YOU ARE!"

After a slight recovery from the shock, Lunatic stepped forward and asked, "What is your name, creature?"

"Call me 'Snake'."

"SIMPSONS DID IT!" Doopliss shouted.

"I don't care if they did." Snake argued, "All I know is you're not going anywhere."

"Really? What're you going to do to us? Give us forbidden fruit and hope we eat it?" Lunatic asked, "Rook, take its head off. We're having snake stew for dinner tonight."

"With pleasure!" Rook said, then "dismounted" and drew his sword as he approached Snake.

"Oh boy," Steel said, nervously, "If I know Monty Python, this won't end well…"

"Huh?" Bindi asked.

"LOOK!" Steel said, pointing over to Rook's path.

Rook raised his sword, ready to cut the snake in two, when the least-expected thing happened.

The snake jumped. That's right. No legs, no real explainable reason aside from "magic"; the snake just JUMPED clean into the air.

Now that we have THAT out of the way, we can start with mayhem.

The snake jumped clean over Wildrook's swing, slid down his arm, landed behind him, and bit him in the calf muscle, earning a scream in pain from Rook as he fell to the ground.

"Don't worry, sir!" Wandrex called, "According to my field guide, that species isn't poisonous!"

"Thanks for that." Rook said, sarcastically, from his position (which was facedown on the ground).

"He needs our help!" Lunatic said, summoning his Keyblades, "CHAAAAARGE!"

With a mighty roar from each member and weapons appearing in their hands, every member of Team A advanced on the serpent. Needless to say that chaos erupted faster than most could comprehend.

The snake was bouncing around the area like a long, green, scaly tennis ball as every author did their best to try and lay waste to the creature.

Steel and Lunatic tag-teamed Snake and swung their respective weapons only to have the reptile evade their swings and whip them both across the face, leaving raw, read marks as they fell aside. Snake then turned and looked at Cooly with a fierce gleam in his eye.

Before Cooly knew it, Snake had whistled past Angelic Soldier and a now-recovered Wildrook to sink his fangs into Cooly's nose.

"Don't worry, Cooly! I gotcha!" Doopliss assured, rushing at the serpent.

The Ganon-dressed ghost pulled back a fist and tried to pound Snake into next year…but didn't take into account that mentioned serpent had no intention of getting socked and promptly let go the instant Doopliss swung. Result: Doopliss had socked Cooly full in the face.

"Oops." Doopliss said, moments before getting a good lash from the snake as well.

Systema moved with the swiftness of a ninja and swung his sword at Snake, who ducked and lashed out with his fangs only to miss Systema, who performed a graceful backflip…

Right into a tree. It appeared that the mask of his costume severely limited his eyesight.

As Systema slumped to the ground, Snake turned and was met with the muscular form of Angelic Soldier. The Spartan-dressed soldier took a sword from his belt and pointed it at Snake.

"Sparta."

Snake looked between Angelic Soldier and his sword, then gestured with his tail. "What's that?"

Angelic Soldier turned, spotted nothing, and received a headbutt in the back, sending him stumbling forward into the brush.

"RUN AWAY!" Lunatic ordered, having witnessed his fellow members go down.

"No, Loon, I'll handle this." Rook said, imitating Monty Python's Arthur.

"Oh, go ahead then." Lunatic said with a shrug.

Rook cleared his throat, then shouted, "Run away! Everybody run away!"

Every member of Insania fell back and found shelter behind fallen foliage, nervously peeking out from behind it.

"We'll need a better strategy because that snake is DYNAMITE!" Lunatic said, impressed with the creature's act.

Snake looked at them, taunting them the whole way. "Haw-haw! Can't touch THIS, losers!" he called over at them.

"Do we have any ranged weapon users?" Lunatic asked.

"Don't worry, man, I got a bullet with this guy's name on it." Cooly said, pointing his revolver at the snake from a distance.

"Cooly, are you sure you can hit him from here?" Doopliss asked.

"Ah, don't worry. Vash is a master marksman!" Cooly assured, then pulled back the hammer and fired.

The shot missed Snake by a mile, putting a hole in a tree behind him instead. Cooly stared in confusion, then fired again. This bullet didn't even hit anything. Cooly fired again and again until all six of his shots were used up. Not one came close to hitting Snake.

"Yeah, but you're not Vash the Stampede." Steel pointed out, "You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn."

"Okay, any other options?" Lunatic asked.

"There's the Holy RPG-7…" Rook said, holding up a finger in suggestion.

"That's RIGHT!" Lunatic said, cheer in his tone, "The Holy RPG of Antioch. It's one of the relics that Angelic Soldier carries with him!"

"Uh-oh…" came the voice of Insania member in question.

"That 'uh-oh' had better be because your briefs are riding up." Lunatic said, not turning around.

"I forgot the RPG." Angelic Soldier admitted with embarrassment.

"YOU FORGOT?" Lunatic said, turning to face him.

"I'm Leonidas, not Bin Laden!" Angelic Soldier reasoned, "And be glad about that!"

"I have an idea." Bindi said, then emerged from her hiding spot and made her way towards Snake.

"Wait, what's she planning to do?" Doopliss asked.

Bindi walked toward Snake, slowly and swaying her hips. Oh, and remember that slow saxophone music that played in her introduction? Start playing it now. She closed her eyes, then opened them slowly, giving the serpent a seductive look.

"Oh-ho-ho-ho…" Snake said, hypnotized by the act.

Bindi got down to Snake's level, hooked one of her claws on the zipper on the front of her suit…then proceeded to punch him full in the face.

For one brief moment, Snake just stared (though this could be because snakes don't have eyelids), then said, "Dude..." before passing out on the ground.

Satisfied with her work, Bindi stood and shouted, "Taken care of!"

As the others gathered 'round, Lunatic had to ask Bindi something. "Wait a minute, you used your whip in your right hand before we started, but you took this guy out with a left hook. What's up with that?"

"The author made a mistake last chapter." Bindi answered, casually.

"What are you talking about?" Lunatic asked.

"Oh, just breaking a few walls…and what's Kitten doing?" Bindi asked, pointing her out.

In the back of the group, Kitten was sweeping with the push-broom. On seeing the curious look from the Insane Critic, she laughed nervously.

"Uh…heheh…just covering our tracks." On seeing the reproachful glances, she sighed and said, "I'm trying to stay in character and sweeping is really all Chibitalia is good at doing."

"O-kay, then…back to the journey, everyone?" Lunatic asked everyone.

This was met with approval pretty quick and, soon, everyone was on their way.

"Hey, guys, I have just the thing to make this epic!" Steel said, excitedly, "An epic song!  
><em>May it be an evening star<br>Shines down upon you…"_

On feeling the bitter cold of Systema's sword on his neck, Steel quickly said, "Okay, okay, I'll shut up now."

_Well, just the first chapter into the real journey and, already, I've cracked more than a few jokes about the characters we're cosplaying as. If you haven't spotted them, then shame on you._

_Anyway, next chapter, we check on the progress of Team B. Stay tuned._


	4. Chapter 4

Elsewhere down the road to the Sword of Chaos, Xem stood forward and pointed in a direction.

"Now, my less-than-important team, the bladed steel of constant disorder lies beyond that mountain and then two paces east!" he said, dramatically.

DJ, dressed as the famed Image Comics superhero Spawn, pointed in the same direction and translated, "Go that way."

After understanding the adventure-quest babble, everyone gave assuring signs and continued down the path.

Strait walked side-by-side with E350 when, suddenly, the Aussie clapped a hand on the ex-Green Beret's costumed shoulder.

"Strait, I've just had a brilliant idea!" he said with a smile.

"Er...what?" Strait asked, eyes shifting back and forth.

"Yes, you remember the one I had about wearing underpants on the outside to save on laundry bills." E350 said, the grin still on his face.

After an uneasy look at the Blackadder-dressed fanfic reviewer, Strait just bolted away and went up to Sarge Ray. "Am I the only one who thinks this guy is a Froot Loop shy of a full box?" he asked the ex-SOLDIER.

To emphasize his point, he gestured to a place not too far away where E350 was now trying to strike conversation with some woodland creature that was far too intent on preserving its life.

"Join the club." Ray said, bluntly.

Abe walked near the back of the line in order to avoid some of the unwanted attention from E350 when, suddenly, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned to meet the visor of Dimentio.

"I'm on to you, pal." Dimentio said, jabbing a finger at him, "My hate for you is more black than the coffee I have right now."

"You're just jealous because I'm doing a good job and Lunatic appreciates it." Abe said, flatly.

"Enjoy your spot while it lasts because you'll be eating my dust soon enough." Dimentio said, accusedly.

"Nuh-uh! I'm eating my own dust!" Abe countered.

"Not if I eat it first!"

"LAWYER!"

"HELLSPAWN!"

An idea suddenly sprang into Abe's mind as he asked, "So, you think you're so smart?"

"I don't think. I KNOW." Dimentio said, chest puffed out.

"Okay, let's see you top this. What part of your body allows you to see?" Abe asked.

"Eye." Dimentio said with a nod.

"What does a vacuum cleaner do?" Abe asked, brow raised.

"Suck."

"What do chickens lay?" Abe asked.

"Eggs."

"Now, can you say all your answers in that order?" Abe asked.

"Eye suck eggs-HEY!" Dimentio said, catching himself a bit too late, "YOU TRICKED ME!"

"Hey, SHUT UP back there!" Saire barked, "Dimentio, go to the back!"

"I'm already in the back." Dimentio defended.

"Then go back further, dingbat!" Strait barked, "That's not how you treat a Civil War veteran!"

"World War II, Strait." Xem called from the front.

Obeying the crazed soldier, Dimentio slipped further behind, sulking all the way.

Sarge Ray walked near the front with NobodieZ, who was fiddling with his toy Omnitrix. He cast him a look, then asked, "So, how can you fight without any real weapons?"

"Oh, that's easy." NobodieZ answered, "I can slip it to the front of my fist to use them as brass knuckles, I can try blinding them with the green lights, and I believe you saw the trick I used on Lunatic, right?"

"So, your weapon is a toy and a cheap trick?" Ray asked, "Sounds like a winner."

"Well, genius, isn't Cloud Strife a spiky-haired blonde?" NobodieZ asked, giving Ray a reproachful glance.

"You have Lunatic's recent budget-cut to thank for that." Ray said, sounding like he would want nothing more than to submit Lunatic to all the tortures of the world, "I could only afford the costume and this sword was given to me on my friend's last breath."

"Really?" NobodieZ asked, not buying what he was told, "Tell me, where'd you really get it?"

"EBay." Ray answered, defeated, "It was too good an offer to turn down."

Saire continued onward, then stopped in her tracks to look around. On seeing everyone else was going on without her, she ordered, "Stop!"

Everyone did so and looked at the MK-dressed fanartist in a confused manner.

"I sense something." Saire continued to look on, eyes scanning every inch of the place, "Feels...as though someone's following us."

Everyone looked around, Strait probably doing it more than anyone because of his paranoia.

"Look, Little Miss Crossdresser," Xem said with false sympathy, "It's nice to know you're cautious, but if we were followed, I think I would have known and DESTROYED THEM ALL!"

Saire lowered her mask, losing the dramatic tone, then asked, "Then what are those guys there?"

Xem looked where Saire's gaze had landed, then jolted in surprise. Just a few yards in front of them were three guys in black cloaks. Their hoods obscured their faces and each was holding a different weapon. One held a heavy-looking battleaxe, one held a long, double-edged broadsword, and the last one held a wicked halberd.

"Greetings, travelers. We are the protectors of the Sword of Chaos." the middle one said, his voice high-pitched and raspy. If snakes could talk, they probably would have sounded like the cloaked figure.

"Guardians?" Dimentio asked, "People would be protecting the sword? No one told me that!"

"Yes, we're guardians. There are several of us, each determined to keep the sword from the wrong hands."

"But we're the right hands." Strait said, trying to get their attention, "Our hands are only stained with the blood of our enemies."

"And, besides, would someone unworthy of the sword's power be holding something like this?" NobodieZ said, holding up his Omnitrix.

"Or hold a sword of this might?" Ray asked, gripping the handle of the blade holstered on his belt.

"If you value our life, you shall turn around, leave, and never return." the middle figure warned.

"Don't worry. I'll handle this." Xem said, then turned to meet their gaze and asked, "What do they call you, speed bumps of the ancient world?"

"We are known as the Swordsworn." the middle figure answered.

"Why are they called that?" Abe asked, scratching his head, partly because of curiosity and partly because the wig was really starting to itch.

"Because they've sworn to protect a magic pot. WHAT DO YOU THINK?" DJ asked.

"Leave, fools, or you shall never see day again." the middle Swordsworn, the one with the sword, ordered.

"Yes. Do as he says." the Swordsworn on the left said, voice slightly higher and possibly female; this one had the halberd.

"Leave now, before it's too late." the axe-wielding Swordsworn on the right said in a slightly deeper voice than the middle.

"Alright, then." Xemnas1992 said, rolling up the sleeves of his robes.

"Didn't we agree that I'd do the talking?" The middle Swordsworn snapped, earning apologies from his fellows.

"If you're not going to move, then I guess I'll have to do all the hard work FOR YOU!" Xem said, then conjured green flames in his hand. He thrust one forward, as though saying "stop", and shouted, "TEG TNEB!"

The green fire shot from Xem's hand and came to a halt in front of the middle swordsworn. When it cleared, a marble bust of U.S. President Gerald Ford appeared in midair mere moments before falling to the ground with a dull "thud".

Xem looked perplexed at what he had just done, then tried again, each light seeming to summon a different object.

A rubber duck...

A French horn...

A TV remote...

A hypnotoad...which the middle Swordsworn sent flying with a single kick.

Fed up with not getting the right spell, Xem took a book from within his robe, slipped on a pair of reading glasses, then opened the book up and flipped through the pages. He stopped, put his finger on one particular page, then read aloud...

"Blast: see 'destroy'..." Xem flipped through the pages again, "Destroy: see 'blast'...who wrote this thing?" Xem closed the book and found, to his horror, that the author was none other than himself, "Oh, crud, I KNEW I should've reread this."

The Swordsworn, looking VERY unimpressed at what the warlock-dressed tiger had done (all the more impressive even with hoods obscuring their faces), continued to stand as statue-esque as before. And Xemnas1992, wanting SOME form of results, walked up to the one in the middle.

"Um…yeah, you gotta help me out here." He said with a nervous chuckle, "That spell was supposed to blow you up. If you'd kindly blow up into a million pieces, scream, and scatter everywhere about thirty yards from here, that'd be great."

Xem took the middle Swordsworn's arm and seemed to be trying to pull it off like the limb of a cheap action figure. It didn't work because mentioned cloaked figure's arm was about as steadfast as the limb of a statue.

The Swordsworn, sick of the game, wrenched his arm out of Xem's grasp, then swept it as though backhanding him. It missed, but it was still enough to send the cloaked tiger flying backwards to land right next to his fellows.

Xem sat up, then came to a very obvious conclusion, "Hehe…I've decided that I'm suddenly very afraid of you. And, by the way-RUUUUUN!" On the final word, Xem turned tail and ran, then saw that he left behind his spell book, dashed over, picked it up, and ran away again.

"A'ight, leave this to a true American hero." Strait said, then took to the front and gestured to himself with his thumb, "I'm Captain America: Super Soldier, Revolutionary War Veteran…"

"World War II." Said one of the Swordsworn.

"You're comic nerds. Congrats." Strait said, then got back into his character, "I'm back from a cold sleep and I'm gonna plant a boot in your behind if you don't get out of our way!"

E350 stood beside Strait and said, with a confiding nod, "Don't worry, my American friend, I've got your tail…you do have one, right?"

"Shut up." Strait said, then took his shield and got into the classic CQD stance while E350 took up, quite possibly, the wimpiest boxing stance ever.

The middle Swordsworn planted the tip of his sword into the ground, then slowly raised a finger at the two. With a high-pitched whine, much like a serrated blade being sharply drawn across glass, a single beam erupted from his fingertip. It narrowly missed every Insania member in Team B. When mentioned beam hit a tree, it exploded like four pounds of TNT had exploded in the area.

Strait and E350 looked at the cloud of dust kicked up from the explosion, then at each other, then at the Swordsworn before shouting two words.

"HOLY CRUD!"

Dimentio and Mad Abe mirrored the American and Aussie…or maybe it's British, I don't know and frankly I don't care, then said four words at the exact same time.

"WET YOURSELF AND RUN!"

Every member of Team B went the way of Xem and simply turned tail and ran as fast as their legs could carry them.

"Wait, if we're warriors, can't we take them on?" Ray asked as he ran.

"SHUT UP AND RUN!" NobodieZ screamed.

The Swordsworn took their weapons in hand, then took a patient, silent, and steady pace after the group. Even though one couldn't see their face, one could definitely feel their cold, murderous aura.

Or maybe it wasn't the cloaked figures' at all. Maybe it was the aura of the crimson-coated figure who was standing behind them, having not made a noise or given any indication he was there. He had been watching them this whole time, making sure that everything went according to his plan.

SWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSW

Dezblade stayed hot on the trail of one of the teams, keeping their footprints in sight. The way he looked at the ground and one would never guess that he hadn't seen the obstacle that lay ahead.

In a flurry of emerald-green and with a sharp hiss, something raced right at the Dark Knight cosplayer. He, however, seemed to be aware of the thing coming at him, for he spun around and grabbed it with his right hand.

He had just grabbed the creature known as "Snake" right around the neck, his grip impressive and his reflexes even more so.

"Who…who are you?" Snake choked.

Dez brought the reptile so close to his face that, had he been closer, Snake might have bitten his nose, and replied with an iconic, two-word phrase.

"I'm Batman."

Dez pulled back his fist as the snake emitted a high-pitched girly scream and-

**This scene is too violent for young readers. We're just going to end the chapter here.**

_Shorter than my previous chapters, I know. But, hey, we all have our styles and, when it comes to chapters, I expect quality over length._

_Next time, we check up on Team A's part of the quest and see how Team B handles the Swordsworn in combat._

_Stay tuned…_


	5. Chapter 5

Team A made their way past a bit of dense brush, Lunatic using one of his Keyblades as a machete. Lord only knew how long they had been traveling.

So, when they saw a path up ahead with an out-of-place object, it was only natural for them to sigh in relief. The object in question: a lawn chair.

"Huh. What a welcome obstacle." Lunatic said in relief, "Fellows, any of you tired?"

"Yes." Everyone replied, drearily.

"Well, then we all have a problem. There's," Lunatic did a quick count on his fingers, "Ten of us and only one chair."

At this comment, Rook did a quick head-count, completely leaving out Wandrex (or "Patsy" as he called him), shrugged, then continued minding his own business. This act earned a facepalm from Wandrex, who wondered just how long Rook was prepared to keep up this act.

"Now, I'm sure that there's a perfectly rational and adult way to solve this-MINE!" Lunatic said, rushing forward.

At the same time, Steel made a dash for the chair as well. He and Lunatic both reached it at the same time and, as they both tried to sit in it, they began a very girly and very immature slap-fight. Eventually, Lunatic managed to shove Steel away and placed himself firmly in the chair before Steel could get back to try and get back to fighting.

At his defeat, Steel stamped his foot and began doing what he usually did in defeat: sulk.

Once assured of his victory, Lunatic heaved a deep and relaxed sigh, propped his legs forward, and closed his eyes as he felt his sore muscles slowly soothe themselves. It honestly felt like his muscles were taking a breath of fresh air.

Suddenly, Tohokari-Steel lowered himself to Loon's level and asked, "Can I bring something up, Lunatic?"

"If I say 'no', will it matter?" Lunatic asked, sounding half-asleep.

"Don't you find it odd that there's a lawn chair in the middle of nowhere?" Steel asked with a shrug.

"Are you trying to get me out of the chair so you can steal it?" Lunatic asked, focus shifting quickly to his older brother.

"NO!" Steel defended, paused, then admitted, "Actually, it kinda is. But I still have a valid point: what is something as movable as a lawn chair doing here? It feels kinda like someone was here…waiting for someone to stumble upon it."

Lunatic gave it a thought over and, he couldn't really believe he was admitting it, but his brother had a point. "You're right. It IS kinda strange…"

"Almost as though someone was watching our every move, HOPING we would find it." Steel said, adding onto the suspense.

Lunatic, after taking in what his brother was saying, looked over at the surrounding wood. Every tree he saw could have been hiding some unknown force waiting to strike when least suspecting.

"That IS a good point there." Lunatic said, eyes darting back and forth.

"We need to be prepared." Steel said, steely-eyed.

"Yeah." Lunatic agreed.

"We need to trust no one." Steel added.

"Yeah!" Lunatic agreed, more enthusiastically than last time.

"WE NEED…"

"What?" Lunatic said, excitedly.

"AN EPIC NARRATOR!" Steel finished.

"What?" Lunatic asked, excitement turning into downright confusion now.

With that, Steel pulled a long list of paper from the sleeve of his robe and began to read aloud.

"A TON of people exist with great narrating voices. I'll let YOU decide that factor." Steel said, quickly, "I have the options of James Earl Jones, Keith David, Christopher Lee, Patrick Stewart, and Leonard Nemoy. But there are more than a few options for female narrators like Cate Blanchett and Gillian Anderson to look at…"

"STOP!" Lunatic barked, "We don't need epicness!"

"Oh, come on!" Steel whined, "I spent hours coming up with colorful words to try and describe our adventure. By the way, what's a nice strong synonym for 'road'?"

"GET LOST!" Lunatic barked.

This time, Steel rolled his eyes, then went off to sulk with the rest of the group.

Bindi and Kitten were giving Lunatic a few cold glares, until they both noticed something. After a quick and hurried debate on who should bring it up, it was settled when Kitten stepped towards him.

"Loony?" she asked.

"If it's about giving up the chair, it's not happening." Lunatic said, not even opening his eyes from his relaxation.

"Loon, that's not it." Kitten cleared up.

"If it's about the epicness, I addressed it with Steel."

"It's not about that. It's…"

"WHAT?" Lunatic asked, poised to spring from his seat and attack, "WHAT IS IT YOU WANT TO TELL ME?"

"Your hair's sticking out of your wig." Kitten said, trying not to scream.

A perplexed look crossed Lunatic's face as he reached into his coat and pulled out a small mirror. A quick glance into it and, sure enough, there was a lock of red poking out the front of his blonde wig. He gave a quick cry in panic as he tried to stick the lock of crimson back under the wig. The effort was fruitless because every time he tried, the lock would spring back out.

"Need a hand?" Kitten asked.

Lunatic gave Kitten a look that seemed to say "not a word to anyone else, okay?", then raised his arms in defeat.

Elsewhere in the group, Doopliss checked to see if Systema was in earshot of him. On seeing that the Russian was nowhere in sight, the ghost set to his dastardly plan.

_Great. Lost that Communist freak! But he knows my plan and, for that, I can't let him live. I swear, as soon as I get that sword, he will tremble before my awesome MIGHT!_

Doopliss had just finished when he had the feeling that someone had been listening to him this whole time. He slowly turned around and was met with Angelic Soldier and Wildrook, each giving him looks of questioning mixed with coldness. He cursed himself for forgetting about the "inner" part of "inner monologue" again.

"You're a loony, do you know that?" Rook asked, gripping the handle of his sword, "But know that you'll have a few pairs of eyes on you, sheet-boy."

"I'm Leonidas." Angelic Soldier said, expression unchanging, "And I bet you know what he does to people he doesn't like."

Doopliss chuckled nervously, then crossed his heart and held his hand up in the cross-my-heart-hope-to-die fashion. On seeing the two would-be-kings' gazes leave him, he sighed. He really needed to learn to keep his thoughts to himself sometimes.

Lunatic's expression looked like it could have been carved from stone. Mentioned expression was the look that said, "I really wish I wasn't in this position right now". Why, you may ask? He was back in the lawn chair, wig-less, and Kitten was tending to his long, spiky hair. A comb was in one hand and a bottle of hairspray was in the other. She was currently trying to comb Lunatic's hair back, but needed as much hairspray as she could.

"HOW would you know how to deal with this?" Lunatic asked, finally breaking the silence.

"One has to know this when one has long hair." Kitten explained, "Unfortunately, this Square Enix stuff is really hard to deal with..."

"Sarge Ray never has to deal with it." Lunatic grumbled.

Well, that saying earned him a sharp tug of his locks from Kitten. The maid-dressed anime fan pulled his hair so that Lunatic had to crane his neck to look at her.

"Sarge Ray knew of the Square Enix hair problem beforehand, thus he shaved his head and keeps it a buzz cut." Kitten deadpanned, "YOU, on the other hand, have repeatedly stated that you're proud of your spikes. Now, shut up and let me work."

With that, she released Lunatic. After that experience, he dared not say another word.

Bindi tugged at part of her catsuit. Not only was it tugging on her hairs like a cheap, rubber cap, but it was starting to itch.

"Hey, guys!" came a voice from behind her, causing the anthro skunk to jump in surprise. She turned to see none other than Stephenie Meyer looking like she was holding something. "I found Tohokari-Steel's contact lens-oh, look, he has glasses!"

Bindi's eyes darted back and forth between Meyer and her whip, but she decided against the latter. "Um…barbershop customer? Little help here?"

Lunatic turned on being addressed, saw the situation, decided that his hair had been tamed enough, and got out of the chair to address the problem.

"Meyer, Meyer, Meyer…" Lunatic said, trying to contain his rage, "What, what, what, what, WHAT are you doing here?"

"I found Steel's contact lens, though I'm not sure it's really his." Meyer explained with a smile, "Can I join your team now?"

Lunatic struggled to find both a way to get rid of Meyer and the right words to say it. "We…uh…we would, but, uh…there's another special mission you must help with."

"Really? What's that?" Meyer asked with a smile.

"Um…uh…" Lunatic looked around until his eyes rested on Cooly McAwesome, who was working on his aim with the revolver, "Cooly has Hepatitis."

"Huh?" the hedgehog said, looking up, "What'd he say?"

"Wow. Didn't know that…didn't know Darth Vader was Luke's father either." Meyer said, impressed.

"Yeah, you see the guy now?" Lunatic asked, guiding Meyer's line of vision to Cooly, who had no idea what was going on, "You see the confusion and the worry in him? That is a lifetime of having to live with that disease. And it's bad, REAL bad, and we can't live with it anymore!"

"Well, can't I just turn him into one of my vampires?" Meyer asked, "It'll cure everything and make him better."

"NO! He'd rather be sick and ugly than sparkly and GAY!" Lunatic barked, earning a shocked expression from Cooly, "Anyway, it's more psychological. He CONSTANTLY thinks he has whatever disease a PSI commercial is being addressed. In this case, hepatitis; should've seen him when he saw something on herpes."

Cooly's expression had fallen flat as he pointed his revolver at the two. Whether he was aiming for Lunatic for saying the garbage he had just said or at Meyer just to get a move on with the quest, I'll leave that up to you.

"So, you need to find a PSA that addresses perfect health and he'll be okay." Lunatic said, oblivious to what Cooly was doing.

"They have those?" Meyer asked, tilting her head.

"Yes. People are so desperate for attention that they'll promote perfect health for it!" Lunatic said, expanding on the idea, "Now, go, Meyer. Go and find the perfect health PSA; the library, any computer with internet access, find that PSA, record it, and show it to Cooly and he'll be good in no time!"

"But…can I really find something like that?" Meyer asked.

"Less asking, more DOING." Lunatic said, clapping her on the shoulder, "This is a quest that only YOU can perform."

Meyer thought long and hard…for about five seconds before shrugging and saying, "Okay."

"Okay, then. Go off and find that PSA and we can cure Cooly of his hepatitis." Lunatic said, then turned to his team, "Alright, let's move out since we're all rested up."

As the group left, everyone passing Meyer at least once, Meyer stopped Cooly. "Don't worry. If you actually DO have hepatitis, you can always rely on these delusions."

At that moment, Steel happened to be passing by while trying to write the narration. When he heard that, he froze, looked at Meyer and Cooly, then at his paper, and shook his head. "I guess I can censor that…"

"Yeah." Cooly said, pulling back the hammer of his revolver, "Whatever, dudette." And, rather harshly, he shouldered past her to join the rest of the group.

Confused as to what Cooly's problem was, Meyer shrugged it off (much like with any form of logic in her works) and went off to find the PSA.

SWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSW

With Meyer far behind Team A (or so they hoped), Lunatic looked the map over, trying to make sense of it. He sighed in frustration as he said, "There's got to be a better way to read this. Who'd have thought a chain letter would be so frustrating?"

Everyone except the Insane Critic froze in their tracks and emitted three words, simultaneously.

"A CHAIN LETTER?"

Lunatic froze. He had let his tongue slip at possibly the worst time. Still, he had to turn and face the music.

"You mean to say that you dragged us out here for a CHAIN LETTER?" Kitten shrieked.

"THIS…IS…STUPID!" Angelic Soldier said, planting the tip of his spear in the ground with each word That single comment earned the Spartan-dressed soldier a turn of the head from every one of his team. This had been the first time he had acted in character. On seeing everyone's expression, he just shrugged and casually said, "I'm Leonidas."

"Okay, it MAY have come from God-only-knows, but I have this gut feeling that it's legit." Lunatic said, gesturing to the map. This did nothing to change the enraged expression that adorned everyone's faces. "By the way, we have to mail this to fifty more people or it's bad luck on all of us…"

**_"HALT! Go no further." _**came a deep, booming voice that sounded like it belonged to some giant monster.

Everyone jumped in surprise as they sought the source of the voice. They looked ahead and were met with a hunchbacked figure wearing a dirty-looking cloak.

"Who are you?" Systema asked, eyes narrowing behind his mask.

**_"I am the guardian of this path. I know all about each and every one of you; your ambitions, your desires, your fears, EVERYTHING." _**The hunchbacked figure said, his voice oddly deceptive of his appearance.

THAT statement sent shivers down everyone's spines (Systema's was questionable, though).

**_"If you wish to pass, you must answer three questions correctly. Only then will I let your group pass."_**

"Okay, everyone stand back." Rook said, striding forward, "I've handled this sort of thing before. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. I seek the Sword of Chaos. And what do you mean? An African or a European swallow?"

The hunchback raised his arm, his long sleeve covering his hand, and a blast of red energy struck the ground just in front of Rook's right foot, causing him to jump back in terror.

**_"You forgot the most important part of this challenge. Let me ASK the questions first." _**The hunchback said, impatiently, **_"May the leader of your group step forward."_**

In direct contrast, everyone else EXCEPT Lunatic stepped back. The Roxas cosplayer looked back, realizing he had fallen for a cheap trick, then facepalmed himself.

"Fine. I'm the leader of this crew. HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT!" Lunatic said, feeling a good bit braver now.

**_"Good. Now, the first question…"_**

Lunatic stood his ground, ready for what was to come…

**_"Do you have cash?"_**

Lunatic raised an eyebrow. He had certainly not seen that question coming. Still, he chose to answer honestly.

"No."

**_"Do your friends have any cash?"_**

Lunatic looked over at the rest of his team and raised a hand as though saying, "do you?" and on a bunch of shaking heads and empty pockets, he turned and answered the question.

"No."

**_"Is there any place within five miles of here where you can get cash?"_**

Another glance at his team earned him a few thoughtful looks and a small group-huddle, but ultimately they shook their heads.

"No."

On hearing the last "no", the hunchback WASN'T a hunchback. He stood up straight, raised its hands up to lower its hood. The figure's skull-mask-face showed that was none other than Planet Insania's resident tormentor, Steve the Hollow. What confirmed his infamy was that, on top of his head, he wore Steel's Kenshin wig.

**_"Alright, off ya go." _**Steve said, a bit disheartened at the lack of cash.

Everyone stared in shock, then that shock changed to scowls from everyone, reason being that they hadn't seen it coming and didn't like the grand revelation.

"Does that ever work?" Lunatic asked.

**_"You'd be surprised." _**Steve answered, then ran away as fast as he could.

Steel almost ran after the jerkwad of a Hollow, intent on ending his afterlife, but a tag-team of Bindi the Skunk and Kitten Hachi-Chan managed to restrain him.

"No, Steel! Save it for Lunatic!" Kitten pleaded.

"Yeah, you can kill Steve later!" Bindi agreed.

"Ugh…" Steel groaned, "I just wanted my wig back. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?"

Team A scowled at the momentary and needless obstacle, then continued down the path. The difference now was that the possibility of Lunatic leading them on a wild goose chase was even MORE possible.

Still…they still had to deal with Lunatic's threat of being fired. Either go with him on this childish, silly journey, or lose their jobs.

SWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSW

Dezblade continued down the trail of his friends. He had thrashed that snake like nobody's business, but followed Batman's no-kill policy and merely left the reptile battered and beaten on the ground.

Down the road, he passed an odd, purple being with a skull-like mask and a reddish-orange wig. Mentioned being paused, then raised an inquisitive finger.

**_"Excuse me, sir, but you wouldn't happen to have cash, would you?" _**Steve asked.

Dezblade shook his head. "Didn't think I'd need any for what I'm going to." He answered, then passed the being by.

Mere seconds later, Dez felt a presence, then turned to see Steve trying to pick his pocket. He gave Steve a hard glare and the Hollow chuckled, sheepishly.

**_"Um…hehe…just checking?"_** Steve said, hoping he'd buy it.

_Well, that's it for this chapter. Next time, we see how Team B deals with the Swordsworn and Cartoonatic FINALLY catches up with them._

_Stay tuned…_


	6. Chapter 6

Cartoonatic remained hot on the trail of the team she was following. The detective goggles that Dezblade had given here were really cutting-edge; not missing a single footstep. She guessed that she would find the group at any minute.

She had no idea how much sooner.

How so? Well, she heard panicked cries just ahead of her and, upon turning a corner, was met with nine other individuals in cosplay costumes.

"Oh, THERE you are!" she said, relieved that her little side-quest had been successful.

"TALK LATER!" DJ screamed as the whole group ran past her, "RUN NOW!"

Cartoonatic watched each member sprint past her, then looked back down the road. Well, let's just say that she caught onto the game once she caught sight of the cloaked figures with wicked, bladed weapons and firing beams of magic.

"WAIT UP!"

The members of Team B sprinted across a bridge, single-file. When Xemnas1992 reached it, he stopped halfway across, turned to face them, and raised his hand in a "stop" fashion.

"YOU CANNOT PASS!" Xem roared at the cloaked figures. A near miss from one of the magic beams from the center Swordsworn quickly changed his mind. "Wrong character, anyway."

NobodieZ eventually turned around, fiddled with his Omnitrix, and stood to bravely face them, too. "It's hero time!" He slammed a hand down on his watch…nothing.

"IT'S A FREAKIN' TOY!" Saire said, grabbing NobodieZ by the collar and dragging the hapless person with him.

The middle Swordsworn fell back a bit, clutching at his chest as though he had run a mile. The one with the axe paused to help him attain balance and to give a good warning.

"Don't overdo the magic. You know it takes a lot of energy to do." She advised,  
>"Besides, you like carving them to pieces better than zapping them."<p>

As soon as the axe-wielding Swordsworn dashed after them, the middle stood high again. "Yes…who needs magic when you have bladed steel?"

It seemed that Dimentio and Mad Abe kept up their ritual even in a panic-induced retreat. When Dimentio saw that Abe was getting a good head-start, he grabbed Abe's "tail" and pulled him back to gain a slight lead.

Abe's response? Well, it was pretty much any human's. He grabbed Dimentio by the collar and did the exact same thing for vengeance.

Fortunately, on seeing that there were three tall, cloaked figures with weapons indicating that they would want nothing more than to butcher them, they set a momentary truce very quickly.

Team B sprinted across practically every epic scenery in existence: an open field, a creek, a hillside, but none turned around to try and wage battle with the Swordsworn, who were now in hot pursuit, blades gleaming in the sun.

E350 had gotten to the front of the group and stopped, as though he had seen something. An ambitious grin spread across his face as he pointed and shouted, "THERE'S a place that's worthy for us to do battle with these loonies!"

What was E350 pointing at, you may ask? Well…it's actually kind of embarrassing, but here goes.

A playground. Yeah. One of those things you see at local parks where all the kids play? THAT was what E350 deemed a "worthy battlefield".

Sad, really.

Anyway, each member of Team B took a position at different points of the playground: slide, bridge, swingset, you name it, they took a place there.

As the Swordsworn drew closer, Saire pulled up her mask, took a fighting pose, and challenged, "Bring it on."

The Swordsworn didn't need a challenge to do just that. The battle was on…

Needless to say that, when the one with the axe approached E350, he screamed and ran as fast as his legs could carry him. The axe-wielder, rather than try to pursue him, shrugged, then moved on to someone who would, hopefully, give him a real fight.

The Swordsworn wielding a sword swung at Saire, who ducked under it and delivered a sharp kick to his midsection. The cloaked figure stumbled back, looked back at his adversary, then swung again and again, each swing proving a bit harder to dodge.

Shadow-DJ drew his scythe and engaged the halberd-wielding Swordsworn in a battle of steel.

"C'mon, man!" he groaned, "I just review movies, I don't even know half these guys!"

Mad Abe was met face-to-face with the axe-wielder, who was making her way across a playground bridge to try and get at him. Thinking fast, Abe stepped into a slide and slid all the way to the ground.

To the Swordsworn, this was no obstacle as she simply mirrored him, going down the slide as well…and hitting her head on something hard. Mad Abe, split-seconds before the cloaked figure descended, clambered on top and, as soon as his enemy was in view, clunked her in the head with the handle of his katana.

"OW!" the cloaked figure said, clutching her head and falling to the ground, "Cheapest trick in the book and I fell for it!"

Xem and the lead Swordsworn were engaged in a battle, not of blades, but of spells. Xem's green fire was pitted against the Swordsworn's crimson beam. Crack your own Harry Potter or Christmas color joke here right about now.

Anyway, Xem seemed to have an upper hand until the Swordsworn pulled out his sword and raised it up in a frontal defend. The emerald fire split on contact with the sword, forming something like a giant, green letter 'Y'. On seeing that the Swordsworn was getting closer, Xem decided not to allow this guy to get any closer…and ran away for either cover or better ground.

DJ was currently doing battle with the halberd-wielding Swordsworn with his scythe. Now, I know what you're thinking. "Has Spawn ever used a scythe?" Well, it's actually DJ's traditional weapon; never leaves home without it.

Back in the story, DJ was so caught up in his battle that he didn't notice the axe-wielder sneaking up on him. The cloaked female grabbed DJ's cape and, with a sharp tug, sent the Demon Critic falling flat on his back.

"Oh, COME ON!" DJ groaned, then rolled just in time to avoid a downward chop from the halberd wielder. He then raised his foot and hit the guy in the…well, you've seen "America's Funniest Home Videos", right?

DJ watched his adversary limp away, then hopped back to his feet and took off after him.

The sword-wielding Swordsworn was met with Sarge Ray, who shrugged the Buster Sword off its place on his back and pointed it at the cloaked figure. In comparing the two's weapon of choices, it was like comparing a potato knife to a katana.

"You call that a sword?" Ray challenged, "THIS is a sword!"

The two just stood there for a few tense moments, until the Swordsworn came to a rather comical conclusion…

"HA! That thing's so heavy that all you CAN do is point it at me!" the cloaked figure cackled.

Ray's muscles strained to keep the blade's tip pointing at him until he just couldn't take it anymore. He let it drop, then dug the tip into the ground as far as he could put it, then proceeded to pant like a dog that had run a mile.

The Swordsworn laughed, then asked, "What will you do with a weapon you can barely lift?"

The cloaked figure charged, but didn't expect for Ray to grab the hilt of the buster sword, twirl acrobatically around it, and thump him in the back with both his feet.

"Improvise." Ray said as soon as he landed. On seeing other parts of the battle to take part in, he plucked his sword, holstered it, then took off.

The axe-wielding swordsworn was currently hacking at Lt. Strait, who kept blocking with his shield. The shield itself seemed authentic because no matter how hard the axe struck his shield, it didn't even leave a dent. The all-American soldier ducked under one strike and completely suckered his enemy: he had ducked just as she swung at a tree, lodging her axe into the wood.

Strait chuckled, then slammed the front of his shield into the cloaked figure's front, knocking her on her pants. He grinned, then went off to see who else was available for a good whipping.

E350 and Dimentio were caught in a bit of a circular problem. Neither had any real weapons (well, okay, Dimentio had a coffee mug, but that was settled when one Swordsworn cleaved it in half). The two were caught on the structure and were going in circles, but with each rotation, they were met with the halberd-using Swordsworn.

While their escape from this situation was very comical, I will not tell you. I'm simply that mean.

Saire stood to face the sword-wielding Swordsworn, lowered her mask, stuck her fingers in her mouth, and emitted a shrill whistle. On hearing a familiar tune, she raised her mask and raised her arms in a fighting stance.

_ROUND ONE…_

_FIGHT!_

As soon as the signal was given, the battle was on: Mortal Kombat style. Both exchanged punches, kicks, physically-impossible martial arts moves, and combat phrases ranging from "take that" to "DIE". The fight eventually turned in Saire's favor when she kneed the Swordsworn in the gut, stepped back, charged bluish energy between her palms, and fired it at the guy, freezing him in a case of ice. She then pulled back her arm and smashed her fist onto the guy's head.

Result: the ice shattered, leaving a dazed Swordsworn wobbling on his feet before falling to the ground.

_Winner by Knockout: Sub-Zero._

Saire pumped her fist in victory, then backed away as she saw the axe-wielder coming after her.

The Halberd-bearing Swordsworn came face-to-face with Mad Abe, who drew his katana with a mad cackle, blue flames engulfing the sword.

"HAHAHAHA! YA WANT SOME?" Mad Abe challenged, demonically.

"Is your sword supposed to be on fire?" the cloaked figure asked.

Mad Abe looked at his sword, saw that it was actually on fire, then screamed and began running, frantically, around the playground while trying to find some way of extinguishing the flames. While one couldn't really see the faces of these hooded beings, one could definitely sense the aura they were putting out.

Right now, that aura was one of questioning if this was their adversary. Even more pathetic to them was that Abe had put out the fire with a local drinking fountain.

The sword-wielding and axe-wielding Swordsworn had NobodieZ cornered until he started fiddling with his watch. Knowing that the watch was of no threat, they advanced.

Both were met with a blinding, green flash from the watch and both shielded their eyes from the bright light. They suddenly felt tapping on their shoulders, turned to meet each other…and then E350 grabbed the back of their heads and clunked their noggins together with a Stooges-esque "CLUNK".

E350 and NobodieZ high-fived, then went about their merry way in battle.

The axe-wielder was soon met with the crimson boot of Lt. Strait, who towered over her. "So, how does it feel to lick the boot of a Vietnam War veteran?" Strait asked her.

"World War II." The Swordsworn corrected.

"Whatever! How does it feel?" Strait asked, frustration rising.

"Sucks to be you." The Swordsworn said, then raised her fist and socked him in the kneecap, causing him to stumble back, hop on one foot, and clutch his knee.

Cartoonatic was blocking swipe after swipe from the halberd-wielding Swordsworn using an eighteenth-century naval saber. However, because of her opponent's heavier and longer weapon, she had to back up frequently until she almost fell from what was supposed to be the fireman's pole had she not grabbed the ledge. The Swordsworn towered over the dangling cosplayer and was about to step on her fingers when she grabbed his cloak and began tugging him down. The hapless guardian fell, tumbling, to the ground until he lay on the ground, limbs spread out like a starfish.

Sarge Ray, who was nearby and punching one Swordsworn in the face, saw the hapless member of Insania and shouted, "Cartoonatic!"

Sarge Ray made a mad dash and dove forward, grabbing her hand just as she had let go. Ray saw Cartoonatic's eyes dart to the saber that she had dropped lying just underneath her and shook his head, desperately.

"Cartoonatic, no. Don't even think about letting go." He said, almost as though he feared for her life.

"I need that to fight." Cartoonatic egged.

"Worry about that later and just let me help you up!" Ray said, volume and worry increasing.

"Ray!" she said, irritably.

"I WON'T LOSE ANOTHER FRIEND!" Ray shouted.

"Ray, it's only an eight-foot drop." Cartoonatic bluntly pointed out.

Ray looked down and found that the "threatening" drop…wasn't all that threatening. He let go of her and she landed on her feet, completely unharmed.

Cartoonatic picked up her sword, then looked up at Ray and said, "You really need to know when and when NOT to act in-character."

"Sorry." Ray said, then got back on his feet to continue with the battle.

E350 was backed up against a pillar, the sword-wielding Swordsworn ready to impale him on his sword. The cloaked figure was least expecting a black substance to suddenly splash on his face and…

"AAAAAAGH! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!" the figure screamed, then began to flail around in pain of the searing liquid burning his skin.

E350 blinked in surprise, then turned to meet Dimentio with another mug in his hand. "There was a nice coffee shop down the street." The lawyer-dressed Filipino explained. Well, the mysterious absence of the guy and the new mug in his hand suddenly became explainable.

Atop the playground, it was absolute havoc with blades clashing and fists and feet connecting with midsections and faces.

"Excuse me!"

Everyone turned at the unfamiliar voice and were met with an average-looking man with a button-up t-shirt, beard stubble, glasses, and khakis. Behind him was a group of five kids and the man himself looked less-than-pleased.

"My kids want to play on the playground, but you all are hogging it." The man said, irritably.

"Um…" Xem said, tugging at the collar of his robe, "Well, we're kinda having a battle to decide the fate of mankind here."

"Yeah…your existence is on the line." The lead Swordsworn added.

"I don't care what you nerds are doing or what your little fantasy game is about, but this is a public playground and my kids want to play." The man said, anger rising by the second.

"Oh, c'mon!" Strait complained, "Like we're gonna give way to a bunch o' little, snot-nosed monsters like them?"

The kids had apparently understood his words and began to sniffle, brokenheartedly. Well, it's safe to say that it was only reasonable for the man to waltze over to Strait and sock him full in the gut, sending the ex-Green Beret tumbling to the ground.

"Get…off…NOW!" the man said through his teeth, pointing a finger at the Swordsworn.

(Soon after…)

Both the Planet Insania members and the Swordsworn watched, disheartened, as the kids went onto the playground and did what kids did whilst playing on them: giggle, play games, chase each other, compete, the like.

"Well, that's just grand." Cartoonatic said, with everyone else in agreement.

"Well, then let us find a new battlefield! One where there is no parental communism to disrupt our quest!" Xem said, epically, "If it weren't for my true, soft, kind self, I'D DESTROY THEM ALL!"

(A few minutes later…)

The conflicting groups had found another playground: one far smaller, shabbier, and with less ground and obstacles.

"The old one was better." E350 groaned.

"Yeah…" everyone else agreed.

"The last one had a swingset." Dimentio said, almost heartbroken.

"Well, it'll have to do." The lead Swordsworn sighed, "Let me see, I was right here…" he stood right in the middle, taking his lackeys with him and not even bothering to look at the Insania members, "Axe, you were behind the slide, aiming to ambush someone."

The axe-bearer took a position behind the slide, axe poised to strike. The sword-bearer then pointed at a stairway and said, "Halberd, you were about three steps up." The halberd-bearer obeyed without question and the leader nodded. "Well, let's get this fight back on…"

He trailed off, and for good reason. Every member of Insania had turned tail and run without a sound.

"Oh, DANG! They're so good at that!" the halberd-wielding Swordsworn said, stamping his foot.

"Indeed. Maybe it was wrong of us to assume they'd just stand and fight." The leader said, engulfed in thought.

"Maybe we were fools for actually falling for that trick!" the axe-wielder said as she stormed out from her hiding place.

SWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSW

"Boy, those guys were dumber than we thought." Mad Abe said with a chuckle.

"They just assume too much." Cartoonatic suggested.

"Hey, did you manage to keep a grip on the map?" Saire asked.

"HA! What type of clumsy oaf do you all take me for?" Xem asked with a chuckle.

"Trust me. You don't want ANYONE to answer that." Ray warned.

"What are you implying?" Xem asked, almost accusingly.

"Nothing." Ray answered, quickly.

Had Xem looked back, though, he would have spotted a crumpled-and-torn-for-ancient-feel map just a few yards behind them.

Oops.

_Team B has evaded the Swordsworn for now. But how will they find their way without the map? How will Xem's team take the truth?_

_Stay tuned and find out…_


	7. Chapter 7

Team A continued down its path, Loon up front with the map in hand and the samurai-dressed Tohokari-Steel just to his left.

"Lunatic," Steel said in his best Kenshin voice, "I think you have a problem in this group."

"What?" Lunatic asked, momentarily taking his attention off the map.

"I don't think that you're getting into your character." Steel said, expanding on the idea.

"Of course I am." Lunatic said with a shrug, "Heartless, Nobodies, Organization XIII, that whole shindig."

"But the map does say that, if we stay in character, we'll be able to find the Sword of Chaos easier." Steel argued, "It helps put us in the mindset on how to find the sword and NOT use it for evil purposes."

"Well, Mr. Noble Hero, help me find out what this means." Lunatic said, gesturing to the map, "It says, 'After your group crosses 'round the second mile, kindly ask for guidance from the guide with a smile'."

"Guidance from a guide?" Doopliss asked, "That's got to be the most redundant thing I've ever heard."

"Hello."

Every member of Team A turned their attention from the map/chain letter and were met with a most peculiar sight.

Just up the path they were taking was a beautiful woman wearing a crimson kimono with intricate designs and a deep-violet sash around her waist. Her brown hair was tied up in a ponytail with a pink ribbon. The odd thing about her was that she just kept smiling, her eyes seemingly closed in a very anime-esque way. In her hand was a long staff with a golden loop at the top end embroidered with several smaller rings.

"I'm the Smiling Guide." The woman introduced in a happy tone.

Everyone took a quick look at the map, then looked at the woman in a manner that said "really?".

"That's so redundant that it makes even LESS sense than the map." Doopliss called, irritation in his voice.

"Is that so? Well, the next time I see Mr. Albertson, I'll see if I can get a name change." The Smiling Guide said, casually.

"So, I take it that you can show us the way to what we seek?" Lunatic questioned.

"That's what I was taught since childhood." The guide answered.

"Then, tell us, Smiling Guide." Steel ordered, "Which way do we go from here?"

The smiling woman put a finger to her chin in momentary thought, humming to herself in thought as she tried to remember the way. As she did so, each member of Planet Insania was trying to find something to think of OTHER than the woman in front of them.

Lunatic was thinking about fanfictions he could be reviewing that would have characters more interesting and less annoying than this smiling woman who treated them like-DANGIT!

Tohokari-Steel was trying to find some way to make the quest more epic, in which he decided that a gaunt, skeletal guard with the voice of Keith David would be more befitting for this situation.

Wildrook was keeping true to his character and mentally relaying facts about African and European swallows and their airspeeds. His companion, Wandrex, was thinking about pain reliever for his sore back and arms. And when one stopped to consider his role, one would understand this thought.

Systema was thinking about which of his teammates best deserved a death threat. To his luck, he heard Doopliss muttering some plan of his that had to do with him stealing the sword for himself and put a sword to the ghost's neck. That shut him up nicely.

Angelic Soldier was wondering if that pharmacy store down the street was still open.

The Smiling Guide…well, let's just say that the light bulb over her head clicked on. She held up her index finger as she relayed the instructions. "Go two-hundred paces ahead, then turn right and keep going. That will lead you there in no time."

"That was easy." Bindi said, sort of let down because of how simple it was, but still glad that the team was one step closer.

"Unfortunately, you'll have to get past me if you want to continue." The guide said, smile unwavering.

"Ooh, whatcha gonna do?" Doopliss asked, "Grin us to death?"

"Don't judge me by my appearance." The woman warned, as though speaking to a preschooler, "I have power beyond your wildest dreams."

"What? Shinier teeth?" Lunatic asked.

"Uh…guys?" Kitten said, cautiously, "I don't think that's a good idea."

"A bigger STICK than the rest of us?" Rook said, joining in on the teasing.

"I have to agree with Kitten here." Bindi said to them, "Something's not right here."

"Oh, come on!" Lunatic said with mock-exasperation, "She's harmless. Watch."

With that, Lunatic walked right up to the Smiling Guide and gestured with his hand to "bring it on".

"Come on!" he dared, "Show me what ya got!"

"I don't think you want to say that." The guide said, shaking her head, smile still unwavering.

"OOH! I'm so SCARED." Lunatic mocked, "A smiling woman is going to KILL ME."

"LOON!" Angelic Soldier shouted, trying to get through.

"Oh, come on, guys! She's not gonna do anything. I could walk right past her. WATCH!" Lunatic said, then stepped off to the side and took a few steps forward. "See? She's not gonna do any…"

Suddenly, the Smiling Guide seized Lunatic by the arm in an iron grip, causing him to turn his head sharply.

The Smiling Guide was no longer smiling. Her teeth were bared like a snarling beast and her once-closed eyes were wide open and a fiery orange.

**_"YOU HAVE CHOSEN TO ENRAGE A BEING OF PURE EVIL!"_** she said in a deep, booming voice, **_"I SHALL CRACK OPEN YOUR BONES, FEAST ON YOUR MARROW, AND CURSE YOUR SOUL TO THE PITS OF HADES WHERE YOU SHALL SUFFER ETERNAL TORTURE AT THE HANDS OF SATAN AND ALL CAST OUT OF HEAVEN FOR ALL ETERNITY!"_**

What was Lunatic's response during this whole rant? Well, pretty much the response of one who has never seen the likes of this in his life…shriek like a preschool girl.

The Guide then flung Lunatic back at the rest of his team as though he was as light as a feather, and the black-cloaked loony landed, tumbling, behind his comrades. He quickly got to his feet and cowered behind Systema.

Everyone glanced at Lunatic, then at the guide in fright as she unleashed a wave of energy and a roar that echoed through the forest. When it ended, though…

The guide simply returned to her closed-eyed smile as though nothing happened. "NOW do you believe me?" She asked in a manner similar to that of an annoying babysitter who was deluded that the kids she looked after were four years old.

"Stupid chain letter." Lunatic grumbled, then turned to question the rest of his team, "Why didn't you guys try to talk me out of it?"

"You think we didn't?" Systema asked.

"Chain letter?" The guide asked, smile disappearing, but eyes remaining closed, "That's not what Jeff ordered…oh no…Y'know what? I think it'd be better if I just slaughtered you all right here, right now." On seeing the worried looks on all of Team A's faces, she added, "Trust me. What's to come will be far worse than what I have planned for you. I know what hunts you, so you'll have to be kind enough to let me slash open your carotids and fall, bleeding to your death."

After a very girlish-looking giggle, the Smiling Guide regained her demonic appearance and she raised her staff into the air. Instantly, a sphere of electric-blue energy formed in the center of the circlet that adorned the staff's upper end. And from that swiftly emerged smaller spheres of energy that flew out like a million fireworks.

Expected response happened throughout the group: scatter, scream, and run around in circles. The only exception was Angelic Soldier, who simply raised his massive, bronze shield and crouched down low. Any blasts of energy that hit the shield simply bounced off or failed to penetrate before fizzling out.

The Smiling Guide spotted McAwesome struggling to try and get his revolver off his belt (all the while trying to avoid getting zapped himself), then reached out her hand. The silver pistol flew from Cooly's belt, catching the hedgehog by surprise, and flew into her hand. She pointed it at Cooly and spoke one word.

**_"Dance."_**

BANG!

A bullet narrowly missed Cooly's foot and he jumped back in surprise.

BANG!

Cooly did the same as he did last time.

BANG!

On the third shot, Cooly decided "scrap this" and ran as fast as his legs could carry him.

After firing all her shots and missing (the hedgehog ran so fast that it was hard to trace him), the Smiling Guide threw the gun away, then performed a complex spin with her staff before thrusting it forward. In a flurry of a smoke-like substance, arrows formed and hovered in midair.

**_"Taste the volley of a thousand soldiers!"_**

With a sweeping motion of her staff, every arrow summoned flew forward like rockets. Angelic Soldier had nothing to worry about because of his massive shield and his helmet, but seeing as everyone else wasn't as fortunate, they had to take refuge behind trees or anyplace else the arrows would just lodge into.

Systema had no problem with the arrows. He would simply block them with his sword or do some complex martial arts move worthy of Street Fighter to avoid them. His moment of awesome-ness was brought to an abrupt halt when he landed, turned to run, and ran right into a tree branch.

One of those arrows actually planted itself into the pectoral of Wandrex. The Nobody cried out in pain as he clutched his wound, then fell on his back and remained motionless.

Wildrook heard the cry in pain, then turned and saw his unmoving friend and his eyes widened in shock.

"PATSY!"

While everyone was either trying to avoid getting arrows lodged in their flesh or getting blown to smithereens by blasts of energy, the Smiling Guide cackled like a witch as she watched her victims scatter.

Suddenly, a blinding flash and a loud "bang" went as soon as it came and she staggered back in surprise, muttering curses. Once she regained her senses, she looked around and saw that everyone was watching from cover in curiosity.

**_"WHO DID THAT?" _**she bellowed, searching the area and getting nothing.

She got a quick answer when someone grabbed her from behind, turned her around, then lifted her off the ground by the front of her kimono.

The members of Team A really couldn't believe what they were seeing now. It appeared to be a scaly-tailed Batman lifting a kimono-wearing girl off the ground and appeared ready to punch her lights out.

"Who are you?" the guide said, now more frightened than anything.

"I'm the GOSH-DARNED BATMAN!" the Batman-dressed figure growled back, then socked her full in the jaw, sending her to the ground.

**_"OH, SON OF A…" _**the guide growled, staggering to her feet and clutching the side of her face, **_"Oh, that's gonna BRUISE, you insensitive HACK! You haven't seen the last of MEEEEE!"_**

And in another blinding flash, the Smiling Guide vanished and all seemed to return to normal.

Everyone emerged from their hiding spots and Lunatic squinted at the figure dressed as Gotham's Dark Knight.

"Who are you?" Lunatic asked.

"I thought I said I was the…" the figure answered.

"No, I mean who you are under the costume." Lunatic said, catching on to the figure.

The figure lowered its cowl to reveal red hair similar to Lunatic's. "It's me Dezblade."

"Oh. I thought we were forgetting a few people." Lunatic said, thinking back to when everyone was revealing their costumes.

"Funny how you seem to do that with each of your schemes, isn't it?" Dez asked, irritably, as he raised his cowl.

"Patsy!"

Everyone turned at the sound of Wildrook's voice to see him crouching over his wounded friend.

"Oh, Patsy, you were such a brave steed." Rook wept, then said in a determined voice, "Trust me, dear friend, you will not have died in vain."

Wandrex tilted his head up slightly as he said, "I'm not dead."

Rook did a quick think-over, then covered, "Uh, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain."

"Actually, sir, I think I'll live." Wandrex said, checking the spot: not lethal.

"Uh, you shall not have been SERIOUSLY injured in vain!" Rook said, almost getting to his feet before Wandrex tried to get up.

"Actually, if you'd just remove the arrow, I might be able to…"

CLUNK!

Rook had knocked his Nobody companion on the head, leaving him unconscious on the ground. He rose to his feet, then said, with regret (true or a façade, I'll let you judge), "I'll have to carry on by foot."

"How'd she do all that?" Bindi asked. (Somewhere in the background, Systema was staggering around, clutching his forehead)

"Well, it could be possible that she was educated in either alchemy, black magic, necro-arts, or is a master of THX special effects." Doopliss said, thoughtfully.

"Magic. Got it." Bindi simplified.

"Oh, come ON!" Lunatic said, rolling his eyes, "Magic is about as real as good Harry Potter fanfiction."

"REALLY?" Dez asked, "Then how did she do all that?"

"Doesn't matter. Let's just get back on the road." Lunatic said, continuing forward.

With nothing really better to do, everyone else followed…after Cooly retrieved his revolver and set to reloading the handgun.

SWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSW

Remember Team B and how Xem had somehow lost the map? Well, someone stumbled across it: an average teenage girl chatting with someone (possibly a boyfriend or an ex) on her cell phone.

"Hey, didja hear about that zombie plague on Madagascar? That's messed up." She said, then looked down and spotted the map, "Hang on a second…"

The girl bent over to pick up the paper, but was blocked off by a black leather boot. Someone had stepped on it to prevent her taking it.

She looked up and was met with a young man in a red coat, sunglasses, and black-and-white hair. And the man had about as much manners as an alleyway punk.

"Where did you find that?" he demanded.

"Chill. I only found it here." The girl said, offended by what he had said, "Is it yours?"

The man remained silent as he leaned over and picked up the piece of paper, looking at it with an unreadable expression. He looked from it to the area around him, not bothering to answer.

"Hello? I said 'is it yours'." The girl said, trying to get an answer.

The man remained silent, as though he found his personal goals more important than the person in front of him.

"Well, if it's not yours, I guess I'll just keep it." The girl concluded.

She took the map in her hand and tried to take it from the young man. To her surprise, though, the man refused to let go of the map.

"Come on…" the girl egged. Upon getting some response on the other side of the phone, she retorted, "No, not you. It's just a Gackt wannabe."

"Who might that be?" the young man asked, tilting his head with slight curiosity.

"Um…just my fiancée." The girl answered, uneasily.

"And what will you do when you're finally wed?" the man asked.

"Just...be a happy couple and live a happy, peaceful life." She responded, eyes darting back and forth.

"Don't say that word." The man said, spitefully.

"What word?" the girl asked, now genuinely frightened.

The man seemed to evade the question as the question he asked really had nothing to do with what she had just talked about.

"Which do you prefer? Peace or discord?"

The girl paused, then gave an annoyed sigh as she asked, "Are you one of those anti-war protesters? I'll have you know my fiancée is a marine."

The man sighed, irritably, then slowly reached up and took off his sunglasses. His eyes were closed for the moment, but when he opened them…

KA-BOOM!

In an explosion of flame, the girl was gone as soon as his eyes met hers. Not a trace remained of her. Not even her phone had survived: all that remained was a pile of smoking ash.

It did the man good to think of the disorder he had just brought. The thought of the despair he would bring to her family and to her fiancée.

He had no time to dwell on the thought, for he turned and continued down the path. He had someone to visit: someone, he felt, had been down this road very recently.

_(A/N: Well, guys, there's another chapter down. And to tell the truth, I actually liked the design behind the Smiling Guide; the kind of woman who is deluded that everyone in the world is a four-year-old kid._

_I use that tactic all the time to tease people._

_Next time, Team B isn't quite out of the woods yet with the mystery man and the Swordsworn on their tails and clueless about the fact that they have no map to follow.)_


	8. Chapter 8

Xem suddenly halted Team B as they reached an obstacle on the path of their quest. The obstacle was a simple one: a fork in the road.

"The road is split." Xem explained, "The blade must wait while we try to navigate the right pathway."

After a prolonged silence (and a toe-tapping from Cartoonatic), Shadow-DJ translated, "He's gonna check the map."

Xem reached into a small pouch on his waist…nothing there. He checked his pants pockets only to come across similar results. He checked the inside of his cloak…nothing.

"Um…uh…it's difficult to explain this." Xem said, chuckling nervously as he checked for any place on his person that he might have missed.

"What is it?" DJ asked.

"Um…it's just that…"

"Did you lose the map like the 'clumsy oaf' you claimed not to be way back there?" DJ asked.

"Oh, I'm not saying that." Xem defended, then continued searching himself for the map.

"Well, what ARE you saying?" Cartoonatic asked.

After one last check of himself, Xem chuckled nervously and said, "Well, I'm saying it now."

Insert groans from every member of Team B as you please, readers.

"This epic quest is led by a guy who can't even hold onto his map?" Ray asked in his 'Cloud' voice.

"Permission to scowl, sir?" E350 asked Saire.

"Granted." Saire answered and both were soon scowling at Xem.

"Don't worry. I think I remember what we were supposed to do at this point." Xem assured the group.

"You couldn't remember last Friday!" DJ said in disbelief.

"Oh, shut up. I think it was: _If you reach left and right, but don't know which to sway, simply pluck a blade of green grass and order 'show me the way'._" Xem said, remembering it pretty clearly for someone not sure of it.

"Seriously?" Strait asked, "Pick a blade of grass and say what now?"

"Well, it's the best option we've got." Xem pointed out.

"Really?" Sarge Ray asked, clearly not believing what he was hearing, "You expect us to do that? You expect ME to bend over, pluck a blade of grass," Sarge Ray bent over, picked the tallest piece of grass he could find, then straightened back up, "stand here, and say 'show me the way'?"

An earsplitting roar echoed; one that could chill bone, shake the earth, and scare the living daylight out of even the bravest man out of both volume and suddenness.

"GEEZ!" Ray said, dropping the blade of grass in surprise.

Every member turned to look, curiously, at Ray, who looked like he had just seen a ghost.

"What?" NobodieZ asked.

"Y-You didn't HEAR that?" Ray asked, incredulously.

"See what?" Strait asked.

"You REALLY didn't hear that?" Ray asked.

"Was what you heard your own exclamation?" E350 answered.

"No." Ray said, then said, "I just bent over, picked a blade of grass," Ray repeated the process, picking the first blade of grass to touch his finger, "Then I stood here and said 'show me the way'."

The earth-shaking roar sounded once again, scaring Ray out of his wits yet again. And also for the second time, he dropped the blade of grass. Unlike last time, though, three words escaped his mouth…

"Mother of MERCY!"

Figuring that something was up, Mad Abe bent over and picked a blade of grass. "Alright, I'll give it a shot." He said, feeling a bit braver now.

"No way! I'm doing this one!" Dimentio said, grabbing Abe's hand and trying to break his grip.

"No way, Cross-dresser!" Abe said, fighting to keep his grip strong.

"Give it up, Pancho Villa!" Dimentio argued as he continued struggling against them.

Eventually, they decided that this wasn't worth it and both shouted "Show me the way!"

The roar sounded once again and both jumped in surprise as they witnessed what Ray had witnessed.

Their vision of what was in front of them had vanished, replaced by a fiery cave of sorts where a black dragon lay like a crouched tiger, its wings folded tightly to its side. The dragon actually chuckled, then spoke in a deep, growling voice.

"So, mortals, you seek to obtain the legendary Sword of Chaos?" the dragon questioned, raising its scaly brow.

"Y-y-yes." Dimentio and Abe answered, nervously.

"And I take it you need my guidance because you've hit an obstacle. Am I right?" the dragon enquired, gesturing with its clawed hand.

"YES." Dimentio said in a high-pitched voice. After clearing his throat, and getting an odd look from Mad Abe, he said in his own voice, "Um, yes, Mr. Dragon."

"I have a title, mortal. I am the Guardian of the Crossroad. Now, listen carefully to what I am about to say, for I shall not repeat myself." The dragon warned, "Now, if you want the sword, you must…"

The connection suddenly cut off and, upon looking at Dimentio, Mad Abe found that the prosecutor-dressed member of PI had dropped it by accident.

"Dimentio!" Abe scolded.

"SORRY!" Dimentio said, quickly picking another blade of grass.

Abe rolled his eyes, then gripped the grass with Dimentio and both shouted "Show me the way". The roar sounded once again, but this time, it didn't seem to scare the Filipino and Latino that much.

"DON'T DO THAT AGAIN!" the dragon scolded, pointing a threatening claw at them, "This grass already has half-rate reception!"

"Sorry." Abe and Dimentio apologized.

"Good. Now, you shall go,"

"Oh! Maybe I should write this down." Abe said, dropping the blade of grass and checking his pockets for some form of writing material.

Dimentio groaned in annoyance as he said, "JUST REMEMBER IT! That's what brains are for!"

"Oh, right." Abe said, then plucked another blade of grass. Dimentio took hold and both said, "SHOW ME THE WAY!"

The roar sounded again, but both countered with, "Heard it."

"THEN STOP DROPPING THE GRASS!" the dragon said, trying not to scream, "I'm a busy dragon and I haven't got all day!" After a second thought, he concluded, "Actually, I do, BUT I DON'T WANT TO SPEND IT ROARING AT YOU!"

"Sorry." Both apologized.

"Good. Now, this is the LAST time! I swear to all the gods in existence that this is the last straw!" the dragon warned, "Now, go to,"

There came a ringing from Abe's pocket that immediately earned his attention. "Oh, hold on…"

Abe released the grass, earning a facepalm from Dimentio, Team B, and probably the Guardian of the Crossroad.

"Hello? Oh, hey sis. Don't worry, I'm with friends on a quest for a magic sword…Yeah, it's exciting. No, this is REAL now. No, I won't bring home a souvenir. Okay, say 'hi' to mom for me. A'ight. Bye."

Abe flipped his phone closed, took in the looks of his fellow members of Planet Insania AND Dimentio (which all seemed to say 'get on with it'), chuckled, and said, "Sorry. Family. Shall we continue?"

"Oh, MAY WE?" Dimentio asked, sarcastically.

Abe plucked another piece of grass, let Dimentio grip it, and both shouted, "Show me the way!"

The roar sounded once again, but Dimentio asked, "Do you have to do that every time?"

"It's in my contract, so YES." The dragon growled, irritably, "Now STOP dropping the freakin' grass!"

"Wait, I have an idea." Dimentio said with a smile.

Both he and Abe sat down on a patch of grass, then began plucking it. With each new pick, the dragon seemed to produce a different roar from movies, video games, TV, and even the animal kingdom. After getting a good laugh (which was after about twelve plucks and roars), both decided that enough was enough.

"That was brilliant!" Abe said with a laugh.

"CUT IT OUT! I CAN'T ROAR ALL DAY, YOU INSIGNIFICANT COCKROACHES!" the dragon said, finally snapping, "I have seen mentally-challenged Cyclopes that were easier to work with! NOW, do you want to know the location of the sword or NOT? I am not merely limited to your subconscious mind, you know! Want to see?"

"No." Both said, fearfully, "Show us the way."

"GOOD. Now, go to the fork in the road, take the left path, and just leave me alone. GOT IT?" the dragon asked, impatiently.

"Yes, sir." Dimentio and Abe answered.

"GOOD! Now, NEVER talk to me again, you little morons, I have other blades of grass to attend to!" The dragon moved in a manner similar to changing lines, then unleashed a roar.

On the other side was an aging, female dragon with gray scales, a cigarette in her mouth, and a blade of tall grass in her claw.

"Are you taking care of my daughter like you promised?" the female dragon asked in a high-pitched, raspy, masculine voice.

"Oh, lord, in-laws…" the Guardian of the Crossroad groaned, then answered, "YES, I'm taking care of your daughter."

"You'd better. I don't want ANY grandkids before you both turn six-hundred." The female dragon pointed out.

"I told you that we're not little kids anymore and that we are perfectly free to start a family!" the guardian argued back.

"Well, guys, I figured it out." Abe said, dropping the blade of grass, "We take the path on the left."

No one on Team B responded with a verbal answer because all their eyes were focused on the path behind them. Slowly, Abe and Dimentio turned to meet a red-clad man with a katana on his belt, black and white hair, and sunglasses on his face.

The man was silent, still, and unwavering in his posture.

Ray leaned slightly towards DJ and asked, out of the corner of his mouth, "Who's that?"

"Looks like he's from a Square Enix reject scrapbook." DJ answered, not quite sure what to make of it.

The man finally moved, striding towards Team B. Hands cautiously gripped weapons, fists clenched, and eyes traced the man's every move.

NobodieZ, deciding to be the brave one this time, stepped forward to meet the oncoming man and cautiously asked, "Excuse me…brother of Genesis Rhapsados, can we help you with something?"

The man said nothing, but rather reached into his coat, as though ready to pull something out. Everyone tensed, expecting a weapon or magical item that could be used as such. But when the man swiftly moved his arm forward, it was revealed that he was holding a crumpled, torn piece of paper.

"You dropped this." The man said in a barely-audible whisper of a voice.

NobodieZ tentatively took the map from the man's hand, inspected it, and was met with a pleasant surprise.

It was the map.

"Huh. What a relief." NobodieZ said with a smile, "Thank you, sir." He turned to the team and suggested, "We should give him something as a 'thank you' for returning the map to us. What do you suggest?"

Remember the odd silence upon the man's first appearance to them? Well, they gave the same look because the man, this time, vanished without a trace.

Everyone looked around for any trace of the man, but on finding nothing, they shrugged it off and turned around to try and continue their epic quest.

All of them yelped in terror.

There before them stood the three cloaked figures known as the Swordsworn.

"We meet again." The middle, lead Swordsworn said with a wave.

"Ringwraith would-bes!" Saire exclaimed.

"Permission to run like French stereotypes, Xem?" E350 asked.

"GRANTED!" Xem shouted and everyone turned tail and did as E350 suggested.

The middle Swordsworn turned to the one bearing the axe and said, "Unleash the swarm of iron bees."

The female Swordsworn turned and asked, "You mean the machine gun?"

A pause, and then the lead Swordsworn answered, "Yes. That."

The axe-wielder handed her weapon over, then pressed the butt of a Thompson 1921 submachine gun to her shoulder. One pull of the trigger and a hail of bullets rained down upon Team B.

Not one hit them, probably because Team B was running around, frantically trying to avoid getting hit. But another reason existed: the Swordsworn were likely to be very terrible shots.

Strait had also run, but then turned and saw one of them using a gun. "Wait a minute!" he objected, "We can use guns even if it's not in our character? NO ONE TOLD ME THAT!"

With that Strait stepped forward, bullets racing past him in the process, then reached behind him and took out the unlikeliest weapon to keep in storage: an M-60 light machine gun.

"TASTE AMERICAN LEAD, MUCK-SUCKERS!" Strait shouted, then proceeded to hip-fire the machine gun at the Swordsworn.

Most of the bullets that Strait fired either ricocheted off the ground or embedded themselves in trees. Those that came close to some of the Swordsworn were deflected by their weapons or missed them entirely, but there was one saying Strait had when it came to light machine guns.

That line is "I'll hit ya sooner or later with a gun like THIS".

The suppressive fire from Strait's machine gun was driving the Swordsworn away with either near-misses or narrow blocks from blades.

After a mad laugh, Strait momentarily ceased fire and shouted at the cloaked figures, "RUSSIAN GUNS CAN'T COMPETE WITH THIS!" He then returned his rapid-fire and mad laughter.

As the Swordsworn retreated further back, the female member was continuing to try and open fire on the group.

"Oh, Axe, don't be a hero." The lead Swordsworn groaned as all three slithered into retreat.

Strait continued his frenzy fire until Saire came up to him. "Okay, come on, GI Joe." She said, dragging Strait behind her. This, however, didn't stop Strait from turning around unleashing five- to ten-round bursts of fire at the Swordsworn.

Finally, it seemed that Strait was convinced, for he turned and followed Saire to join the others.

On reaching the tired-from-running Team B, Saire bent over to try and catch her breath. Strait, on the other hand…

"WOO! That was freakin' AWESOME! I'm enjoyin' this costume more and more, I'll tell y'all that much!" Strait said, adrenaline still pumping.

After regaining his breath and mind, Mad Abe did a quick head count and found that something was wrong. "Where's Dimentio?"

THIS was a head-turner for each member of Team B. In all the chaos, they hadn't noticed.

SWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSW

Dimentio, in the panic of the Swordsworn attack, had taken to hiding in dense brush rather than running with the others. This was a sound plan, but one thing was wrong with it.

He had counted that at least one person would join him in the idea.

"Hello?" he called, "Anyone else care to hide with me? Anyone?"

A hand suddenly seized Dimentio's shoulder and spun him around. The owner of that hand was none other than the lead Swordsworn.

Dimentio's shriek was oddly expected for anyone in his situation. He held up his mug with some hope that it would defend him.

"The power of coffee!" he cried out, as though these words would grant him power.

The Swordsworn simply took the mug in his hand, drank it dry, tossed the mug over his shoulder, then seized Dimentio by the shoulders.

"Look into my eyes." The Swordsworn demanded in a slow and creepy voice.

"I can't see your eyes." Dimentio said, squinting to try and see them.

"Pretend you can." The Swordsworn covered.

"Oh, okay." Dimentio said, casually, as though being mugged and ordered around by a cloaked figure was an everyday thing for him.

"LOOK INTO THEM!"

Dimentio screamed before shuddering like he was in the middle of an arctic winter.

"You are now one of US." The Swordsworn said, hypnotically, then began to chant, "One of us, one of us, one of us…"

The other two Swordsworn appeared, one at each of the leader's sides, and began to chant the same thing.

Dimentio began to feel the effects of their hypnosis. His eyes drooped, his mouth fell slack, his head slouched forward, and the inner workings of his mind slowly turned to mush.

He was as good as theirs now.

_(A/N: WOO! Double update!_

_Next time, Team A finds an anvil-sized clue to the Sword of Chaos: Jeff Albertson himself! But will he be friend or foe to the team? Stay tuned…)_


	9. Chapter 9

The door of a house slowly creaked open as the blonde-wigged Insane Critic peeked in, checking to make sure no one was there. His head turned left, then right, then left again before he beckoned to people behind him. Mentioned people, Team A, tiptoed behind Lunatic into the house, eyes peeled for anyone inside.

The only two exceptions were Dezblade and Bindi, who were out in the front yard and engaged in conversation.

"So, lemme set this straight." Dez said, looking as though he couldn't believe what he was about to say, "I'm an anthro dragon dressing as a giant bat…and you're an anthro skunk dressed in a cat suit?"

"Yup." Bindi answered with a nod.

Dez put a palm to his forehead as he said, "ONLY in a fanfiction can you find something like this."

"Do I have to bring up that Batman and Catwoman had a thing?" Bindi asked, holding up a clawed index finger.

"I'M NOT LISTENING!" Dez said, putting his hands over his ears, "LALALALALALALALALALALALA!"

Kitten had obviously noticed the two's absence from the group, for she had gone back to look for them…and found them, obviously.

"Guys?" Kitten asked, trying to get their attention, "GUYS, we're pretty much breaking and entering, so c'mon!"

Dez, busy trying to not listen to what Bindi had to say, and Bindi, trying to get her point across to Dez, obviously didn't hear her. So, it was only natural that someone of a higher plane of existence was necessary to break it up.

(God from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail": GET ON WITH IT!)

THAT caught both of their attentions real quick. After quick and repeated apologies, whether it was to God OR to Kitten I'll let YOU decide, both followed the rest of Team A into the house.

(meanwhile…)

Lunatic slowly ascended up a staircase and called, "Hello? Anyone here?"

"Are you sure we should be doing this?" Doopliss asked, "Doesn't this count as breaking and entering?"

"Well, the map says 'Go down the Blue Ribbon, then use skill in theft and enter the structure that's the fifth on the left'." Lunatic read aloud, then reasoned, "This is Blue Ribbon Rd. and this is the fifth house on the left. Logically, this HAS to be the place."

"Dude, is this going to take long?" Cooly asked, pointing behind him, "I think Rook's starting to lose it."

Angelic Soldier was minding his own business until he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned and was met with Wildrook who held up the two coconuts that Wandrex had been using.

"Would you mind knocking these two together when we're traveling again?" he asked.

"I'm Leonidas, not a pack mule." Angelic Soldier snapped.

"But what will I be without a horse?" Rook asked in a sanity-questioning tone, "And I still fear the fate of Patsy."

Where was Wandrex since the time of his injury? Well, let's just say that his position was at Wildrook's crib, slouching on a recliner, watching TV, and eating salty snacks.

Lunatic had taken a look at Rook's desperate plea to Angelic Soldier, shrugged casually, then said, "He's fine. Let's try downstairs now."

"But we just got up-never mind." Systema said, then figured 'why bother' and went with Lunatic's plan.

Everyone had just made to go downstairs when they all halted with gasps in surprise. There at the doorway was everyone's LEAST favorite vampire novelist: Stephenie Meyer.

"Hey, guys." She greeted with a smile, "I found that perfect health PSA in my attic. It's called 'Self-Perfection: The Road to Despair'."

"How the heck does she keep finding us?" Steel asked.

Lunatic rolled his eyes, then went to confront the problem.

"According to the PSA, Cooly should believe that he is great even when others say he's not." Meyer looked at Cooly with a grin, "Small world, isn't it?"

"Yeah, I guess." Cooly said, nonchalantly. It seemed even the symbol of every wrong thing a fictional character can be was sick of Meyer already.

"Meyer," Lunatic said, taking Meyer by the shoulder, "Good job finding that." As Lunatic spoke, he did it through clenched teeth that he constantly tried to pass off as a toothy grin. "Good freakin', freakin', FREAKIN' job! I am SO PROUD OF YOU."

"Does that mean I can join your quest?" Meyer asked, hopefully.

"Well, who are you supposed to be dressed as?" Lunatic asked.

Meyer glanced down at herself, took in what she was wearing, then looked back at Lunatic. He noticed her eyes dart back and forth before she answered, "Bella?"

It was more than fitting that each and every member of Team A to roll their eyes in the "oh, puh-leeze" fashion.

"Dude, even I'M not that predictable." Cooly said, shaking his head.

"Um…almost." Lunatic said, trying to think up a plan and thought up quick, "I need you to go on one more, tiny, little mission for us."

"Oh, c'mon!" Meyer whined like a little girl, "You always send me to run these stupid errands. Your team doesn't want me because of my hit books, is THAT IT?"

"NO!" everyone defended, then came clean and admitted, "Yes."

"Meyer, that couldn't be further from the truth!" Lunatic said, gripping her shoulders harder.

"Well, what do you WANT me to do for you?" Meyer asked, pulling free from Lunatic's grip.

"Your next mission is…" Lunatic paused, having hit a dead end for the moment. Meyer stared at him in a way that seemed to say "go on", and Lunatic finally said, "Get me a coffee."

With that, Lunatic clapped her on the shoulder and left to try and find a basement, leaving her just staring in confusion. The rest of Team A was quick to follow suit and Meyer, now alone, slowly turned and walked away.

SWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSW

Lunatic peered in through the doorway, then held up a hand to halt his team. There, on a couch and watching TV, was an overweight, bearded man with glasses, a t-shirt emblazoned with the Thundercats symbol, and a bored expression on his face.

"Uh-oh. This place is occupied." Lunatic said, cautiously.

"Don't worry. I can handle this." Dez said, donning his Batman persona. He reached into a small compartment of his belt and pulled out a canister.

Dez pressed a button on the canister's top, then tossed it into the room. In an instant, it released a cloud of smoke.

The smoke bomb seemed to be defective, though, because the cloud cleared up in seconds. And the guy in the couch looked over to see Team A trying to tiptoe past him.

"You're here for that quest thing, right?" he asked, not at all perplexed at the sight of several people in costumes.

Everyone looked at each other, then at the guy as Systema answered, "Yes."

"Over there." The guy said, gesturing to a hallway just around the corner from him, then returned his sight to the TV.

"Uh…thank you." Lunatic said, and with that, the group simply walked for a door at the end of the hall.

"Stupid cheap smoke bombs." Dez grumbled, "I KNEW I should've gone for the better quality, but NO, I wanted to save money. Buy cheap, get cheap…"

The door was one to the laundry room, but Lunatic's eyes fell to something that was set atop the dryer. It was a book: one with a leather cover, a blood-red gemstone in its center, and appeared to be bound shut.

Lunatic picked up the book and was in the process of unbinding it and opening it when Bindi asked, "What is it?"

Doopliss peered over Lunatic's shoulder to inspect the book's readings and, after a quick analysis, concluded, "Seems like a spellbook of some kind."

Lunatic flipped through the pages and read aloud, "Fire spells, ice spells, lightning, tracking, gravity…"

"Wait, there's a bookmark there." Kitten said, gesturing to a piece of paper that subtly, but noticeably, stuck out of the book's top.

Lunatic flipped to where the bookmark was then noticed that the bookmark seemed to cover a segment of the book. He removed the bookmark and found some kind of incantation. He guessed that whoever put it there was trying to hide something.

"Blitznak-Tohru-Higsby-Wal-Mart…" Lunatic read aloud.

The minute Lunatic finished the last word, a blinding flash of golden light began to emanate from the open book, causing everyone's eyes to widen in surprise.

Energy began to snake from the book and gather in a spot just to Lunatic's left. More and more gathered as the energy began to create a high-pitched whine as it compressed into a physical form. With yet another flash of light, a person stood where the energy had gathered.

This person was FAT. He had yellow skin, four digits on each hand, a blue T-shirt that failed to hide the lower part of his massive girth and red shorts. A thin beard-mustache combo traced around his mouth and he had brown hair tied back in a ponytail. He also appeared to be dazed, probably from being trapped in a book for so long or just the act of summoning.

"Oh, I am SO glad to get out of there." The man said, "I've seen office cubicles more spacious than that book."

SWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSW

Miles away from the house, the man in the red coat was walking down a dirt path when suddenly, he froze in his tracks. A presence had just made itself known to him; one he had been sure was sealed away.

Hurriedly, he turned around and sprinted towards the source of the presence. He hoped with every atom of his being that what he feared had not happened.

SWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSW

"Wait a minute." Steel said, stepping forward, then asked the man, "Are you Jeff Albertson?"

"That IS my real name, but all my friends and acquaintances know me as 'Comic Book Guy'." The man replied in a straightforward and factual tone.

"Well, Comic Book Guy, what were you doing in that book?" Doopliss asked.

"Reading. I cannot imagine what else you would do in a book. I know now every spell from the killing curse to the shoe-tying charm." Comic Book Guy responded with snark, "Anyway, that was the Book of Disorder. A person with the oddest of hairstyles and a red coat sealed me in it."

"How long have you been in there?" Dez asked.

"That depends. What's this date?" Comic Book Guy asked.

"It's the middle of summer." Cooly responded, pulling at the collar of his coat, "The heatstroke speaks for itself."

"Then I would estimate about six months." Comic Book Guy concluded, "It was snowing when I was sealed in the book."

"Okay, that's not important. Who was this red-coated guy and why'd he seal you in the first place?" Lunatic asked, trying to get somewhere.

"He didn't give me his name. I, at first, thought he was some kind of comic/video game nerd because of some of the games I was playing seemed to interest him. Such games include Soul Calibur, Legend of Zelda, any game that involved finding a legendary blade." Comic Book Guy explained in his most epic voice, "He set a task upon me to find a sword that he claimed to be looking for, but upon further research, I found that this sword of ultimate power was very real and that I couldn't let him get it."

Comic Book Guy reached into his pocket and pulled out a single photograph before handing it to Lunatic. "This is him."

Lunatic took in the photo and, sure enough: a crazy hair color, a red coat, and a pair of sunglasses on his face. He took in the features of the guy very carefully; he wasn't sure why, though, but he felt he would need it later down the road of this journey.

"As soon as I found out just what he planned to do with the sword, I took all my research and fled Springfield. Using what I had researched, I found where the sword's location was. However, I knew that if he found it, all hell would break loose." Comic Book Guy continued, "He found out where I was and I thought I'd try a trick I saw in a movie and tried to seal him in a book. Unfortunately, I have no magic blood and he turned the tables on me, sealing ME in the book instead."

"I'm telling you all, I NEED A HORSE!" Rook said, desperately.

"SHUT UP!" everyone shouted at Rook, none of which were interested in being his "horse".

"Well, it was fortunate that I left the bookmark in the one place you read-aloud-type people would read aloud: the Reverse Incantation Spell." Comic Book Guy continued.

"What about the sword?" Lunatic asked.

"Well, I hid the sword again; in a place where red-coat wouldn't find it." Comic Book Guy answered, "I also made this map so that someone with a quote-unquote 'just' heart and 'righteous' spirit can claim it and overcome that man."

"Well, then why can't this guy find it?" Kitten asked; a very valid question, she thought.

"I believe this guy has no love of games. He seeks and craves destruction only." Comic Book Guy answered, "He thinks that he's above solving riddles, going on adventures, and pretending to be something he isn't, which he dubs 'child's play'."

"Oh, so we're children now?" Systema said with a roll of his eyes, "What new depths can we sink to than this?"

"The man seeks to destroy all that makes epic quests fun, a fun that deserves to be preserved. To make sure he wouldn't go through this 'child's play', I hired a few guys to serve as obstacles." Comic Book Guy said, proudly.

"Wait, you HIRED those guys?" Steel asked.

"Obviously." Comic Book Guy answered, then sarcastically added, "Because I am in SUCH fit condition to fight."

"Then why did he leave your prison book here?" Dezblade asked.

"He probably figured that no one would look for it. Not the smartest move he's ever made, is it?" Comic Book Guy retorted.

"So…who exactly is this guy?" Lunatic asked.

"Well, it's a long story and…wait, why do YOU want to know?" Comic Book Guy said, catching himself in time.

"Oh, we're Fanfiction Critics who seek the Sword of Chaos for vast riches and, if what you say is true, its awesome power." Lunatic answered.

"Fanfiction Critics? Oh, that's a REAL reliable person to entrust the Sword of Chaos to." Comic Book Guy said, sarcastically.

"From the guy who got even LESS exercise in that book if THAT IS EVEN POSSIBLE?" Steel asked with his own biting sarcasm.

"Ha! You're not one to talk, Kenshin would-be." Comic Book Guy snapped back, "I bet you know as much about swordplay as you do about modern politics."

As the two continued to bicker on and exchange remarks, Doopliss raised an eyebrow. "What the heck is this?"

"It appears to be a battle of sarcasm." Rook said, observantly.

"Wow. This is epic in its own way." Cooly said as he looked on.

The battle went on for almost three minutes, but it soon came to a surprisingly sudden end.

"The graduates of Chimpanzee university must be proud of you." Steel challenged.

"I bet they are because I have achieved the title 'King of Sarcasm'." Comic Book Guy said, proudly, "Not you. YOU are the King of Every Laughable Screw-Up and NOT Sarcasm."

Steel was at a loss for words. Eventually, he sniffled and said, "You didn't have to be so harsh." He then turned away and was met with a comforting pat on the back from Angelic Soldier.

"So, yes, I am sorry to say that you sickos are NOT pure of heart enough to claim the sword." Comic Book Guy said, in a very final tone, "I'm afraid you'll have to make like an Easter egg and die. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must choose the appropriate weapon to end your life with."

Jeff turned and began to rummage around in a case of some kind. All the while, he was muttering what he was pulling out.

"Phaser? No. Cowboys and Aliens wrist-blaster? Nah. Iron Man gauntlet? No. A-ha!" Comic Book Guy turned around to show that he had a sleek, silver pistol of sorts. He pulled the trigger once, but it didn't fire.

"Ugh. Pardon me, I have to make sure this thing is working." Comic Book Guy said, impatiently, "Safety's off, no jams…ah, no ammo."

After Comic Book Guy inserted a clip magazine into the pistol, he pointed it at them and fired a small beam of crimson energy. The blast singed Lunatic's blonde wig and right there, right then, they decided not to take their chances.

"RUN!"

All of Team A turned tail and hurried for the exit as fast as they could. It was fortunate that Comic Book Guy wasn't the best of shot, even though the blaster pistol he was using belonged to Jango Fett, one of the sharpest shots in the galaxy.

As Team A hurried for the door, blaster bolts scorching the room left-and-right, the house's inhabitant casually waved them good-bye, eyes never leaving the TV.

Lunatic was the last one to try and leave when he paused and remembered a very vital part of their quest.

"THE MAP!" he said, then turned to try and retrieve it when a blaster bolt narrowly missed his head. Deciding that his life was more valuable than a piece of paper, he growled, "Oh, scrap this!" And without another word, he made a mad dash for the door.

Comic Book Guy continued firing after them, even after they were out of his sights. And about that time, the gun jammed, earning a grouchy string of curses as he tried to un-jam it.

Elsewhere, Team A finally made it out the door, screaming their heads off (Systema excluded because he was above such fear).

Comic Book Guy made his way towards the door, but not before saying to the homeowner, "Thanks for letting me stay here for six months. I was trapped in a book."

"Whatever." The owner said, uninterested.

Comic Book Guy paused, looked at the guy, then rolled his eyes in disproval. "Worst response ever." And with that, he left the house, never to return.

_(A/N: Well, we have some juicy information as to who hunts both teams, but what about Team B and their recent...betrayer, shall we say? Well, stay tuned for more and you'll find out soon enough.)_


	10. Chapter 10

The three cloaked beings known as the Swordsworn strode down a dirt path, searching for the group that sought the Sword of Chaos simply known as Team B. They stood tall, their stance stiff and their strides wide, the weapons in their hand glinting in the sunlight.

"Hey, guys! Wait up!" came a voice far behind them.

All three Swordsworn froze, in a comically-annoyed way, then turned to meet their fourth, most recent, member.

Dimentio staggered around, now wearing a similar cloak and cowl. Judging from the way he stumbled around, he had his cowl on backwards and thus couldn't see a thing.

The axe-wielding Swordsworn turned to the leader and said, "Dude, this guy is RUINING our image."

"Ya THINK?" the leader said, then tried defending his action.

The Swordsworn with the halberd also leaned in and suggested, "Let's ditch this dodo."

"But anyone we bring to our side could be a valuable asset to us." The lead said, trying to find some reason to keep this new member

There came a "thud" and Dimentio cried out in pain. "OW! I think I twisted my ankle. Can you guys carry me?"

(A few moments later…)

If one could see under the heavily-shaded cowl of the halberd-using Swordsworn, one would probably find an expression of mixed emotions. Such emotions would include rage, irritation, exasperation, and cursing of his own stupidity.

Oh, and I almost forgot total embarrassment because of what he was doing. That thing was carrying Dimentio, bridal-style, because he claimed a twisted ankle.

Dimentio took a deep breath through his nose and out his mouth, obviously relaxed. "What a great day." He said, probably to himself and probably trying to start conversation with his new companions, "Have you ever experienced a day as fine as this one, Halberd?"

"OKAY!" Halberd said, just dropping Dimentio, hard on the ground, "I demand a group meeting!"

As the three Swordsworn gathered (in a huddle of all things), Dimentio got up, revealing that his twisted ankle either got better really fast or never existed.

"Hey, guys, what about me?" Dimentio asked, wanting to be part in this.

The lead separated himself from the huddle, pointed somewhere behind Dimentio with a finger, and said, "Look, a kitty cat."

"Where?" Dimentio said, eyes sparkling (though you couldn't see it under his cowl), and went off to try and find it, all the while using a traditional "here, kitty-kitty" call.

After a fit of quick and sharp whispering from the Swordsworn huddle, Halberd made a proposal, "Alright, first we get new cloaks and sharpening equipment. Part of my halberd's looking a bit blunt."

"Oh, fine…" the lead Swordsworn agreed with a slight sigh.

Dimentio continued looking around for this kitty cat that the other Swordsworn claimed to have spotted. This time, he was making fake claims of things cat like from string to a mouse and even catnip.

After reaching a form of agreement, the huddle dispersed and the lead Swordsworn called, "Hey! Dimentio! Come here."

Dimentio turned away from his cat-quest to face them, curiosity on his face. I will not put parentheses that tell you that you can't see it because it's pretty obvious from this point.

"We want to know what your favorite type of tree is." The leader called.

"That's a good question." Dimentio said, then thought it over and looked at someplace off-path, "Hmm…these trees are all good and green, but if I really had to choose, I'd say pine because they're green all year round."

As Dimentio went on about pine trees, all the while trying to find one somewhere, the rest of the Swordsworn slowly inched away. That inching went from walking, then the walking went to a full-out sprint.

"And I doubt I have to bring up Christmas trees." Dimentio said, turning to check on their opinion. To his shock, he saw that they were running as fast as their legs could carry them. Not wanting to be left alone again, he chased after them.

When he finally caught up, he found to his horror that the Swordsworn owned motorcycles and were currently revving them up. He made a spectacular leap, reaching out to grab one of them with an outstretched arm…

He fell flat on his face halfway through, earning a prolonged stare from the cloaked figures before they took off, motorcycle engines roaring.

"WE HAD BIKES?" Dimentio shrieked, looking up from his position, "Then why the heck were we walking THE WHOLE FREAKIN' TIME?"

Dimentio had just gotten back on his feet when there came a roar. Dimentio turned around and a blue-and-black-garbed figure leapt from nowhere and kicked him full in the chest, sending him backing into a tree.

It was Saire, who followed up by rushing Dimentio and pinning him against the tree with her forearm.

"Time to choose sides: friend or foe?" she said, her mask changing her voice to the traditional Sub-Zero voice.

The only result THIS achieved was senseless babble that one could only make out "don't kill me" or "leave me alone".

"Dimentio, it's okay." Abe said, coming up to him, "We're going to find a way to get you back to your normal self."

This only seemed to accomplish nothing. It may have even caused his spastic babbling to increase slightly.

"It's no good, Abe." Ray said, shaking his head, "Someone's tampered with his mind."

"It's like he's been hypnotized." Cartoonatic observed, then asked, "Is there any way we can reverse it?"

"Water on his head?" E350 suggested, "That's waken Lunatic up a few times."

"Doubtful." Xem said, shaking his head.

"I've got this." NobodieZ said, stepping forth.

"Don't tell me you'll try to turn into some hypnosis-based alien." Abe said, exasperatedly.

NobodieZ walked up to the delirious Dimentio, then raised his watch and started to move it back and forth.

"You are a Planet Insania member." He said, hypnotically, catching Dimentio's eye and falling silent, "You are a Planet Insania member…"

"I'm an important Insania member…" Dimentio said, hypnotized for real this time.

Everyone stared at him with deadpan expressions for a brief moment before NobodieZ continued.

"You're a Planet Insania member." He repeated for the third time.

After remaining silent for a few seconds, Dimentio shook his hooded head and tilted his head slightly. "Mad Abe? NobodieZ?" he asked.

"AWRIGHT!" Strait said with joy, "We got our soldier back!"

With that Dimentio took to the process of tearing the robe from his body and taking off his hood, blinking repeatedly. "What happened to me? And how'd I get here?"

"You were hypnotized." DJ explained, "Seems those Swordsworn guys have power over those without strong wills.

"And, Abe, you tried to help me?" Dimentio said, his Prosecutor Godot getup now fully in sight.

"Hey, we're Insania members." Abe said, clapping a hand on his shoulder, "You would've done the same for me, right?"

Dimentio's eyes darted back and forth behind his vizor before he answered, "Well, knowing that you would do that for me, yes."

"Well, what're we loafing around here for?" E350 asked, "We have an epic quest to return to!"

And with that, the newly-reunited Team B returned to its task: find the Sword of Chaos. But one question did come to Dimentio's mind…

"Hey, how close are we to finding the sword?" the Filipino asked.

"Almost done. There's only one spot left to go." Strait answered, earning a grin from Dimentio.

Finally, the quest they had embarked on was close to yielding a reward. And all members of Team B hoped it would be worth it in the end.

SWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSW

Remember that lazy homeowner that Team A encountered last chapter? Well, he was still doing what he did best: laze around and watch TV all day. His focus never left the screen, even when he heard the door of his house getting kicked open.

The man in the red coat stepped into the room, the room's temperature seeming to fall dramatically as his eyes fell on the homeowner.

Mentioned homeowner looked up, not at all perplexed at the sight before him, and said, "If you're here for the quest, it's back there." He pointed to the room down the hall.

The man in the red coat didn't seem interested in the quest that had been taken up by other visitors, for he asked in a quiet and sharp voice, "Where is Albertson?"

"Dunno. I think someone let him out of the book." The owner said, casually.

Concern and anger seemed to spread through the red-coated man's mind, for he turned away and said, with venom in his voice, "So, he's loose…"

"Yeah, whatever. I'm going to go get some pork rinds for Futurama." The owner said, finally getting up off his couch, "Want some?"

The homeowner tried to go to his kitchen, which happened to be somewhere past the man in the red coat. Mentioned man suddenly seized the owner by the arm and turned to face him.

"Look at yourself: wasted away to practically nothing." The red-coated man hissed, "You sit here at home all day watching other people, some even nonexistent, accomplish greater things than you ever could or make even bigger fools of themselves than you could, if that's possible. You are what I despise most: a human being."

"Dude, I just asked if you wanted pork rinds." The owner said, unfazed by what the man had just said.

"Which do you prefer?" the red-coated man asked, "Chaos or order?"

The owner remained quiet for a moment, then shrugged, "Order, really."

The owner suddenly froze and looked down. The red-coated man had unsheathed the katana on his belt and run him through with it. Already, blood had dyed its steel length crimson and was beginning to seep out onto the carpet.

"Dude…that was my liver." The owner said, casual as usual.

The red-coated man pulled his sword out in a swift manner and had sheathed it when the homeowner slumped to the ground, dead as a doornail.

The red-coated man suddenly convulsed and clutched at his heart, teeth clenched in agony. Something had come over him and was filling his body to the point of overflowing with unimaginable pain. He stumbled into a bathroom and leaned on the sink until his condition stabilized.

He glanced up at the mirror and noticed that the white of his hair was suddenly becoming more prominent and threatening to replace what black remained. Curiosity overcoming him, he removed his sunglasses to check his eyes.

His eyes were colored like fire: a mixture of red, orange, and yellow that ended with his pupil. It ultimately looked like a black hole in the middle of a supernova. However, the fiery color was slowly fading away and flickering to a pale green. In the past, it was not a big problem, but now, it was becoming more and more noticeable.

"Right." The man said, slipping his sunglasses back on, "I guess I'll have to conserve my power until I really need it." He made for the door, stepping on the homeowner's corpse and said, almost as though he hadn't stabbed him in the gut, "Don't bother getting up."

SWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSW

Team A continued down a path, though whether it would lead to the Sword of Chaos, nobody really knew. Lunatic led the way, looking absolutely dismal because of his recent losing of the map.

"NOW what do we do?" Systema asked, crossly.

"I dunno." Lunatic answered, holding up a cell phone, "I tried calling for help, but for some reason it doesn't work."

"Maybe someone bugged your phone somewhere down the road?" Bindi suggested.

"Bindi, we're not in a comic book." Lunatic pointed out, "As much as I would like to believe that, I find it just hard to."

"Perhaps there was some sort of magic involved to try and interfere with you." Doopliss said in, maybe, a too evil voice.

"That was even more ridiculous, Doop." Lunatic grumbled, "And quit your plan to steal the sword. It's already old and we all know about it."

"D'OH!"

"You know, Loon, if there's no one else to call, you can try counting on us." Tohokari-Steel said, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Okay! ENOUGH ALREADY!" Lunatic said, jerking free of Steel's touch and turning to face the team, "This whole cosplay adventure was a complete waste of time! I don't even want to find the freakin' sword anymore! It wasn't worth this whole thing!"

"But what if the guy in the coat finds it?" Cooly asked.

"Yeah, from what we've been told, everyone's a goner if he gets it." Dez agreed.

"Whatever! How do we even know that Comic Book Guy wasn't jerking our chains?" Lunatic asked, "How do we know that he didn't get some guy to dress like that? Lord knows how he could do what he did!"

"MAGIC!" everyone stated.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm starting to believe now. I don't even know WHAT I was thinking back when this whole thing started! It's a fanfic for crying out loud!" Lunatic said, frustration rising by the second, "In fact, now that I'm getting into character, I'm starting to grow sick of fanfiction! I mean, WHY do people rate Sora below me! I mean, SORA'S the main character, isn't he? I WOULDN'T EXIST WITHOUT HIM! It's JESSE MCCARTNEY, ISN'T IT?"

Sensing a rant, every member of Team A sighed and got comfortable. THIS would take a while…

"As a matter of fact, WHY do people put me in the most ridiculous pairings in the entire KH franchise! I only talked with Kairi ONCE! And why can't those fangirls ever think of me and Axel as close friends! Friendship doesn't always mean yaoi pairings, dangit! It means FREAKIN' FRIENDSHIP!

"HOLY CRUD! I need to take my rage out on something! If I ever find that guy who sent the chain letter, I will tear off his…" Lunatic froze in place as a thought suddenly occurred to him. Slowly, he took the photograph out of his coat pocket and as his eyes fell on the photo's subject, he came to a shocking realization, "It was him."

THIS earned a few interested looks from Team A, all members interested in what Lunatic had concluded.

"The man in the red coat sent that chain letter." Lunatic said, "He didn't want to do this whole quest, so he sent the chain letter to someone so they could go after it. Someone who was adventurous…"

"And greedy." Kitten added.

"Someone who was ingenious…"

"And greedy." Steel egged.

"And someone clever enough to solve it all."

"Y'know, you really ARE kinda greedy." Cooly pointed out.

"Well, if it's all true, why would he follow us?" Kitten asked.

"What about the spellbook?" Systema suggested, then put a hand to his chin in thought, "If there are offensive spells, maybe there are those dedicated to tracking something, like the map."

"But we don't have the map anymore." Lunatic said, scratching the back of his head, then froze as realization hit him, "Team B does…he's using THAT to help track down the sword!"

"Then we have to get there before they do!" Doopliss said, just as worried as Lunatic was at the moment.

"Exactly! Rook, say something to inspire us!" Lunatic ordered.

"I STILL NEED A HORSE!"

"Perfect." Lunatic said, ignoring the comment, "C'mon, everyone, there's a sword to find! This isn't a game anymore, I can tell you that much!"

Lunatic turned to lead the way when he backed away as he spotted something ahead.

There was a figure ahead, wearing a brown cloak and hood that concealed his face.

"None shall pass." The figure said in a hoarse, rattling voice.

"Oh, get out of the way, pal. We don't have time for you." Lunatic ordered, impatiently.

"You seek something: a weapon of incredible power." The figure stated.

"We'd get it a lot FASTER if you weren't in our way!" Doopliss pointed out.

"But a great evil also hunts what you hunt." The figure added.

"Yeah, that's kinda why we need to get going." Angelic Soldier said, hoping to get somewhere.

"This evil will not halt for anything. Sleep, sustenance, obstacles, none of them will stop him because he seeks the blade." The figure said, ominously.

"I'll handle this, Loon." Steel said, unsheathing his reverse blade, "I haven't seen any action all day!"

"Your destiny awaits you." The figure said, fingering a katana on his belt.

Steel's teeth were gritted as he approached the hooded figure. He readied his reverse blade and said, "Eat Japanese steel, you audacious speed-bump!"

Steel was about to swing his sword in a vertical chop when the figure held up a hand and caught Steel by the forearm in mid-swing. The figure tilted its head in curiosity, then lowered its hood to reveal a young Asian man with spiked, black hair.

"Steel?" he asked, then looked at Lunatic, "Insane Critic?"

Lunatic and Steel stared in awe as they asked, "Sovereign64?"

Smiles spread across both faces as the two swordsmen recognized each other. "HEY!" Steel said, shaking Sovereign64's hand, "How ya doin', buddy? Where ya been this whole time?"

"Oh, y'know. Around town and whatnot." Sovereign64 answered, "Unfortunately, I'm an obstacle in your path."

"Who's that?" Bindi asked.

"Oh, it's a guy who also does reviews who Steel did work with." Kitten answered, "He's been away for a while."

"How do you do that with your voice?" Steel asked, still smiling in disbelief.

"Just something I learned while I was away." Sovereign64 answered, using the tone he used earlier.

"By the by, we're on this epic quest while searching for the Sword of Chaos. Do you know where to find it?" Lunatic asked, stepping forward.

"Of COURSE I do. I'm an obstacle in order to reach it." Sovereign64 answered, "Unfortunately, if you want to reach it, you must defeat me in mortal combat."

"What?" Steel asked as Sovereign held up his katana.

"Just tap my sword." Sovereign ordered, holding it in a horizontal defend.

Steel raised his reverse blade and lightly tapped it. It probably was about as damaging as a butterfly landing on it.

"Okay. You beat me, let's get going." Sovereign said, walking off with both Lunatic and Steel.

With shrugs and grins at this sudden convenience, Team A walked off.

"By the by, who is this guy in the red coat?" Lunatic asked.

"I believe that's Cooly." Sovereign said, gesturing behind him with his thumb.

"No, he means the dude who's trying to obtain its awesome power and, like, take over the world." Cooly corrected.

"Oh, him? Well, let me tell you." Sovereign64 said, and due to recent budget-cuts (and an insane amount of laziness), I have to end the chapter right here. Hope you enjoyed.


	11. Chapter 11

Team B stepped out of a nearby brush and came to a stop to catch their breath. DJ looked ahead and heaved a sigh in relief.

"Well," he said, pointing at a house that lay just ahead of them, "This is the last place on the map."

"Well, how do we get in?" Cartoonatic asked. Last she checked, if a group of costumed people came up to a door, speaking about some quest for a blade of power, odds are that that person would slam the door in their faces.

"I'll handle this." Strait said, heading for the house and the rest of the group following, curious as to what his method of approach would be.

The doorbell rang and the door opened to reveal a young woman with long, black hair, red eyes, and small (but noticeable) fangs; possibly a vampire or half-vampire. Her clothes were mostly a combination of red and black, and she had a cross-shaped pendant around her neck.

Her response at the sight of these costumed people was pretty much what one would expect: raised brow and a slight tilt to her head in confusion.

Strait saluted, then said, "Greetings. I am Captain America: Cold War veteran."

"World War II." E350 corrected.

"The Cold War wasn't even a flat-out battle!" DJ added.

SLAM!

The door swung closed right in their faces.

"I think you went overboard there, Strait." Cartoonatic pointed out.

"Stand aside. I'll handle this." Ray said, shoving Strait aside and ringing the doorbell again.

When the woman, tentatively, opened the door again, Ray could have sworn he had seen this person before. And, from the look on the woman's face, she seemed to be thinking the same thing.

"Ray?" she asked.

"Sakkee?" he asked.

Smiles spread fast as the two emitted happy laughs and met with a hug. "How ya doin', buddy?" Sakkee asked with the glee of a schoolgirl.

"Oh, the usual: hanging around, doing crazy stuff with my friends, the whole kit-and-kaboodle." Ray answered.

"So, what're you doing here? And what's with the costumes?" Sakkee asked, giving the rest of Team B a weird look.

"Yeah, about that," Ray said, then lied, "We recently joined the 'Movement for Intelligent Airings' and we were wondering about a donation. With your help, we can prevent shows like the Napoleon Dynamite cartoon from EVER seeing the light of day."

"Oh, well that's okay." Sakkee said with a nod in understanding, "That's something NO human being should witness. Come on in."

She made way for Team B as they went into the house in single file.

"Y'know, it's funny. I just thought you were a bunch of cosplayers without jobs or a life." Sakkee said with a chuckle.

"Yeah, everyone says that." Ray stated.

Once the door closed, Sakkee looked at the group and asked, "Are those handcuffs?"

(a few moments later…)

Sakkee sat, looking very uncomfortable. Her hands were cuffed behind her, and through the back support of a wooden chair at that.

Just in front of her was Team B looking over the map.

"The map says," Dimentio read aloud, "We need to search underground to find the Herald of Order, who will lead us to the Sword of Chaos."

"Well, what're we waiting for?" Xem said, taking a pickaxe from his robe, "DIG!"

Everyone raised whatever weapon they had, ready to smash and pry up the floorboards. That is…until Sakkee spoke up.

"You know, there IS a basement in this house." She said, gesturing with her head a stairway just down the hall.

Needless to say, it sure made the quest a bit more convenient.

Team B ventured down into the basement and, upon reaching the bottom, had become a kind of line. Why? Well, because Xemnas1992, who had been the lead of the group at the time, had found a peculiar sight.

There, right in front of them was none other than TLSoulDude: the silver hedgehog in a bathrobe, a bubble pipe, and a book in his hand. In fact, the whole basement seemed to be furnished well with carpet, bookshelves packed with all kinds of good reading, overhead lamps and a comfy-looking chair (which TL sat in).

The hedgehog looked up from his book, took notice of them, then said, "Oh, hello there. Didn't see you come in."

"What're YOU doing here?" DJ asked.

"That's a VERY good question." The hedgehog pointed out, "And the answer is that I have to film my show somewhere. Wouldn't you agree?"

"But what are you doing in Sakkee's house of all things?" Ray asked.

"I think the REAL question is what is SHE doing in MY house?" TL answered, still having the same cocky smile.

"Look, we don't have TIME for this!" Xem said, impatiently, "Do you know of any Herald of Order?"

"Certainly." TL answered, then pointed with his bubble pipe to a door just in the corner, "It's in the laundry room."

Team B, again, shrugged at the convenience, then went into the laundry room. With hope, this being would give them some adequate advice and NOT hinder their quest.

"Something tells me that the Herald of Order is in there." Xem said, pointing forward. In the line of his point was a small box and a note that read "ethereal being not in box".

"Well, it's not in there." E350 said with a shrug and tried to walk away only for Ray to seize him by the collar, thus halting his movement.

Cartoonatic went over, picked up the box, and turned it over to take in its appearance. "Fascinating." She said, her eyes going wide in curiosity, "This box isn't really that ancient, but still pretty well-crafted."

"But the map says that the Herald of Order has been around for eons." Dimentio said, holding up the map.

"Well, here we go." Cartoonatic said, nervously, then slowly popped the box open.

Out of the wooden container appeared a sphere of blue light that hovered in the air like some kind of giant firefly. Up it hovered (this is where some kind of mystical choir starts vocalizing) until it almost touched the ceiling.

Every member of Team B had their eyes glued to the orb of light, in complete awe of something they hadn't seen before.

Then the orb of light spoke…in the most unlikely voice one would expect.

"Yeah, yeah, whaddya want?" The voice was oddly high-pitched and sounded impatient and irritated.

THIS was a bit of a shock for the members of Team B, who looked at each other as though asking "are you hearing this?", then Xem nervously asked, "Are you the Herald of Order that was spoken of in the map?"

"Yeah." The voice answered, rudely, "And what if I am?"

"You don't SOUND very orderly." Ray pointed out.

"Oh? And you sound like you need a lozenge!" the Herald snapped.

"WATCH IT, pal!" Saire said in her Sub-Zero voice.

"Oh yeah? Wel,l you like to beat people up and you like to beat 'em dead." The Herald said, then concluded, "Guess that makes you a DEADBEAT! HA-HA-HA!"

Saire sniffled, then said, "I have feelings, too…"

"So, what do you cosplaying freaks want? I have better things to do than take in your awful-as-crap costumes." The herald said, wanting to get this conversation over with FAST.

"You ain't a very nice for a herald of another realm." Strait pointed out, stepping forward in defense of his comrades.

"Oh yeah?" the herald asked, "Guess what?"

"What?" Strait asked, taking up a challenge.

"Scrap you."

"Scrap YOU!" Strait retorted.

"SCRAP YOU!"

"SCRAP YOU!"

"GUYS!" DJ said, sick of the childish bickering, "Will you quit getting carried away and just get back on track?" On receiving silence, DJ did just what he was going for. "Listen…Herald? We don't want to waste your time."

"You're a good bit too late for that." The herald pointed out.

"Look, we just want to know about the Sword of Chaos. That's all." DJ said, getting to the point very quickly.

"Oh." The voice said, calming down rather suddenly, "THAT I know a good deal about."

"How much do you know?" DJ asked, cautiously. The last thing he wanted was to be on the wrong end of this herald's temper.

"Everything." The voice said, going dead-serious.

In a flash of blue light, the team found themselves in a strange, almost empty world. As soon as an otherworldly palace appeared before their eyes, the herald's story began.

SWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSW

_Long ago, back when our world was still young, there lived two immortal entities in an existence similar to this one: a demigod named "Chaos" and a half-goddess named "Harmony"._

The castle faded away and in its place appeared a young man with black hair and ornate, red robes, along with a young woman with back-length, pearly-white hair and garbed in robes seeming to be made of pure gold.

(Sarge Ray: Oh, THOSE are real creative names.)

_Shut up._

The man and the woman stood on a high balcony, looking over a grand kingdom. The also stood, hand-in-hand like a newlywed couple.

_Anyway, these two entities were the king and queen of this alternate existence. They were closer than siblings, more intimate than lovers. In fact, they completed each other in both personality and in their respective ruling preference. Harmony focused on keeping her people organized and civil while Chaos focused on keeping them active and loyal._

_Both did very well with their methods of leadership and were greatly skilled in the arts of magic, alchemy, and combat. And in terms of power, they were practically even._

The man and woman now stood in an open field: the man wielding a katana-like sword and the woman using a wide, circular, golden shield. Both appeared to be sparring with playful smiles on their faces.

_However, as time went on, Chaos seemed to want more than he already had. He was the king of this world, but that didn't seem to be enough for him: he wanted to be king of all the realms._

The man stood alone in a room, staring at himself in a mirror, almost angrily. His eyes had gone from a soft green to a fiery mix of orange, red, and yellow.

_Calling the royal council together, he proposed that they go to other worlds to form alliances and make new trade with the other lands._

The man sat at the end of a long table, the woman sitting next to him as he made the proposition. The woman did NOT look to pleased; if anything, she was showing concern on the border of fear.

_But Harmony did not like the words that were coming from her dear friend and, in secret, she convinced the council to deny his proposition._

The woman was talking to the council, her face showing distress, and the council seemed to nod as she made her point.

_Secrets, though, have a nasty way of getting out. No one quite knows how it happened, but Chaos found out about what had been done. Something happened to him that day: something snapped._

Chaos' eyes burned like the fires of Hell as his hands clenched into a fist. He turned, then threw a strange powder into a blazing fire. Mentioned fire turned from orange to purple and a skeletal hand slowly emerged from it, turning out to be a living-dead soldier with rusted armor and glowing, green eyes.

_Feeling betrayed by the one being closest to him, Chaos utilized a spell that could access the Netherworld and summoned up some of the vilest, fiercest, and most terrifying creatures in existence. Chaos had decided that, if all in the kingdom would deny him his believed right, then all in the kingdom would die._

The man stood atop the head of a mighty dragon as the army of creatures marched forward

_His conquest would wait. Right now, he wanted revenge, and he marched for his kingdom in conquest._

_Harmony responded to his attack quickly and strategically, launching a defense in time to prevent defeat. She led her army against the forces of Chaos and, at the doorstep of the kingdom, they fought for control of the kingdom and for the fate of the worlds._

Chaos stood across from Harmony, the half-goddess dressed in armor to rival Brunnhilde or Athena and her eyes were cold and focused. As their soldiers fought around them, both clashed as Chaos' sword met Harmony's shield.

_The battle waged on for days because both these beings knew each other inside and out. They knew how they would swing, how they would move, and how they would think. They couldn't deceive each other, nor could they outflank the other. This was a battle of determination, of strength, of skill and of focus. The one thing they had in common, though, was that they both had everything to lose._

_The earth shook with each blow they exchanged, lightning parted from their defenses, and any soldier who tried to take them down was killed instantly._

A monster tried to approach Harmony, ready to cleave her in two with an axe, but ran right into her shield and was met with a sharp punch that sent it flying back like a rocket. The force actually eradicated anyone that happened to be in its trajectory. Needless to say, the monster would die no matter what solid object it hit.

At the same time, an armored soldier rushed Chaos despite Harmony reaching out and shouting something along the lines of "no" at him. He swung his sword at Chaos at the same time the demigod swung his own blade. Chaos' sword cleaved right through the soldier's blade…and his armor. And the soldier fell to the ground in pieces. And Chaos' swing was so powerful that it created a red wave of energy that cleaved the soldiers in two.

_The fight continued on, bloody, dirty, and full of absolute discord. Chaos found that he loved it this way and relished every minute of it while Harmony fought with a heavy heart but an iron will, determined to end the battle so peace could reign again. They fought until each and every last one of their soldiers lay dead on the ground except for them._

_For a while, none had a distinct edge, but finally, Harmony emerged victorious, albeit with a wounded spirit and a heavy heart._

The woman stood, weakly, over Chaos, who was flat out on his back and glowering up at her with pure spite. However, tears stained her face and mixed with the blood of both monster and the soldiers that the man had personally slain.

_But Harmony couldn't bring herself to kill her partner, so she did a few things instead. First, she cursed him: he couldn't use magic or kill needlessly without degenerating himself. The more he used his power, the faster he would decay._

Harmony closed her eyes, serenely, as she extended a hand and a stream of light bluish-green energy flowed towards Chaos. The spiteful look only distorted with pain, making him even more monstrous than before.

_Second, she opened a portal to another realm, your realm, it seems, and banished him there. There, he would be alone and be no threat to the kingdom that she would rule alone._

The man fell backward into a portal of pure energy, screaming vengeance upon someone who used to be closest to him.

_Chaos, it seemed, had saw through this plan, for he had sealed a fraction of his power into his sword: the Sword of Chaos._

The katana-like sword of Chaos glowed the color of a ruby, pulsating with magic energy of the same color.

_However, Harmony was cleverer than Chaos had previously thought. She had sensed the energy in his blade half a second too late, but acted quickly._

_First, she separated the man from his weapon and hid the sword so that it wouldn't give Chaos power back while he decayed in the body of a mortal._

As the man fell onto the hard ground, he checked his belt and roared in rage when he realized that it was no longer there.

_And second was that, should he find it, there would be one thing in the world that could beat him: the Shield of Harmony._

Out in a deep forest, a golden shield lay, dormant, on the ground and was laced with a bluish glow. It laid dormant for many years…until someone seemed to come across it.

_Chaos was doomed to suffer in this world. He learned of what Harmony had done to his magic and yet, when he didn't use it, he would just watch the world age around him while he would live. Thus, he vowed that he would scour the world in search of his sword, take the world by storm, and find a way back to his home and exact his revenge._

The man, now with streaks of white in his hair and sunglasses perched on his face, traveled down a lone road, an expressionless mask now adorning his face and a katana on his belt: a crude replica of the one he once owned.

_As for Harmony's fate after the epic war? I don't know…and, frankly, I'd rather not find out._

SWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSW

Every member of Team B looked on in total awe of the story, and the white illusory world faded around them, returning them to the dank and dimly-lit laundry room.

"So, wait, if Chaos is now in a mortal body, how long has he lived?" Ray asked.

"Because of Chaos' former immortality, his body is still very resistant to age." The Herald of Order explained, "However, that's only managed to slow his degradation. Using his power only accelerates it and causes him pain."

"Wait a minute." Xem said, stepping forward, "If Harmony sensed the sword's power, why didn't SHE remove it?"

"Don't rightly know." The herald said, returning to his original rude state, "Maybe it took too much from her to do it again, maybe it was a mistake, but she just didn't do it."

"Hey, we're looking for Chaos' sword." E350 said, holding up his index finger, "Can you lead us to it?"

"Tch. NO!" the voice responded, "I wouldn't tell you that if my ethereal existence depended on it!"

"Why not?" Dimentio asked, trying to sort things out.

"Because if people like YOU found that sword, you'd do God-Knows-What with it. That's the last thing we need." The herald answered, bluntly.

"Actually, after a story like THAT, I think we want to keep it safe." NobodieZ said, quickly, hoping to change the herald's mind.

"Not changing my mind here." The voice said, his will steadfast, "You are SO going to screw it up and you will do it BIG TIME."

"Hey, listen here, ya yellow-bellied, sapsucking ball-lightning!" Strait said, stepping forward.

"HEY! My MOTHER was ball lightning!" The herald seethed through invisible teeth and said, "Y'know what? Scrap you all. I'm OUT OF HERE!"

The ball of blue light then zipped out of the room as quick as a flash (which he was), then raced past TLSoulDude.

"Ta-ta. Nice having you." The hedgehog called after it.

Team B hurried out the room, tracing the Herald of Order's path, and sighed in defeat.

"Now what do we do?" Xem asked, heavy-heartedly.

"And why was that…thing in that box?" Ray asked.

"Those are VERY good questions." TL pointed out, then answered, "For the light, I put him in there. But the better question is 'why did he agree to it?', and as for what you do next…" He held up a piece of paper, "THIS could be helpful: it's a note that tells the exact location of the Sword of Chaos."

Shocked at the utter convenience of it, Xem asked, "Can we have it?"

"Sure." TL answered, then held it out for them to take, "Here you go."

"Th-that's it?" Dimentio asked, surprised that TL would just hand it over, scot-free. How was he sure this wasn't an obstacle?

"Well, of course it is. Why wouldn't it be?" TL asked.

"It's just…" Abe said, only to be caught up by Cartoonatic.

"We were expecting something a little more."

"Like what?" TL asked, obviously not buying it.

"Well…haven't you watched an epic movie?" Ray asked.

"Oh-ho-ho, I have. What a terrible movie THAT was." TL said with a chuckle, "Someone should give that movie a throat just so it can be strangled."

"I…It's just that we…" Saire said, trying to find the right path to lead TL on.

"What?" TL asked, "What is it you want me to do?"

"N-nothing." Saire answered, shaking her head.

"That's what I thought." TL said, then held out the note, "Take it."

Xem did so and studied the contents of the piece of paper. A few members peeked over his shoulder to take a look, themselves. In seconds, all their eyes were wide. The response will go like this, as follows, and with the respective members.

(Xem: Oh, you've…)

(Bindi: Got to be…)

(DJ: FREAKIN'…)

(Lunatic: KIDDING ME!)

All the way with Team A, they stood...right back in Lunatic's yard, where the whole quest first began.

"IT'S RIGHT BACK WHERE WE STARTED?" Lunatic shrieked in fury.

"Well, that was Jeff's idea." Sovereign64 explained, "For you see, only the pure of heart..."

"SHUT UP!" Lunatic ordered.

Kitten looked down and saw a mess of blonde hair laying on the ground. She picked it up to reveal Lunatic's wig, but the blonde spikes were drooping and the base of the wig was full of holes.

"What happened?" Kitten asked.

Steel took the wig from her, inspected it, and sighed with slight sorrow. "Lunatic's hair choked the poor thing to death."

With that loss out of the way, Team A went forward to, hopefully, retrieve the Sword of Chaos at long last.

SWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSW

Team B sighed in disbelief. They had been pulled into what Sarge Ray had predicted before the quest even began: a wild goose chase.

"I can't believe I missed my weekend for THIS." Ray said in disbelief.

"I need a beer." Strait groaned, massaging his temples.

"Onward, everyone!" Xem said, dramatically, "The tempered steel of discord is in danger of falling..."

"SHUT UP!" everyone shouted, and Xem did that, quickly.

"Alright, we need to find the sword before this Chaos guy does." Mad Abe said, hurriedly. He almost left when E350 grabbed his sleeve and held him back.

"Aren't we forgetting something?" he asked, then pointed up.

(Later...)

"Sorry about that, Kee." Ray said as he unlocked the handcuffs, "It was strictly business. So, if anyone asks you about us, just tell them that some guy just broke in, forgot what he was doing and simply left."

Sakkee just gave Ray a "yeah, just keep talking" look, her now-free arms folding in front of her chest.

Ray thought a moment, thinking that that was a pretty bad lie to begin with, and quickly covered, "Yeah, this was all a bad dream."

With that saying, Strait popped up in front of her, clamped a soaked cloth to her face, and she slowly collapsed to the ground.

"Good thing, chloroform." Ray said, then clapped Strait on the shoulder and said, "Let's roll."

And with that, they both raced out the door. Team A and the Sword of Chaos was waiting, and they didn't have a moment to lose.

_Next time, the Sword of Chaos has been found, but it won't go anywhere without a fight...or without MANY fights._

_Stay tuned, readers._


	12. Chapter 12

Well, one could imagine the disappointment, frustration, and utter feeling of being suckered that Team A (and Team B, who was miles away at the time) was going through. They had traveled vast distances only to wind up back where they started.

It felt like a total waste of energy to MORE than a few people.

Sovereign64 led the way to the center of Lunatic's yard, then pointed over in a ditch where a black drainage pipe lay.

"The sword should be in there." Sovereign said, "In the Drainage Pipe of Darkness."

"Alright, everyone, be on guard." Lunatic advised, then turned and shouted, "And will someone do SOMETHING about Wildrook?"

"I REALLY insist that I need a horse!" Rook said, almost manically, as he held up two coconuts.

Systema quickly solved the problem by taking both coconuts, one in each hand, and smashing both of them in his grip. THAT shut Rook up really quickly because he learned that, should you upset a member of the Russian Special Forces, you would die a painful death.

Lunatic went over to the drainage pipe and got down on his hands and knees to be level with the pipe. He reached into the dark depths and began to feel around for something resembling a sword.

A few tense seconds passed as each member of Team A looked on with wide eyes. Some members thought that this seemed a bit too easy…

Lunatic suddenly unleashed a scream in pain that caused every member (except Systema) to scream and either jump or rush to help Lunatic in any way they could.

One could imagine their displeasure when they went over and Lunatic turned to face them with a smile on his face and a laugh escaping his lungs.

"Sorry. Couldn't resist." Lunatic said after a good laugh.

CRACK!

Bindi had stepped back and whipped Lunatic right on the behind, earning a sharp yelp from the Insane Critic. She coiled the whip to secure it on her waist, all the while showing every hint of satisfaction.

"I deserved that." Lunatic admitted, massaging the place, and then he continued to feel around in the drain's deep, dark depths.

After blindly feeling around in the drain, he felt something: something long and hard…almost like the hilt of a sword. The thing was lodged deep, though, but Lunatic had a method to solve the problem. He wiggled it back and forth, eventually shaking it loose.

Lunatic pulled his arm out and stood, triumphantly with an "I GOT IT!"

Everyone smiled as he stood, but then their joyous expression turned into confusion as they saw what Lunatic held.

It was a sword…sort of. It was arguably the shrimpiest sword they had ever seen. It looked Japanese, curved slightly, and had a scabbard with a very ornate mix of red, green, and black, but the whole thing was just over a foot long. It was, to any nerd who knew of swords, a tanto or a dagger.

Lunatic looked at the sword in confusion, but in doing so, he didn't look at his friends. Their expressions had gone from confusion to surprise as an overweight man dressed in the garb of a knight rose behind him.

Lunatic turned in time to see the guy raise a broadsword, scream, and duck under a horizontal swing. The guy holding the sword was such an amateur swordfighter that his whole body spun around as a result of missing.

The fat man regained his composure and groaned. "This should NOT be that hard, especially for someone in my condition."

Lunatic squinted in curiosity. The build and voice of this guy sounded familiar. Swiftly, he went over to this "knight" and lifted his visor. It was none other than the guy who basically started this whole thing.

"Comic Book Guy?" Lunatic asked.

"That's my nickname. Don't wear it out." The revealed comic nerd stated, "By the by, I've seen a ton of your reviews and you are…adequate."

"Great. Are we cool now?" Lunatic asked, nervously.

"Hardly. I still have to kill you." Comic Book Guy answered, raising his sword.

"Thought so." Lunatic said, eyes wide in fear.

Comic Book Guy brought his sword down only to be met with Wildrook's own blade.

"Leave…him…alone." Rook said in a slow, dangerous-sounding voice.

"Rook's back!" Bindi said, excitedly.

"I guess he realized that true friends are those who share human traits and NOT some important steed." Steel said with a proud voice.

"Oh, come ON!" Rook said, turning to them, his sword unwavering, "I was only playing off my character! Sheesh, you take this too seriously."

"Great. Can you knock him out now?" Lunatic asked, "He WAS trying to kill me, after all."

"Thought you'd never ask." Rook answered, then took his sword and hit Comic Book Guy on the head with the pommel.

Everyone moved in to crowd around Lunatic, who was unsheathing the blade, as though hoping it would unleash a power once unsheathed. Well, that would PROBABLY happen in things such as movies, comics, and the fields of literature…but it didn't happen here. The blade was sleek, shiny, and sharp, but it was still short.

While Lunatic inspected the blade, Rook currently had Comic Book Guy in a hold that the poor guy couldn't break out of. Doing something along those lines would require energy and strength: qualities he lacked severely.

Comic Book Guy took notice of Sovereign64 and asked, "Wait a minute. Weren't you one of the obstacles I hired?"

"Yeah, but the REAL guy took a vacation to Tijuana. He hired me as a temp." Sovereign64 answered.

"Well, thanks for betraying me. THAT will keep the sword safe." Comic Book Guy said, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, go back to comics. You're outta your league here." Sovereign said in a tone that suggested he really wanted nothing more than for Jeff Albertson to shut up.

"Also, is this sword supposed to be that small?" Doopliss asked.

"Yes. It was meant to deceive you. If you found this, you wouldn't realize its awesome power." Comic Book Guy answered, "I would guess that was Harmony's doing so that no one would pick it up."

"Well, until we find the secret of this thing, we have to hide it again." Lunatic said, sheathing the blade and beginning to walk off.

"NO! THE DRAINAGE PIPE WAS PERFECT!" Comic Book Guy said, struggling in Rook's grip.

"Oh, lose weight, fatso." Lunatic said, turning to walk away.

Then, by some miracle, Comic Book Guy broke free of Wildrook's grip and rushed over to Lunatic, grabbing the sword and trying to wrench it from his grasp. However, do to his lack of physical fitness, even the smaller and lighter Lunatic could keep his grip on it. And, upon dislodging the nerd, Comic Book Guy stumbled back and pointed at him.

"I guess I'll have to take it by FORCE, then!" the man known as Jeff said, angrily.

"Oh yeah?" Dez asked, "You and what army?"

A car suddenly passed by them and right on the other side of the road were a lineup of six beings: the Herald of Order, the Smiling Guide, Snake, and the three Swordsworn.

"GEEZ!" Lunatic said on seeing them.

"My goons are going to rip you all to shreds!" Comic Book Guy said, proudly.

"No way." Sovereign said, shaking his head, "There's eleven of us and only seven of you, counting yourself. You're outnumbered and outclassed."

The Smiling Guide emitted a very girlish giggle, then raised her staff and green energy gathered behind them. When the light cleared, there came a rising number of groans and moans as a small army of zombies appeared behind them.

"How about the army of the living dead, then?" Comic Book Guy asked.

"It HAD to be zombies?" Lunatic asked, his distaste for them showing.

"Oh no! I've seen this in the movies!" Doopliss said, fearfully, "If they bite us, we'll become one of them! And if we DON'T live, they'll rip out our entrails and leave what's left of us for the buzzards! And if we LIVE, we'll be mindless servants to the virus and encompass the globe to try and make the entire human race into gut-munching, walking, decaying corpses!"

"That's DISGUSTING." The Herald of Order said and, if he had a corporeal form, he would have stuck his tongue out.

"We just want the sword back." The Swordsworn said in response to it.

A few of the zombies roared and tried to go across the street…only for the first few to get plowed over by a car. THIS caused the line to halt.

"As soon as traffic allows." Comic Book Guy corrected.

"Wait, YOU had something to do with the zombie plague in Madagascar?" Kitten asked.

"Maybe I did, and maybe I didn't." Comic Book Guy answered.

Lunatic summoned his twin Keyblades, looked them over, then said, "Oh, scrap this!" In a flash of light, the twin keys vanished. Fire flared into being soon after and, in place of the Keyblades, were Lunatic's traditional star-like chakrams.

"The name's AXEL!" he shouted, maniacally, "GOT IT MEMORIZED?"

Lunatic turned to face the members of Team A and was about to speak when Angelic Soldier went up to him, also turned to face the authors and spoke in a loud, bark-like voice.

"AUTHORS! PREPARE FOR GLORY!"

Lunatic started in surprise as Angelic Soldier, for the first time in a long time, began to actually act in-character.

Angelic Soldier paced in front of the group, a fierce gleam in his eyes from under his helmet. And with that same warrior zeal, he continued his glorious speech.

"A new goal has come to us. A goal of FREEDOM! Freedom from a tyrannical rule! Freedom for a Kingdom that we never heard of until today!" Angelic Soldier said, almost on the verge of shouting, "And ALL will know that…" Angelic Soldier paused, briefly, to count heads (including his own), "Eleven fanfic authors gave their last BREATH to defend it!" He turned, planted the butt of his spear on the ground and shouted, "AUTHORS! TONIGHT…WE DINE…IN HELL! FORM A LINE!"

Every member of Team A formed a horizontal line of defense with Lunatic in the middle and Angelic Soldier just to his left. Angelic Soldier looked to each side as he continued his motivational speech.

"THIS is where we hold them!" he shouted, baring each and every one of his teeth, "THIS IS WHERE WE FIGHT! THIS IS WHERE THEY DIE!"

The traffic cleared up and the undead army as well as the Guardians (and Albertson himself) began to charge towards the team. Everyone drew their weapons as they closed in.

"To kill the zombies, take out the brain or lop off its head." Steel said in a tense, low voice, all the while gripping the handle of his reverse-blade, "That's the only way to do it."

"Gotcha." Systema said, then passed the word on.

"GIVE THEM A VOLLEY!" Lunatic ordered as the army closed in.

"Gotcha!" Cooly said, then whipped out his revolver and fired. Strangely enough, all six shots took out a zombie's brain.

When the gun clicked empty and Cooly had to reload, Dezblade took a few Batarangs from his utility belt and chucked them at the crowd of undead. While he saw many hit them, only one lodged itself in between the eyes, downing it in an instant. The zombies that he hadn't hit there just continued to charge after the group.

Right there and then, he remembered something he had seen on TV. Shuriken (which Batarangs essentially are if you think about it) were primarily injuring weapons. Zombies didn't feel pain and the only way to kill one is to either take off its head or damage its brain. He cursed himself for not realizing this sooner, but put up his dukes and readied himself for anything.

"GIVE THEM NOTHING!" Angelic Soldier roared, the enemy drawing ever closer, "BUT TAKE FROM THEM…EVERYTHING!"

When the two groups met, it was complete and utter chaos. Some members clashed steel with the Swordsworn while others focused entirely on the zombie army.

Angelic Soldier rushed forward, spear in hand, and jammed the spearhead into a zombie's neck, severing the spinal chord. He pulled back the spear, then met a second zombie with his massive, bronze shield and hitting with the force of an oncoming car. Result being that the zombie was sent tumbling away as Angelic Soldier thrust his spear into another zombie. This time, he just left the spear in the zombie's neck and drew his sword, cleaving through the zombie's face in the arc of his draw.

Cooly's strategy was to basically run around in the horde of zombies, screaming his head off and shooting at any opportune moment to try and nail them in the head. Even when he missed, he was moving around so much that the zombies just couldn't keep up with him.

Wildrook clashed blades with a zombie that, surprisingly, brought a sword with it. It was also apparent that the zombie wasn't too skilled because Wildrook blocked only his third strike before beheading the zombie.

"Victory!" Rook shouted.

"Tis but a scratch." The zombie head said with a surprisingly-British accent, earning Rook's attention.

"A SCRATCH?" Rook asked, "Your head's off!"

"No, it isn't." the zombie head said, casually.

"Well, what's THAT?" Rook asked, pointing his sword at the headless body.

The zombie head turned (how, I'll leave up to you), looked at his former body and said, "I've had worse."

"You LIE!" Rook accused.

"C'mon, you pansy!" the zombie challenged. Rook's response was to simply kick the head into the battlefield and continue with the hoard. When the head stopped, he looked around, then said, "Alright, we'll call it a draw."

Doopliss was rushing through the zombie horde, fists glowing with dark magic. With those fists, he was knocking the blocks off zombies left-and-right. However, one thing happened when he acted purely on instinct. He saw a zombie coming at him from behind and suddenly thrust his fist forward…right into its midsection. Realizing this error, he quickly pulled out and proceeded to punch its face in.

Then he saw what he did to his sheets by punching clean through the zombie. "Oh! EW!" he said in disgust, trying to shake the zombie…gunk, I suppose, off his hand.

Bindi, with all the grace of an acrobat, leaped through the horde of zombies, all the while taking them out in two ways. One was her claws: a single swipe to the head with the metal talons on her fingers was enough to take one out. The second was her whip: she would trip them up, catch one on the face, or just knock them down and go for the knockout-punch…er, I mean "slash".

Then, suddenly, the green snake she had tricked near the beginning of the quest collided with her, sending her to the ground. She landed on her back and suddenly raised a hand to grab Snake around the throat. It wasn't the prettiest thing to look at: a snake hissing and spitting like mad all the while trying to sink his fangs into her and its green coils thrashing like mad.

"Why?" Bindi asked, as though talking to God himself, "WHY did it have to be a snake?"

The Herald of Order zipped through the battle like a firefly on caffeine and would slam into the faces of various members of Team A, knocking them back as though they had been slugged by a pro boxer. All the while, the little ball of blue light would cackle like a madman.

Dezblade had a small group of zombies going after him, but he was doing a very good job at repelling them with his fists, forearms, and feet, as was typical of the Batman fighting style.

He was really getting into it when, all of a sudden, the fight music of the old Adam West TV show began playing. He slugged a zombie across the face…

(POW!)

He kicked one in the gut…

(WHAM!)

He grabbed two zombies by their heads and smashed them together with a loud "crunch".

(EVIL DEAD!)

"OH, SHUT UP!" Dez shouted to…someone, I'm sure, "I'm more dignified than that!"

(SORRY!)

The Smiling Guide opened her eyes once again, revealing the fiery, evil orbs beneath. With a roar, she raised her staff into the air and lightning began to rain down on the battlefield. While it DID eliminate more than a few zombies, she didn't care. It looked cool and epic.

The Guide was suddenly met face-to-face with Kitten, then grinned a demonic grin, "Oh, what'll you do to me, sister? SWEEP UP AFTER ME?"

Kitten's response was to spin her broom in a complex, kung-fu style before taking a battle pose, an outstretched hand facing her adversary. You know that stereotypical kung-fu noise people use in movies? She made that exact same "hoo-waaa" noise.

The Guide took her staff, ceasing the raining lightning, and swung it at Kitten only for her to block with the push-broom. Needless to say, a quarterstaff duel quickly broke out between the two.

Sovereign64 was locked in a duel of steel against Comic Book Guy…and he was very unimpressed because of the fatso's lack of form, speed, strength, and color. Every strike was the same: a downward chop. A simple raise of his katana was enough to block him.

The fact that this was a cartoon character loved by many kept Sovereign from just gutting him there and then.

Systema was doing well in a duel against one of the Swordsworn. In fact, he had the axe-wielder on the ropes. That was until the Herald of Order came right into his blind spot and struck him in the jaw. A bunt from the axe's opposite end proceeded to topple the Russian.

Systema rolled backward to avoid a chop from the axe and cursed in Russian before removing his vision-obstructing mask. NOW, he had free-vision.

He tapped into a communicator very quickly, then set to clashing steel with his adversary while the call made itself. A voice suddenly rang in a communicator set in his ear.

_"Solid Snake here."_

"Snake, I hate to admit it, but I am in need of your help." Systema said in his best Gray Fox impression, "We will have to put our differences aside…just this once."

_"Wait, who is this? How'd you get this number?"_

Systema paused, not knowing what brought him to make this call, then promptly hung up. He would kick himself for that error later.

The Herald of Order cackled again as he watched some hapless Insania Member stumble from one of his collisions, but was suddenly met with Doopliss.

"Peek-a-boo!" Doopliss said, spreading his arms, "Let's see you survive THIS!"

Doopliss slammed his hands together and actually caught the Herald in between them. He cackled in victory…and then his clasped hands rose up and smacked him like he had stepped on the wrong end of a rake. Then it happened again, putting him in a bit of a daze. His hands then struck him in the gut, then across the face, and then in the place where the sun didn't shine.

Doopliss slumped to the ground and the Herald of Order flew off to try and find some other suckers.

Steel and Lunatic were currently engaging with the sword- and halberd-bearing Swordsworn. Lunatic actually caught the halberd-bearer in a headlock before kneeing him in the gut and rolling him to the ground.

Steel's eyes tensed as he clenched the hilt of his reverse-blade. Same could be said for his adversary. Only Steel spoke after a long, tense silence.

"I would say the name of the move I'm about to perform, but considering that it's a Rurouni Kenshin move, I'll save you that." Steel said, then moved so swiftly that his slash only appeared as a flash of light.

A second later, the Swordsworn had staggered backward, clutching his shoulder.

Steel looked around him, seeing the zombies that were still at large, and sheathed his blade with a groan. "Oh, scrap this. I have the Axis Power weapons here!"

Steel then, God only knows how, pulled his Luger pistol and a Benelli shotgun almost from nowhere and began to put lead into whatever zombie was unfortunate enough to be too close.

Lunatic spun his twin chakrams around so that they seemed to be buzz-saws. After just a split-second of this, they had turned into wheels of fire. Lunatic glanced at a group of zombies, then shouted, "BURN, BABY! BURN!"

After that saying, Lunatic hurled his chakrams at the zombies. The walking corpses burst into flame and, even though zombies shouldn't feel pain, they started screaming and running around while trying to put the fire out. The act itself earned a deadpan expression from Lunatic because Steel seemed to be wrong about his anti-zombie method.

Comic Book Guy seemed to have changed targets, for he pointed his sword at Lunatic, the tip just touching the Insane Critic's neck.

"You should have stayed in your house and surfed the web." Comic Book Guy said, "If you had, you wouldn't have screwed up my hiding place!"

"Oh, and become like YOU, tubby?" Lunatic asked.

"Weight jokes are lame and you're about to die now." Comic Book Guy said, readying his sword for a thrust.

Suddenly, a roar of thunder startled all the adversaries into looking behind them. There, on a nearby hilltop, stood Xemnas1992 in all his Undead Warlock glory.

"As you hip, young people would say, 'CALL IN THE CAVALRY'!" Xem roared, "No more shall the Critic of Insanity stand alone!"

"Yeah." Strait said with a malicious grin, then asked, "Shall we give 'em a good ol' American beat-down?"

"I thought you'd never ask." Xem said, then pointed forward and shouted, "CHAAAARGE!"

Team B, in the classic, epic style, charged down the hill with a battle cry, all brandishing whatever weapon they had on hand at the time.

The Swordsworn and the zombie army turned to face them, then charged back at them, roaring and brandishing weapons at them.

NobodieZ stepped forward, then fiddled with his Omnitrix before pushing it down. A green flash of light shone, brighter than any light the watch had previously produced. The sheer brightness of it caused the Swordsworn and the zombie army to shield their eyes, thus making them vulnerable to an attack.

The two teams collided and it was obvious that the zombies were going to go down and go down fast. Sarge Ray, who used to have trouble wielding his Buster Sword, was now swinging the massive blade around like it was weightless and cleaving through up to five zombies at a time.

"Huh." The ex-SOLDIER said, lifting the sword up and down, "Guess I'm used to its weight now." A split-second later, he returned to his mass-slaughtering of the living dead.

Mad Abe and Dimentio tapped the halberd-wielding Swordsworn on the shoulder. As soon as the cloaked figure turned around, both Insania Members pulled back a fist and punched the guy together, grounding him.

Dimentio turned to see Bindi struggling with the snake, looked at his coffee mug, shrugged, and tossed the ceramic cup over his shoulder. He then placed both hands on the sides of his vizor and a beam shot from it in a manner eerily similar to that of a certain too-trashed-on member of the X-Men.

The beam shot the snake full in the middle of his body and he rocketed out of Bindi's grasp. Eyes wide with surprise, she got up and asked, "How'd you DO that?"

Dimentio opened his mouth to answer, but found that he had none to give and continued blasting away at zombies and other adversaries.

DJ caught up to the Herald of Order and clasped him between his hands.

"HEY! LEMME GO, YA BLACK-SKINNED FREAK!" the voice shrieked as it tried to jerk free.

"Oh, racist, eh?" DJ asked, then looked over at Ray, "Hey, Ray, batter up!"

Ray heard DJ call him, then took his Buster Sword in a classic slugger position. DJ hurled the Herald of Order like a fastball and Ray swung as hard as he could, hitting the orb of light with the flat sight of his blade. It did both of them good to hear the light orb screaming like a girl as it flew off into the sky.

Lt. Strait whipped out his M-60 and shouted, "Say 'hello' to my LITTLE FRIEND!" And with just a twitch of his finger, he began to unleash a barrage of bullets on the zombie horde as well as scare the living daylight out of a few members of the enemy team.

E350 zipped over to Strait, then tapped him on the shoulder. "Permission to have a machine gun, Strait?" he suggested.

Strait pulled a Tommy Gun, seemingly from nowhere, and handed it to E350. "Granted."

Now that both were happy, they opened fire on the enemy with maniacal laughter.

The being known as Snake hissed at the sight of Xem, who started in surprise, then came to a conclusion. "Wait, it's just a snake!"

Snake flew at Xem, its fangs bared, ready to sink them into his throat and watch him bleed to death. However, it hadn't counted on Xem simply raising a hand and an emerald flame engulfing it. When the flames cleared, all that was left was a floating skeleton.

"Dude…" Snake said, weakly, before his whole skeleton crumbled to the ground.

"Sucker." Xem said with all the satisfaction he could muster.

Kitten was still in her quarterstaff battle with the Smiling Guide when the cavalry known as Saire rushed the guide and planted a fist in her face. The guide staggered back and Kitten used this to her advantage as she slammed the shaft of the broom into the Smiling Guide's midsection. As the guide doubled over in pain, Kitten swung her broom again, striking her in the back and knocking her to the ground.

This resulted in a high-five between the two.

Sovereign64 held up his katana to block Comic Book Guy for the umpteenth time; the fatso just wouldn't give up on this poor tactic. However, the comic nerd didn't see Cartoonatic sneaking up on him until he felt a swift kick to the pants. As he turned to see the cat-captain, Sovereign64 raised his katana and hit him in the noggin with the hilt of his sword, sending him staggering forward.

"Chump." both Sovereign and Cartoonatic said.

Lunatic stood back from the battle to see the zombie army dwindling and the enemy team now much fewer in number and going down fast. He raised the short blade into the air and shouted, "VICTORY FOR INSANIA!"

As the Insane Critic watched, something curious happened. Everyone in the battle slowly ground to a halt and turned to set their eyes on something behind Lunatic. An aura had filled the air: one of evil. He had felt it and had the feeling that everyone else had felt it, too.

Really wondering if it would be worth it, Lunatic slowly turned around to see what everyone else had seen.

He really wished that he hadn't. Right across the street was a crimson-coated figure, complete with sunglasses and an odd hairstyle. It was a lot whiter than the picture that Comic Book Guy had given them, but he recognized the face anywhere.

It was Chaos.

"Finally." Chaos said to himself, almost cracking a smile, "It's right in front of me."

_(A/N: Well, members of PI. This is it: the Final Battle._

_By the way, I had to put in the zombie army because of some of the devastating weapons that the team brought with them: guns, huge swords, spears, and the like._

_Stay tuned for the epic conclusion of this.)_


	13. Chapter 13

Chaos continued to stare at the group across the street and Lunatic could only stare back at him. He then turned to Xem, whose eyes dared not meet his own.

Lunatic went over to him and asked, with all his best effort put into not screaming, "You didn't happen to bring the map with you, right?"

"Um…" Xem said, but realized that he couldn't avoid the truth, "We kinda needed it to find our way back."

Lunatic's immediate response was to slug the tiger in the gut and shout, "HE WAS TRACKING YOU WITH THAT!"

Chaos finally moved, striding across the street at his own pace. A blaring horn failed to scare him and, when the oncoming truck that it came from was about to hit him, he just unsheathed the katana on his belt and, with one swing, the truck was cleaved clean in two and just kept rolling down the road before exploding in a blossom of flame and gas.

"Hoo boy, this is gonna hurt." Rook said, worriedly.

The Swordsworn got up and spotted the coated man before the lead one pointed a finger at him. "It's Chaos! KILL HIM!"

The Halberd- and Axe-bearing Swordsworn raised their weapons and charged him, the remaining zombies not too far behind. The Halberd-bearer was the first to strike, but hit only air as Chaos leaped over his thrust and put the sole of his boot into the cloaked being's face. The axe-wielder was next in line and brought her axe down…on the ground. Chaos then ran up the length of the axe, grabbed the cloaked being by her head, and jumped to the ground, planting her head into the ground with an audible "thud".

Then he saw the army of zombies, raised a hand into the air when all of them were close enough. A crimson circle encompassed the zombies, trapping them in some kind of force field. One snap of his fingers later and a crimson energy engulfed the undead beings. When the light energy cleared, nothing remained of the zombies but ash.

Comic Book Guy staggered forward, still a little shaky from the battle. Then he laid his eyes on Chaos and jumped in fear.

"Oh! It's, uh, it's YOU." He said, frightfully, "No hard feelings…right?"

Chaos merely thrust his fist forward and caught Comic Book Guy in the gut, sending him racing forward like a rocket, screaming all the way.

The lead Swordsworn drew his sword in an attempt to be brave, but when Chaos moved towards the entire group, the Swordsworn looked back and forth, then thought over what had happened to the zombie horde as well as his fellow Swordsworn.

He threw his sword on the ground, then took off his hood to reveal the all-too-familiar face of Gokiburi Prince.

"Oh, scrap this! I'm OUTTA HERE!" he said before turning tail and running as fast as his legs would carry him.

Lunatic stared after the guy and asked, "Was that Gokiburi Prince? Isn't he part of the team?"

"I'll update Leaning on the Fourth Wall soon, I PROMISE!" he called behind him, then continued running.

The Smiling Guide slowly staggered back to her feet, then squinted at the red-coated man who still strode towards the team. "Hey, I know you…"

ZAP!

In a burst of lightning, the woman was incinerated in an instant.

Lunatic scowled, then stormed forward to meet him. "Okay, listen up, Gackt would-be. You may be tough, but we're all tough in our own way, too." Lunatic warned, "And I just want to say that there's no freakin' way that you'll get your slimy hands on this!" To add to his statement, Lunatic held up the short blade…big mistake.

Chaos held out his hand and the short sword flew out of Lunatic's grasp, earning a wide-eyed look in surprise from the Insane Critic.

Chaos caught the sword, but was about to unsheathe it when Lunatic moved forward again. "Okay, you'll regret THAT one." Lunatic said, preparing his chakrams for an attack, "EAT STEEL, YOU…"

What he was, Lunatic didn't find out because Chaos extended a hand and Lunatic's chakram flickered out of existence. With an upward flick of Chaos' wrist, Lunatic's fist raced up and socked him full in the face.

Finding some form of amusement in this, Chaos did it again, and again…and again…and again, each one earning a cringe from the PI members. After about the twelfth time, Lunatic was wobbling back and forth, his face swollen and bruised from the numerous beatings. Finally, he succumbed to the pain and toppled to the ground.

Chaos looked at the small blade, unsheathed it, then looked it over. He smirked as he said, "Oh, Harmony, you thought you could hide this blade from me?"

"Well, what are you going to do? It's only two feet long!" NobodieZ asked.

Chaos held the blade so that the tip pointed up, then quickly chanted, "Order is dead, now discord will reign. Show your true form: my enemies' true bane."

The short blade glowed crimson and underwent a great change. First, it lengthened until it was almost four feet long. Second, it went from silver to the color of a blade tainted with enemy blood. And finally, it gained a nasty, serrated-looking edge. The Sword of Chaos had shown its true form at last.

Another thing happened, but to Chaos actually. It was that his hair was slowly starting to lose its whiteness and was slowly returning to the pitch-black that it used to be.

"It's good to be back." He said, either to himself or to his blade.

"Good, bad, I'm the one with multiple weapons!" Steel said, taking out his Luger pistol and opening fire with it.

Chaos responded simply, deflecting each 9mm bullet with his blade and his terrifyingly-fast reflexes. After the Luger clicked empty, Steel took out his Benelli shotgun and fired as fast as he could. THIS didn't meet with Chaos' sword, but rather his palm, which seemed to emit a crimson energy field.

After the guns seemed to fail Tohokari-Steel, he unsheathed his reverse blade and charged with a war cry. Chaos smiled and met his challenge with a roar of his own, his sword glowing for some reason. Both swung their swords with all their strength and what happened next seemed to happen in slow motion. In fact, imagine the next paragraph that way.

Chaos' blade actually cleaved Steel's reverse blade clean in two. As Tohokari-Steel's blade fell to the ground, he looked at the stump of his sword and shouted, "NO! That cost me forty dollars!"

Shortly after Steel made that exclamation, Chaos proceeded to backhand him so strong that Steel flew back and landed right behind the group.

Strait and E350 stepped forward, their machine guns at the read.

"I'm Captain Latin America." Strait said, earning a facepalm from each member around him, then said, "Oh, scrap this! I'm a WWII veteran and you're goin' DOWN!"

With that, both Strait and E350 unleashed a barrage of bullets at Chaos only to see his sword become a flurry of crimson. Both stopped firing and it was soon revealed that not ONE had touched Chaos.

"I'm dry." E350 said with fright.

"And I've jammed." Strait said with equal fright.

Chaos moved and moved fast, aiming a diagonal slash at Strait, who raised his shield in time for it to bounce off its surface. Chuckling at the advantage he had, it was short lived when Chaos simply lowered the shield with his hand alone and belted him over the head with the pommel of his sword.

As Strait crumpled to the ground, E350 said, "Right, then. I'll have you for that one!" He then took up a rather wimpy boxing stance, ready for whatever would come his way.

"With what?" Chaos asked, cocking an eyebrow.

E350 looked at his empty Thompson, which lay on the ground, then thought how well his fighting skills were. "Point made." He said, then ran for cover.

Kitten was next up, spinning her broom like a kung fu staff, then swung it at him. Chaos, though, moved so fast that one probably wouldn't tell that he moved and the push broom's handle split right down the center.

"Oh man…" Kitten said, fear in her eyes, "Mom's going to kill me for this."

Kitten quickly made way for Xemnas1992, who unleashed a torrent of green fire at Chaos. Chaos simply raised his hand and pushed against the flame, Xem pushing harder to keep himself balanced.

Feeling playful, Chaos turned away from the fire and released his push on it. Xem immediately staggered forward due to lack of a counterbalance…right into an uppercut from Chaos. The punch was so strong that Xem flew up into the sky and disappeared from view.

"Okay, THAT'S enough, man!" Lunatic said, clutching the side of his face, "You're going…"

WHAM!

With a flick of Chaos' wrist, Lunatic's fist flew downward and hit him in the place where the sun didn't shine. Eyes wide, he crumpled to the ground again.

Cooly stepped forward, pulled out his now-loaded revolver and emptied all six shots at Chaos…

He only proceeded to hit the ground or something that was behind him. This wasn't because Chaos was dodging, it was because Cooly was a pretty lousy shot.

"Wuh-oh." Cooly said, mere moments before meeting a burst of energy from Chaos' outstretched hand. The blast resulted in his fur getting ruffled and charred, his gun's barrel to be blown up, and his sunglasses were drooping down his face. "Nice shot…" he said, weakly.

Bindi stepped forward, unfurling her whip, then said, "Don't worry, I'll whip that sword right out of his hands."

Bindi pulled back her whip and lashed out at Chaos only to see it wrap around his outstretched hand and for him to grip onto it TIGHT.

"Wait a sec!" Bindi said, knowing what was to come, then raced off and came back pulling a recliner behind her. In that recliner was Jerry the Shinigami, still reading his magazine and being completely oblivious as to what was going on around him.

"Jerry, can you hold this for me." Bindi said, putting the handle of her whip into Jerry's hand.

"Huh?" Jerry asked, a split-second before being yanked out of his chair.

Screaming the whole time, Jerry flew towards Chaos, who proceeded to punch him and reel him back in with the whip to punch him again. He then swung the whip and slammed Jerry into the ground, did it again on his opposite side, then spun him around and tossed the shinigami into a nearby tree.

After a sickening "crunch" everyone looked to see Jerry's head embedded in the tree while his body hung limply outside it.

"Oh man, I don't know what reality YOU come from, but that's GOTTA hurt!" Doopliss said, feeling the pain the death god had just been through.

Wanting to prove himself, Doopliss roared, charged dark energy into his fist, and ran at top speed towards his adversary. He lunged with his fist, planning to sock Chaos into next year…but was stopped by Chaos' index finger. On contact, it was as though his fist had hit an iron wall. And when he gawked in surprise, mentioned finger curled before flicking out and striking Doopliss' fist.

The result was that he flew backward, slammed into a car, and created a sizeable dent in its hood. With a dizzy look in his face, he held up a hand and said, "Hot wings…" before falling back down again.

Ray was up next, readying his buster sword. "Come what may, I'm ready." He said in the tense, Cloud Strife-style voice.

Chaos drew his second katana to accompany his other blade, then proceeded to perform a series of complex martial arts moves. He even tossed both swords into the air at one point, caught both of them, switched hands, and crossed them over in an X-shape in front of him.

Ray's expression went flat as he said, "Nobody likes a showoff." And with that, he trudged away, dragging his massive sword behind him, the tip of the blade creating a small ravine in the ground.

"This fight will be your last." Saire said, putting up her dukes and stepping forward to face Chaos. The malevolent being smirked, then fastened his sword to his buckle and took a martial arts' pose of his own.

_Round One…_

_FIGHT!_

What followed is a bit too brutal to explain in full detail. All I will say is that every member of PI that was watching was cringing every few moments and that Saire was regularly crying out in pain or shouting "ow" or something along those lines. To accompany her cries in pain were repeated sounds of impacting fists and feet.

The fight ended rather suddenly when Saire was catapulted backward, skidded across the ground, and smashed into a tree. She fell on her back and clutched at her right calf. "Oh, my LEG!" she groaned, "I can't feel my leg!"

"RUSH HIM!" Rook ordered, pointing forward with his sword, "It may be our best hope! CHAAAARGE!"

Wildrook, Mad Abe, Shadow-DJ, Dimentio, and NobodieZ all rushed Chaos, weapons aimed to kill. Chaos wasn't worried, however, and rushed to meet them. He got in close to DJ, seized him by the throat, then slammed him into the ground so hard that he actually created an imprint in it. Next in line was NobodieZ, who he simply grabbed by his watch-bearing wrist and crushed the device in his grip before sending him to join DJ on the ground.

Chaos spun around, planting the back of his fist into Dimentio's jaw and sending him skidding. Mad Abe was up next as he drew his katana and gave a mad cackle.

"You're up against the son of the devil," Abe said in a sanity-questioning voice, "Whaddya think of THAT?"

Chaos simply removed his sunglasses, then opened his eyes to reveal the fiery orbs underneath. Almost instantly, visions of fire, brimstone, and demons of all kinds flashed before Abe's eyes. And when Chaos put the sunglasses back on, he turned around and ran away, screaming.

In the back, Angelic Soldier had been preparing to aid his fellow Insania members, particularly Wildrook. He had removed his helmet and detached his shield as he picked up his spear. He pulled back, ready to throw it, and everything turned slow motion.

_His helmet was stifling, it narrowed his vision. And he must see far. His shield was heavy. It threw him off balance. And his target is far away._

Angelic Soldier catapulted his spear at Chaos as hard as he could. The spear whistled through the air, but Chaos had seen it coming and, with a single swing of his blade, he cleaved the spear right down its center. The spear landed behind him in pieces.

Soldier stared in awe at what he had just witnessed, then looked up as though expecting the epic narrator to give him a hint as to what to do next.

_Well, that failed. You're on your own, pal._

After Angelic Soldier heard what sounded like rapid footsteps followed by a car starting and racing off, he hurriedly picked up his shield for good reason. Chaos had seen him and raced over, pulling back his fist. Angelic Soldier raised his shield and Chaos' fist collided with it.

Angelic Soldier flew backward, landing about twenty-five feet away. Getting to his feet, he looked at his shield's surface to see a fist-shaped dent in its surface.

"Dang. That was solid bronze, too." He said, rapping the surface with his knuckles.

"RUN AWAY!" Rook said in panic, "EVERYBODY RUN AWAY!" Though, truth be told, he was the only one who was in fit condition to run away.

Systema rushed forward, fast as lightning, and swung his sword only to meet Chaos' own blade. When Chaos swung his blade again, Systema leaped clean over him and swung down at his shoulder only to meet the steel of Chaos' other katana.

Systema landed with the agility of a cat, then swept the ground with his foot, actually tripping Chaos and landing him on his back. Systema followed up with a downward chop from his sword, which Chaos blocked with one of his swords while using the other to lash at his legs. Systema backed away while Chaos kipped to his feet and swung his crimson blade only to see Systema roll under it and go right between Chaos' legs. He wound up behind him, then swung his blade only to meet both swords in a shower of sparks.

Cartoonatic and Rook stood, impressed at what they were seeing. "Wow. This is easily the most epic thing I've seen today." Cartoonatic said with a nod.

Systema and Chaos locked steel and Systema actually emitted an amused scoff. "We appear evenly matched." He said through clenched teeth.

"But tell me," Chaos humored, "Have you ever heard the phrase 'the hand is quicker than the eye'?"

"You will not trick me that easily. No hand can escape my eye." Systema growled back.

Chaos simply raised his boot-clad foot and smashed it down, HARD, on Systema's own. Systema grunted in surprise before Chaos pulled back his right hand and smashed the pommel of his sword against the ex-Spetsnaz's jaw, sending him veering to the ground.

Strait sat up from his crumpled position then chuckled. "Heh. I'd die happy knowin' you fell fo' that."

"Shut up." Systema said, weakly.

Dezblade stormed forward, then threw his fist at Chaos only to see him sidestep it. He followed up with another only to see the same thing happen again. He thrust his foot forward only for Chaos to pop the tips of his swords into the ground and catch his foot. Dez responded quickly by actually back-flipping out of his grasp, then rushing him and grabbing him by the collar.

"Do you know who you're dealing with?" Dez asked in a very Batman-esque growl, "I'm the gosh-darned," Chaos' response was simply to punch Dez in the face, break his grip, and then kick him full in the gut, downing him. "Batman…" he finished in a weak voice.

Cartoonatic weighed her options, then measured up her own abilities and compared them to Chaos' own. "I'm not even gonna try." She then proceeded to back away SLOWLY.

"Well, well, well," Chaos said with an evil grin as he looked at Lunatic, who was now staggering back to his feet, "You're all that's left. I have bested each of your team one-by-one and, once I have regained my full power, my kingdom awaits me."

"Do your worst, you jacket-obsessive emo!" Lunatic dared.

"With PLEASURE!" Chaos said, then pulled back one of his swords.

"Hey, guys!"

Chaos paused, then turned to see just who could possibly have come at this time. It was none other than Stephenie Meyer.

"Meyer," Lunatic said in as audible a warning whisper that he could, "Not NOW!"

"Oh, I know your game now, Loon." Meyer said, waltzing over to Chaos' side, "You all think I'm trash because I write my novels, right? What good am I, huh? Well, it's time that I prove it!"

"Meyer, REALLY, now's not the time." Lunatic said, using that same warning whisper.

"Oh, is THIS the big, bad guy who wants to kill us all?" Meyer said, gesturing to the cold-staring Chaos.

That question was met with nods from everyone who wasn't knocked on their pants or incapacitated.

"Well, I have one thing to say to this guy." Meyer said, then pointed at him and said, "You are SCUM! Gonna say that again, YOU ARE SCUM!"

Everyone was motioning in a way that seemed to say "don't do this if you value your life"

"And I don't care if you're some Final Fantasy villain wannabe. You are a complete and total…"

Before Meyer could finish, Kitten said, "Meyer, PLEASE! He's for REAL!"

"Oh, you don't know how it feels! You don't know how it feels to try and make masterpieces while everyone else treats you like trash! I'm SICK of getting all this garbage from Stephen King, the Rifftrax crew, Tohokari-Steel, and every movie/book critic in existence!" Meyer pointed at Chaos. "THIS guy cannot hurt me as much as YOU have!"

"Dude, he's really going to freakin' KILL YOU!" Cooly said, his fur still singed.

"Really?" Meyer asked, earning a slow nod from Chaos, "Well, then I guess I'll contribute SOMETHING to this whole FREAKIN' thing! I was originally going to use this on Insane Critic…" Meyer said, reaching into her jacket and pulling out what appeared to be a bright blue ceramic plate. "But I think I'll make an exception for you!"

Meyer pulled back the plate and brought it down as hard as she could on Chaos' head. Chaos had put up a field so that the plate would shatter on impact, but much to his surprise, the disc-shaped object went right through the field and struck him full on the forehead, grounding him and leaving him clutching his head in pain.

Meyer, and everyone around her, stared in complete shock of what happened, but then things got even stranger. The "plate" glowed a bright blue, light engulfing the entire area. When it cleared, Meyer had a wide, circular shield strapped to her right arm. A memory suddenly came back to Cartoonatic: an important one that the Herald of Order told them.

_And second was that, should he find it, there would be one thing in the world that could beat him: the Shield of Harmony._

"She has Harmony's Shield!" Cartoonatic said, everything coming back to her, "She has the one thing that can beat Chaos!"

Lunatic's spirits lifted as he called, "MEYER! KEEP DOING THAT!"

Meyer looked at the shield she now bore, then ducked behind it as Chaos swung his sword, creating a wave of red energy. The energy failed to penetrate the golden shield and Meyer quickly responded by ramming it into Chaos and knocking him full on his pants.

Chaos roared in fury as he pointed his sword at her and a spear of lightning rammed into the shield, knocking her on her back as a form of revenge.

Chaos' teeth clenched in rage as he made his way towards her, but then he heard something: a kind of screaming that was getting louder and louder by the second, as though something approached him.

WHAM!

Something landed on top of him, grounding him in an instant and digging up the hillside. It was Xem, who rolled off Chaos and staggered to his feet, clutching his head as he made his way to the rest of the group.

Meyer sighed in relief at this welcome near-miss. A second later and she would have been slaughtered.

"How far up did that guy hit you?" Bindi asked.

"Not sure." Xem said, still in a daze, "I saw a ringed planet, so it's either Saturn or Geonosis."

Meyer quickly got back to her feet, then held up the golden shield just as Chaos got back to his own feet, snarling like an enraged beast. At first, Meyer wasn't sure what to do against the guy's magic, but then something seemed to silently whisper something to her.

"ORDER!" she screamed, following the whisper's instructions.

The shield glowed like sunlight and a ray of light blasted from the shield, hitting Chaos in the chest and sending him staggering backward. Chaos retorted with the same spear of lightning he created earlier, which collided with the shield, causing Meyer to stagger back.

"ORDER!" Meyer shouted again and, this time, the beam of light was met with the spear of lightning.

Both light and lightning pushed against each other like two bulls in a rut. And for a while, both remained that way, Chaos bathed in red light while Meyer bathed in golden light.

Lunatic looked to the other members of Insania and they all, instinctively, knew what had to be done. They began to chant the shield's magic word, almost as though someone had told them to do it in their heads.

"ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! ORDER!" they chanted.

In order to combat Meyer constantly beating back his energy, Chaos continually put more power into it. But no matter how hard he tried, Meyer always seemed able to back it up. And then, it finally happened.

He just couldn't handle it anymore.

In an explosion of energy, a blinding flash illuminated the entire area, leaving every member of Planet Insania shielding their eyes and waiting for it to clear.

It seemed to last both forever and just a few seconds, but the light slowly cleared until it seemed that nothing happened.

Everyone looked around, searching for any sign of victory, and they found it. Chaos' other sword, the one he had taken with him this whole time, lay on the ground, broken clean in two.

Lunatic beamed a great smile as he shouted, "VICTORY!"

Cheers broke out among the Insania ranks as high-fives, hugs, and victory cries erupted from the group. As they looked around for Meyer to congratulate her, the cheers slowly seemed to die down.

There, on the ground, lay the motionless form of Meyer, arms and legs spread out in a starfish pattern.

"Meyer!" Lunatic said, fear overcoming him as he ran to her side.

By now, everyone in Insania had managed to get back on their feet and their jaws fell open at the sight of their downed victor.

"Meyer!" Lunatic said, kneeling beside her, "MEYER!"

"Did we…" Meyer said, eyes barely open, "Did we win?"

"We did, Meyer." Lunatic said, his voice solemn and quiet.

"Good." Meyer said with a smile, "Then my duty's done."

"No, Meyer, you saved us all! You have to stay with us so you can celebrate the one thing you've done right!" Lunatic said, shaking his head violently.

"Do not grieve me, Lunatic." Meyer said, her voice weak, "It does me good to know I've done something right now…"

"After you've done so much wrong." Lunatic finished.

"Shut up. I'm talking."

"Sorry."

"Now that Chaos is dead, his sword shattered, the cycle is complete." Meyer said, barely summoning the strength to look at the shield, which now lay in pieces, "The shield has done its job, too."

"All I ever sought was your approval, Insane Critic." Meyer said, her skin going cold, "And now…I'm glad…to have…received…it…"

Meyer gave one last smile before closing her eyes and letting her last breath escape her. After that, she moved no more.

"No…" Lunatic said, shaking his head, "No…" He tried to hold his emotions in, but finally broke down and shouted to the heavens, "NOOOOOOOO!"

_(A/N: The battle is over, as is the quest, and the story of Harmony and Chaos has come full-circle...but not without loss. It seems that some people's greatest moments are sometimes their last._

_Next time, the aftermath. Stay tuned.)_


	14. Chapter 14

The many members of Planet Insania had traversed a long and twisting road to obtain the Sword of Chaos only to embark on a quest to save the world from an evil tyrant. And after a long, epic battle, they had defeated him, but at a heavy price.

Every member of Insania that embarked on the quest now stood in two rows of ten, quiet and solemn with their heads bowed in honor. Well…one row had a group of nine, but it was shown why as Doopliss walked down the space between the two: a Pringles can in his hands.

"We are assembled here today to pay our respects to the dead," Lunatic said from his position at the front of one row, "Whom we have cremated and placed in this can of Pringles."

Doopliss reached the end of the row, then bent down and placed the can, gently, on the ground. After taking his place back among the honor guard, Lunatic continued with his speech.

"I'd like to thank Shadow-DJ for handling the cremation…though I doubt any of us want to know how or why he did it." Lunatic said, looking down at the can.

DJ looked down at his hand, which was engulfed in a strange fire, then extinguished it and said, "Yeah, you're better off not knowing."

"It should be known that Meyer is hiding behind that mustachioed Pringles mascot." Lunatic continued, "But she died being the best dang person she could be: doing the right thing just once in her life…just like the pizza flavor Pringles."

"Dude, this is SO lame." Cooly whispered from the corner of his mouth.

"Agreed." Dez whispered back, "It should've been an Airheads box."

"Yeah…he'd probably like that, too." Cooly said in reference to Lunatic.

"Some say that Meyer was worthless, and in many ways she IS, and some even say that it wasn't Meyer at all, but someone just putting on a wig and mocking the living fire out of her." Lunatic said, then held up a finger, "BUT…she didn't die in vain: she sacrificed herself to bring down this great evil. And I'm sure that, in this life or her next, Harmony must be smiling down upon her for finishing the task she couldn't complete."

"I will not say 'do not cry'." Xem said, solemnly, "But I WILL say 'weep to your heart's content'."

"Out of all the souls I have met on this journey, hers was the most…" Lunatic struggled to find a good word for this situation, "The most…positive."

"Ten-HUT!" Strait ordered, causing everyone to straighten up.

"Present ARMS!" Systema added and, within seconds, everyone was presenting something.

Team A: Lunatic's chakrams, Steel's reverse-blade, Bindi's whip, Cooly's revolver, Wildrook's broadsword, Systema's katana, Angelic Soldier's Sparta sword, Kitten's push broom head, Dezblade's batarang, Doopliss's dark-magic fist, Systema's ninjato, and Sovereign64's katana.

Team B: Xem's green fire, Sarge Ray's buster sword, NobodieZ's broken omnitrix, DJ's scythe, Strait's shield, Cartoonatic's saber, Dimentio's coffee mug, Mad Abe's katana, and Saire's ice-cold fist.

There was a reason why E350 didn't present an arm, though. It was because he had reached into his coat and pulled out a set of bagpipes. How he kept one in there without it showing was anyone's guess. Anyway, he took the mouthpiece in between his lips and began to play "Amazing Grace" on the pipes.

Lunatic took the can of Pringles that held Meyer's cremated remains, touched the top of it to his forehead, then handed it to Angelic Soldier. Both exchanged a look that said "do it" and Angelic Soldier faced forward before taking a quick sprint forward before throwing the can like a javelin.

Everyone watched as the can flew forward like a rocket, up into the sky until it was no longer visible, almost as though it had departed the world and on to a higher plane of existence.

_(Lunatic Narrating now)_

_We did find the remains of the Sword of Chaos and the Shield of Harmony, but we knew that fixing them would be a lost cause. Even though their physical forms could be restored, the magic they once held was gone forever._

_As time went on, everyone returned to their normal lives…_

Back in the Bunker Underground, Sarge Ray mounted the buster sword on the wall and began telling the tale of how he got it to his fellow underground captives.

_Reviewing fanfics, reviewing movies, reviewing anything that deserved it…_

Wildrook sat on a couch with Wandrex, looking over a movie that was probably dumb in every sense of the word, yet people still enjoyed.

_But I couldn't help but feel that Meyer's death lingered on in their souls, coming up when they least suspected._

Xem held up a copy of "Home on the Range" when, right out of the blue, he dropped it and wept into his hands. "MEYER!" he cried.

_Of course, for me, it hit me pretty hard, too._

Lunatic opened the door of his apartment, ran his fingers through his spiky, red locks, then spotted something on the coffee table: a Starbucks coffee cup with the label "from Meyer".

_It still does to this moment._

A few minutes later, Lunatic stood in front of a window, dressed in his usual Insane Critic getup including the black jacket and his Konoha headband. He gazed out the window, as though searching for something, his eyes filled to the brim with sorrow.

_I have never faced death before…not like this. I've cheated it God-knows-how-many times, but now I couldn't help but feel my own sense of mortality,_

Lunatic lay on his bed, his jacket and headband absent, and just gazed at the ceiling with an empty expression.

_And the mortality of all those closest to me._

"Loon…"

Lunatic screamed in surprise because Tohokari-Steel was standing just past the doorstep. What was even more amazing was that he had done it without Lunatic noticing he had come in.

"WHADDYA WANT?" Lunatic said, still in fright.

"I want to do SOMETHING epic!" Steel answered, "I didn't even get a story arc for crying out loud!"

Lunatic sighed in defeat, then said, "Fine. Have a musical number."

"Huh. Okay." Steel said, then cleared his throat.

(Sing to the tune of "Amazing Grace")

_Meyer, Meyer  
>What good you did<br>To save a geek, splendid_

_I thought you were  
>Worthless, but no<br>The day was saved  
>By you<em>

Steel finished singing while Lunatic looked like he was trying to ignore it. "Now that wasn't so bad, was it?" Steel asked, and upon getting no answer, he followed up with, "My work here is done."

And without another word, Steel exited the building. He was almost at the doorway when Lunatic asked, "Steel?"

"Yeah?" Steel said, turning around to face Lunatic.

"Do you think this is the last we've seen of Meyer?" Lunatic asked.

"Well, she's DEAD and DJ said he's never letting her back into the world of the living again." Steel answered.

"But isn't there any hope?" Lunatic asked, trying his best to find some kind of comfort.

"There is NEVER much hope. Only a fool's hope." Steel answered, "Oh, and the Book of the Dead."

Lunatic froze at the line, then raised his head (and a brow) and asked, "What?"

"Oh, you know, the lost Ancient Egyptian tome that's said to bring souls back from the underworld?" Steel asked.

A thought suddenly crossed Lunatic's mind as he put a finger to his chin and asked, "Book of the Dead, huh?"

Steel's eyes widened and he facepalmed himself for his own stupidity. "Oh, me and my big mouth…" he groaned, then quickly defended, "Look, we're all adventured out and done with it. WHO are going to get to come with you on ANOTHER hair-brained quest for something that may or may not exist?"

(Meanwhile…)

A young man with a blue coat and a fedora (by the name of BladeLordQwest) opened up a letter that he had just gotten in the mail. He pulled out the content, a piece of paper, unfolded that paper, and read what was inside. Instantly, his eyes shot open in glee.

"Oh BOY!" he said, excitedly, "A FREE CAR!"

BANG!

Qwest fell to the ground, clutching his arm in pain, and dropped the letter. Someone had just shot him (9mm, he guessed).

As he lay there, bleeding and in agony, a black-and-red-clad figure walked up to the letter, picked it up with a "yoink", and chuckled to himself. It was none other than the merc with a mouth, Deadpool.

"The car is MINE, sucker!" Deadpool taunted, then darted away to obtain his prize.

**_THE END?_**

Cast of Characters…

Lunatic the 121st/Roxas/Axel: James Arnold Taylor  
>Tohokari-SteelKenshin Himura: Quinton Flynn  
>Sarge RayCloud Strife: Steve Blum  
>WildrookKing Arthur: Frank Frankson  
>WandrexPatsy: Steve Blum  
>Bindi the SkunkCatwoman: Janice Kawaye  
>SaireNaorivaSub-Zero: Jamie Marchi/Dan Woren  
>Kitten Hachi-ChanChibitalia: Michelle Ruff  
>Shadow-DJSpawn: Jason Liebrecht  
>DezbladeBatman: Nolan North  
>Xemnas1992Richard the Undead Warlock: Brendan Fraser  
>DimentioProsecutor Godot: Roger Craig Smith  
>Mad AbeRin Okumura: Eric Vale  
>Cartoonatic55Capt. Amelia: Danielle Judovits  
>E350Lt. George: Greg Ellis  
>NobodieZBen Tennyson: Jay Baruchel  
>DooplissGanondorf: Jerry Jewell  
>The Angelic SoldierKing Leonidas: Cam Clarke

Lt. Irwin Beau Strait/Captain America: Chris Edgerly  
>Sgt. Maxim Karne SystemaGray Fox: Rick D. Wasserman  
>Cooly McAwesomeVash the Stampede: Wayne Grayson  
>Steve the Hollow: Frank Welker<br>Jerry the Shinigami: Brian Drummond**  
><strong>Stephenie Meyer: Kate Higgins**  
><strong>KitsuneAlchemist: Tara Platt  
>Ask TLSoulDude: Eric Vale<br>Sakkee: Hayden Panettiere  
>Sovereign64: Troy Baker<br>Gokiburi Prince: Mike Sinterniklaas  
>BladeLordQwest: Dave Wittenberg<br>Deadpool: John Kassir

Kent Brockman: Harry Shearer  
>Snake: Hank Azaria<br>Smiling Guide: Cherami Leigh  
>Guardian of the Crossroad: Fred Tatasciore<br>Guardian Mother-in-Law: Sam Riegel  
>Swordsworn: Mike Sinterniklaas, Grey DeLisle, and Liam O'Brien<br>Jeff Albertson/Comic Book Guy: Hank Azaria  
>Herald of the Ancients: Vic Mignogna<br>Chaos: Johnny Yong Bosch

(Meanwhile…)

The Guardian of the Crossroad was still in the process of getting chewed out by his mother-in-law. He lost track of how many topics had been brought up: first date, grandkids, wedding night, grandkids, having a good-paying job, grandkids, and grandkids.

"I hate my life…" the guardian growled to himself.

_(A/N: Well, guys, that's it for the story. Up next could be a trivia chapter. If you have any interesting story behind your costume choice, feel free to either PM me or contact me on deviantart._

_It's been a fun time writing this story, I can tell you that much.)_


End file.
